The Why's and Wherefore's

If you've read my blog this week, you might have thought to yourself something along the lines of, "I like his perspective on these various topics. He seems like a nice guy." You might have even thought (though I doubt it), "This man gets more attractive with every word he writes." You might have thought, "I wonder what this fellow's motives are for writing these entries." Well, I'm going to tell you.

As Dating Week comes to a close, I'm going to talk about myself. In case you haven't noticed, I have focused and strong opinions on the subject of dating. I must go on all sorts of dates. No, not really. It's been about a month since my last date, over a year and a half since I dated someone consistently, and really about four years  since I would consider myself to have been in a fulfilling relationship. Granted, two years of that time was spent in missionary service, and if I were not single during that time, questions would have to be raised.

Now we have to ask ourselves, where do these thoughts all come from? Well, let me tell you, the people that date the least think about dating the most. I have analyzed every rejection, every time a girl has said no to a first date (which for a while was an impressively high streak), every maybe-could-have-been, and every time I have failed to take action. I have presented in this past week what I wish would happen in hopes of maybe showing my side.

Everyone needs victories. Even little tiny ones. Once you have experienced rejection after rejection, you really start losing hope and sinking into apathy about the whole concept of dating. You start taking on the mentality of "I'm too busy for a relationship," or "Now's not a good time," or "Maybe when I'm a little older," or "If it's meant to happen, it will happen." I can say from a great deal of experience that those mentalities get nothing done. If we want something, we have to take it. We don't do arranged marriages anymore. No one just hands you a degree or a job or a happy life. Everything takes effort.

The problem with apathy is that people around you can feel it. If you just don't care, how can you expect people around you to care? If you don't want a relationship, how do can you expect someone to make an effort to have a relationship with you? If you become bitter, how can anyone find that attractive? Oh, you've been hurt and don't want it to happen again? Well, it will happen, over and over again, and the only way to make it better is to keep moving forward. Dating is a dangerous thing. When you ask a girl out, or try to advance a relationship, or anything involving women it's like standing there with your chest exposed, handing the girl a knife, and saying, "Your move." Terrifying. That is why I am terrified and intimidated by women. It's because they really get to hold all the cards, and yet I'm supposed to know which card to play from their hand. If that doesn't make any sense to you, well, we're in the same boat.

Women, say yes. Or at the very least give a valid and honest reason for saying no (And, "I'm busy" is a borderline sort of reason). Men, ask. There is nothing in life worth getting that is not protected by a circle of fire. The more obstacles, the greater the value. If you give up, you miss out, and that goes for both genders.

Do I need to make a greater effort? Do we all (male and female) need to make a greater effort? Would we benefit from greater effort? Yes. It's a fragile thing we build, but it's worth building. I think we've all caught glimpses. And sometimes a glimpse is all you need to pull you from the mire of apathy and set your feet on the solid ground of forward progress. Don't give up until the battle is won, and even then, don't give up. If you find yourself slipping into negative or unproductive mindsets, find a way to shake yourself free from them. They'll only do you harm.

Signing off (on Dating Week),
Matt Fife

Eutopia is Utopia: We Should Still Try, Though.

Note: I thought about editing out a lot of the things that express my feelings, but I didn't. Hopefully you can feel the strength of those feelings. Also, at times it might sound a little preachy. Deal with it. Or don't.

Throughout today and last night I had the opportunity to interview a handful of women regarding topics about dating. Topics ranged from what they find attractive, to date etiquette, to how they show they are interested. Some of the interviews were terrifying. All of them were really quite productive (even the terrifying ones were productive). I originally did this so that I could compile a list of just general things from a female perspective that could be useful for guys to know.

Unfortunately (for the sake of the master list), there is a great deal of individuality and variety among women and how they think. Fortunately (for the sake of men and dating), there is a great deal of individuality and variety among women and how they think. Granted, there are things that seem to be common traits. Women want men who are confident (not cocky) and kind, who treat them well (like ladies), who are willing to take care of them as well as stand beside them. They want guys that will listen (which would be sort of key in figuring out what other things they like that are more individual in nature). They want guys to take initiative. They all have insecurities when it comes to dating (don't we, too?). They have questions regarding guys as well (if anyone does have questions they want answered, my ear is hear [yeah, that was intentional] and my brain will eventually catch up to the questions being asked).

I sadly must report that there is not master list. There is no magical formula that can be used by either gender to end up with their prince or princess. Don't misunderstand. I firmly believe that you can and should find your prince or princess. Women are only mysterious, or complicated, or confusing, or mind-boggling when taken as a whole. Just like I'm sure taken all the myriad opinions and cornucopia of thoughts from men as a united whole can be mysterious and confusing as well.

Maybe the following topic does not explicitly belong in Dating Week, but I'm getting close to the end and I can say whatever I want. Watermelon. Point proven.

Over the past several weeks (and for a long time, if truth be told), I have been giving some very serious thought to people. On the whole they are relatively acceptable. I don't like large groups of them. Sometimes I'd rather avoid small groups of them as well. Sometimes I'd even rather avoid individual ones of them as well. But that is not the point. 

When talking about dating, it's easy to get into the mentality of "Men and Women," and we, without even thinking, draw the battle line and pick our sides. But why do we do that? What is to be gained from being on opposite sides? I've heard it called the battle of the sexes, but shouldn't we be working together towards something greater? Isn't that sort of what dating is all about in the long run?

Male and female, we are all people. We are all individuals. We are all human beings. Maybe it's time we stop pointing fingers, stop thinking in negative terms, stop name-calling. I know that the world that I look forward to is just a dream and a fantasy. A world where we all talk honestly. A world where we all serve and love and strengthen those around us. Maybe someday, but not today. I'm probably not ready for it. I can guarantee I'll still end up on a date or two with a girl that just won't speak her mind, that won't be open with me. It would be really easy to get cynical about the dating world. It's definitely a lot easier to blame everyone else. But how does that help us?

A wise man, I believe his name started with a J, once talked about how we should do unto others as we would have them do unto us. It might be called the Golden Rule in certain circles. I fail to see why we don't apply it in every aspect of our lives. I know I need to do a better job at it.

If we want honesty, let's be honest. If we want clarity, let's be clear about what we mean. If we want someone to be right for us, let's be right ourselves. If you want to be treated as a lady, act like a lady. If you want a man to be a gentleman, let him know that that is the caliber of personality that you demand of yourself. Honor, chivalry, selflessness, and respect should be words and actions used in our every day lives. Ladies, if you want to be put on a pedestal, give him a reason to put you there. If you wanted to be treated like a princess, be regal. The same concepts apply to men as well. Believe me, I expect even more from the menfolk. I expect even more from myself.

You may not run across perfection every day, in fact, you probably won't ever just run across it. But just because someone is imperfect doesn't mean you can treat them imperfectly. Treat everyone according to their potential. Learn to see with more than just your eyes.

If you want change in dating, effect that change. Quit complaining, start doing. Don't let frustration twist and canker your soul. If you talk and think negatively about people, it not only affects your perception of them, but it will begin to effect their perception of themselves (this applies, in a dating sense, to men's perception of women, women's perceptions of men, and so on and so forth).

Ladies, to me you are all royal daughters of God. Men, to me you are all royal sons of God. Please don't let me down. Don't let yourselves down.

Sincerely,

Matt Fife

Women and Men: Understanding Shouldn't Be This Hard

There are few things I find quite as interesting as reading one sex's views on the opposite sex. The most fascinating events involve forays into the psychology of the opposite sex. One of those is an entry posted by a friend in honor of my dating week. I'm glad I'm beginning to see some effects of my focus on dating for the week.

What I find most entertaining is that both men and women assume that women and men (respectively) think and act in entirely novel and different ways. There seems to be some mystery that we can never unlock.

I had the opportunity today of talking with a group of lovely young ladies. I say young only because they are all younger than I am. I say lovely because, well, it's the truth. It was an enlightening conversation. Having this topic in mind I geared some of my questions to get a better idea of the way they thought of things, of interactions with men, etc.

Would you like to know my startling conclusions? Of course you do, or you wouldn't be reading this. There are two conclusions. A) I am an atypical human being. B) Women want and think about and do the same things that men do. We're really not that different.

Yes, they all said that while on dates they are analyzing and evaluating the guy, but are we gentlemen any different. The whole time we are on the date we are trying to figure out if we want a second or third date with the girl. We're consciously or subconsciously gauging how compatible we feel we are, how interesting we find them, how easy it is to talk with them, how similar or dissimilar our backgrounds are, if we want similar things out of life (if you start going into those sorts of questions and topics of conversation).

They want gentlemen. We want ladies. They want to have fun and get to know us, just like we want to have fun and get to know them. No one seeks or accepts a date without wanting to have fun. I asked what they think when a guy asks them out on a date. The response from each one of them? That he wants to get to know me better. Not once did they say, "I think he likes me and is romantically interested in me and would like to father my children." I'm not saying there aren't people like that out there, I'm just saying that we don't need to worry how our asking will be interpreted. In regularish folks, they aren't interpreting. They want to get to know you as much as you want to get to know them.

Now ladies, if you are one of those that automatically starts reading things into a first date, stop. Stop now. Stop five minutes ago. Act like you never did it. Maybe it's because we talk about it so much at BYU, and maybe it's because it's such a present aspect of our culture here, but we take dating far too seriously. Dating should be fun. We should bring back the concept of courtship (defined as the active pursuit of a potential mate with the end-goal being marriage) so that the word dating can relax from doing double duty. Dating is fun. Dating is simple. Dating does not have to imply anything.

Ladies, please help us gentlemen by allowing dating to be low-key. Dating is more than just one letter away from Mating, and it should remain that way. Gentlemen, ask the ladies out. You have Saturday. If you are still terrified of the concept of asking a girl out on a date, get your roommates or buddies or bros together and get a group of ladies to come hang out with you (Hanging out is, in fact, an acceptable precursor to dating). As an LDS culture, we have a tendency to take ourselves too seriously. The same applies to a lot of the things we do.

Relax. Take a deep breath. Act. Gentlemen, you cannot lose. If a girl says no, she just saved you time and money. If a girl says yes, you just got a date with a girl that is willing to get to know you better. Let her get to know the best you. Ladies, if a guy asks you out, gamble and say yes. For all you know it could be really fun.

This is not the end of Dating Week, and these are not my final words. But they are the words that I would hope people take away from the week. Just do it, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And I might even think about listening to my own advice.

With the greatest hopes for your future,
Matt Fife

Crossed Signals

I just found this image very hilarious. Probably created by a datingly-frustrated male. You see, that's the thing. Both sides are frustrated (unless you are a dating magician, in which case you would not be frustrated at all). And do you want to know why? It's because the signals that you think you are sending (male or female) are not being received by the opposite gender.

Not entirely long ago a magnificent female friend came over to our apartment, and we all proceeded to discuss the very subject. Questions like, "How do you know if it's cool with a girl to hold her hand?" or "When is it cool to kiss a girl?" came up in the conversation. What followed blew my mind. From the answers, it seemed like normal, every-day body language took on an entirely new meaning in the dating world. Signals, if you will. And it also seemed like it took vast amounts of energy to analyze each of the signals correctly.

Let's take eye contact for a example. Apparently, if a girl maintains eye contact with you longer than normal, it may or may not mean that she might or might not want you to maybe possibly lean it for a possible kiss. And yes, I am repeating what I heard, not necessarily what was said. How is anybody supposed to wade through a signal like that. From time to time, I maintain eye contact when I'm talking to someone. Sometimes a girl just can't find her keys immediately in her purse. How am I supposed to know what normal duration of eye contact is?

Here we hit the quandary. At times in communication we don't give each other enough credit. However, in the instance of "signals" I think we might be giving each other too much credit. It feels like we are asking each other to translate ancient Gaelic, and while I do know a bit of Welsh, they are not the same.

I will admit, sometimes it just flows naturally. Sometimes you just know what's going to happen before it does, and life is magical. However, if you are like me and are completely terrified of women, those events are few and far between.

This brings me to my actual point. And it's even somewhat related to signals. Feedback. And I don't mean baking for a man, though I would not be opposed if people wanted to do so for me.

How many of you have gone on a date, it seemed to go well, but then the guy does not continue asking you out? I'm not saying it's your fault, it's probably on him. In fact, if it is I you are thinking about, I guarantee it's my fault. However, that should not stop you from making it clear that you would like to go out on more dates with him. Clarity in signals. A novel idea.

Imagine this exchange:
Girl - "Thanks, that was fun, we should do it again sometime."
Guy - "Oh yeah, we should." (Pause)
Girl - "Well, have a good night."
Guy - "You, too, goodnight."

Now completely ignoring tone, because reading tone is one of those signals that I dislike dealing with, let's just look at the words, because I love words, in case that is not obvious at this point. My main issue with this is the "sometime." I've said it before, I admit. But I hate it. It's so indefinite. Maybe you think that's an amazing way to end a date. I disagree.

I served an LDS mission, and when I hear things like "You should come back sometime," "When?", "Oh, sometime," I begin doubting the sincerity of the words being said. It could be a personal flaw, but when you have dealt with a similar amount of rejection it's very hard to take indefinites seriously.

Imagine the following exchange with a timid fellow:
Guy - "I hope you enjoyed yourself this evening."
Girl - "Yeah, I had a lot of fun, thank you."
Guy - "Maybe we can do it again."
Girl - "Definitely. This next week is kind of busy for me, but I can do lunch most days."
Guy - "Oh, well, how about getting lunch on Thursday, does that work for you?"
Girl - "That should be fine, but I'll have to check. Give me a call tomorrow and we can figure it all out."
Guy - "Sounds great. I'll definitely give you a call tomorrow. Have a goodnight."
Girl - "Goodnight."

You don't even need tone to know that this girl is interested in continuing to go on dates with this guy. Note that at the beginning, the dude is terrified. Shaking in his boots. Completely unsure how to proceed. Let's just call this guy Mark. By letting Mark know her availability, she is also letting him know that she would probably say yes if he asked her out during an available time. Everyone is happy, and they both get a second date. Did Mark have to worry about reading obscure signals correctly? No, because it was clear.

But wait, can this sort of method also apply to being asked out for the first date? Yes. We'll keep using Mark as an example. If Mark calls up a girl and asks her out, it's probably because it took him about 30 minutes to pump himself up enough to actually dial the number, and then another 10 minutes to press call, even if the girl had shown some interest in him previously. Unfortunately, the girl responds to his invite with a short, "I'm sorry, I'm busy." To Mark, that is just a four word way of saying two letters (No). What if the girl had responded, "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't on Saturday evening. I already have plans. But I don't have anything going on next weekend"? Again, it is clear that she would say yes if she were available, and she gives him a way to proceed if he so chooses. Brilliant!

I'm not entirely opposed to body language and appropriate signalling. I went on a 40 minute date once because everything screamed "She doesn't want to be here with you." In that case a simple "No" from the outset would have sufficed. Signalling and body language does have its place. Its place, however, is not at critical moments or in obscure ways. I've talked about honesty and communication, but without clarity, none of that matters. If you want a guy to keep asking you out (or, as I have said, ask you out in the first place), you have to let him know that you would welcome it, and that there would be a high probability of a yes. Do it for Mark. It will give him less headaches and less stress. And more happiness in dating (which generally yields more dating).

I give you gold (from my own perspective), spend it how you wish. Give whatever feedback you like, but I challenge you to try my way once and see what happens.

Sincerely,
Matt Fife

Attraction: If You Can't Define It, Don't Expect Me To

Have you ever had this experience? There you are, sitting in a class, possibly talking about dating and marriage (I don't know any other topics that would yield the following), and you hear the advice to make a list of the qualities that you want in your future spouse. I don't know, I have, and from what I hear it's sort of a common thing. The trick with these lists is that you have to make them both exclusive and inclusive at the same time. Let me explain.

If an LDS woman puts down that she wants her future spouse to have a testimony, be temple worth, and honor his priesthood, I would consider those to be good exclusive properties. They are also things that you would probably talk about with someone in the course of a relationship. If you want your spouse to want children, that will also come up as you get to know each other and spend time together. Briefly, a good exclusive item does not necessarily limit the field from which you search for your man or woman (it can though, obviously, if you choose to only date LDS people).

If you put down things like "He must be taller than me," or "He has to have a good sense of humor (which is a silly thing to put down anyways)," or "I want him to have dark hair," or "He has to be handsome (attractive is a better term here, and I'll explain later)," then you are excluding people before getting to know them. The humor one is just silly because your "good" sense of humor might be bitter, bitter sarcasm, while another person might enjoy substantial wit. When you limit yourself from possible positive dating experiences because he does not appear to be what you want, you are probably missing out on some phenomenal people. Don't get me wrong, if you write those things down, you'll probably find them. I strongly believe that you find what you look for. However, what you think you are looking for and what will be the best for you sometimes are not found on the same street.

Essentially, you want to have standards for dating that would tell you when you should or should not proceed with a relationship, but not prevent you from having relationships with probably upstanding and wonderful gentlemen based on arbitrary and biased measurements of worth.

I said I'd talk about the attractive thing. Attractiveness is a grey area. I will discuss it carefully because this is where people tend to get a bit uppity. Can you date someone that you do not find attractive? Yes. Should you? I don't personally think so. People say that looks shouldn't matter, and these are generally datingly-frustrated people who believe that it is their look that is responsible for lack of dating, when really the answer almost always lies somewhere else. Like I said, you have to be approachable, but I digress.

Do not misinterpret what I am saying. I am not saying that dates should be chosen solely on physical appearance. That would be shallow. But to say that you should ask out people you are not attracted to would be nigh unto lunacy. I am also saying that we need to have a non-exclusive understanding of attractiveness. Inclusive, if you will. In most of my experience, attractiveness is more than physical beauty. In fact, it only loosely correlates at times.

Think of magnets, and think of them as if you have never taken a physics class and there is still mystery and wonder in your life. You take a metal like iron and you set it near a magnet, and the magnet will attract the metal by some mysterious force. There is something about that magnet that draws the metal to it, that brings it in. Women and men are all magnets. And there are more than just north and south poles for humans.

I cannot tell you how to be attractive, because it depends entirely on you and the aura, personality, energy, whatever, that you exude. I can't say how much make up to wear or how outgoing to be or what kind of jokes to tell, because honestly, it depends on the individual. Sticking with magnetism, I believe the saying "opposites attract" is an overly simplistic view. You need things in common. You need things different. You both need all the poles but you need them in such a way that they connect and complement.

But I can tell you that you need to be what you want to find, or attract, or what have you. If you want a confident man, be confident. If you want an educated man, get educated. If you want someone who is going to make a lot of money, rethink, because that should honestly be peripheral.

Now we come full circle to the initial commentary. Be what you want him/her to be. Live your life so that when he/she comes along, he/she will see their equal. Few things (to me) are more attractive than a woman who is my equal (or better, mostly better). Don't always focus so much on the doing, but on the being. Still do, but let it flow from the be. And remember, if a guy asks you out (or reverse, because that's something that you shouldn't shy away from), it's because there is something about you that drew him to you (or you to him). Then get to know him so that you can see if that original attractiveness diminishes or increases. Increasing attractiveness is generally a good sign that you have something good.

Always put your best foot forward, though, because you never know if that day when you choose to not be the best you will be the day that you run across the best for you. We all want the best, so we should work to let the best know the best in us when he/she sees it.

Sincerely,
Sir Matthew R. Fife

Communication: The Secret Key

Welcome back for the second entry in Dating Week. Today I will be sharing my feelings on communication, the key to all successful relationships (but I'll try to stay with a dating perspective).

Have you ever had the following experience?

You meet a young man and chat with him, and after a wee bit, you figure out that you are digging on him (in a non-grave robber way). You feel like the two of you have a connection, that things are going well. You even hang out from time to time and talk and text (even though texting is silly). You honestly believe that the undefined thing that you have has phenomenal potential. And then he starts dating someone else. You feel betrayed. You feel angry. You feel frustrated.

Let me ask you a question. Did you ever tell him how you felt? Or rather, did you ever express your feelings verbally, without pussy-footing around the issue?

You can imply, and you can infer, and you can expect him to do the same, but I can tell you that sometimes (ofttimes) the signals you are sending (or think you are sending) are not being received. And this concept works for both genders. We are talking about feelings, fragile things, and they need to be handled appropriately. If not, perceived slights and offenses and inconsiderations are sure to abound in your life.

A note about feelings: I don't like talking about them. I have done it before on occasion, but I much prefer to avoid the subject. A sure sign that I am talking about my feelings is that I will refuse to make eye-contact with you if you are female. I psychologically cannot allow ladies to look into my eyes when things of emotional importance are leaving my mouth. Not that I expect anyone reading this to need to know about how I handle feelings, but it could be a symptom in your male-friend.

While on the topic of communication, I will go where I dare not go. But I will go nonetheless.

Ladies, I need you to flirt with men. Men need you to flirt with them. If you are like my sister, you probably see cute boys all the time. And like my sister, you probably look at them, and think how cool it would be to talk to them, and then proceed to not talk to them. I think it's a common ailment to all dating-age humans. You have only so many opportunities to find good men to date, why not take each opportunity that presents itself? Is it terrifying? Totally. Can it be worth it? Yes.

Imagine the male perspective. Imagine that a man wants to ask a woman out. He thinks she seems really  nice and is attracted to her. He is terrified to ask her out because he has no idea what the response will be. Another man wants to ask a woman out. She has started conversations with him, flirts, makes herself seem even more attractive simply by being approachable. The man is considerably less terrified to ask her out because he has a good idea how it's going to turn out.

Does it all rest on the ladies? No. Men do have a responsibility to ask the ladies out. However, if you are really interested in a guy and he is single, and he is not making a move, what exactly is keeping you from calling him up and asking him to hang out? Like I said, he's much more likely to ask you out if he has a good idea that you'll say yes.

Remember: If you don't make your feelings known, you have no right to be upset. As one very much acquainted with rejection, in the long run you'll be happier knowing that you should look elsewhere as opposed to fixating on one option that is a non-option. If he thinks you'll say no, he won't ask you out. If you talk about what you feel (not too much, but clearly and honestly), the opportunity for misunderstanding decreases hugely. Flirt with guys you are interested in.

Again, I invite you to share any opposing views, but these are the views that I have. This is what works with me. I will continue to attempt to date people (females), but honestly, this will make everything easier on both sides.

Until Tomorrow,

Matt Fife

Sort of like Shark Week

Due to the fact that this blog is dedicated to attaining the unattainable and searching for the unsearchable, I have decided to have a week long special. Yes, like Shark Week but infinitely more dangerous for me. I will be swimming dangerous waters, and there is a good chance I will get bitten.

Recently, I've been hearing a lot of talk about dating (and here I enter the dangerous waters). I'm all for dating. I think it's a good idea. I think that the purpose of it is most excellent. I think that it can be done better. I think I should probably do it more. Over the week I will hit a myriad of topics regarding it.

Before I begin, I feel it would be a good idea for you to sort of get to know me, your guide for this week. The words standard and normal have never been applied to me. The words strange, eccentric, intense, and opinionated get used almost daily. But fear not. Some of these thoughts have been developed after discussions with my roommates, Sean and Kameron, so naturally not all of them will be as left-field as I can be. Feel free to disagree, debate, or disregard. Please do not feel free to hurt me. I have some experience (possibly extensive) in relationship dynamics. Now to arms.

One of the major problems with dating is that men seek advice regarding females from men, and women from women. This does have some benefits. If your female friend happens to be good friends with the guy in whom you show interest, she can probably tell you a lot about him. The problems start cropping up when the questions start getting more general. "How do I know if a man is interested in me?" "Why don't guys ask me out on more dates?" "Why do guys have to be so difficult?" The genders represented in these questions can easily be changed to suit a male audience, but I'll stick to addressing a female audience.

When one datingly-frustrated female asks another datingly-frustrated female why guys are this or that, or why they do this or don't do that, it has the same effect as holding two flames together. The flames get bigger. One could even say blown out of proportion. On the other hand, if a female were to come to me and say, "Matt, why do you do this or that or the other?" then I will say, "Oh, I didn't know I was," or "Well, here are my feelings on the subject." Hearing the story from the other party's point of view and perspective generally results in understanding, not more frustration.

"Wait a second, Matt. We can't just ask a guy how he feels. What if he just tells me what I want to hear?"

Well, ladies, I have a response. First off, if your relationship, or friendship, or desired relationship, or mutual interest, or even one-sided interest is built in such a way that he will tell you what you want to hear instead of the honest truth, I would suggest you stop. Just stop it. Quit it. Don't go there. There is this thing called honesty, and it's very important. No one likes having to guess what someone else is feeling or thinking. I and several others with whom I have talked would be ecstatic to have calm, open discourse with a lady. Dating does not, and should not, have to be a cloak-and-dagger event.

Disclaimer: Does this mean that if a man asks you out that you should just straight up say, "No, I'm not interested in you." No. How do you even know until you get to know him? As a personal rule of thumb, I find that it takes about two dates to really start getting to know someone, and then you can decide. The saying "You can never tell a book by its cover" definitely applies (unless the book is Twilight, then run, run as fast as you can).

However, if at the end of the second date you feel no inclination to continue with dates, tell him. Don't say things about valuing your friendship or that it's not a good time for you. All I hear is a load of garbage when I hear that. Don't continue to accept dates with him. Say (if true), "I've had fun on these dates with you, but I am not interested in pursuing anything with you." A rule of thumb, the more you sugar coat or cushion it, the harder it hits. Be open, be honest, express your feelings in a respectful manner. In person. Phones are evil.

Tune in tomorrow for more of my opinions on the subject of dating. That is if I haven't already mortally offended you.

Until then,
Matt Fife