Attraction: If You Can't Define It, Don't Expect Me To

Have you ever had this experience? There you are, sitting in a class, possibly talking about dating and marriage (I don't know any other topics that would yield the following), and you hear the advice to make a list of the qualities that you want in your future spouse. I don't know, I have, and from what I hear it's sort of a common thing. The trick with these lists is that you have to make them both exclusive and inclusive at the same time. Let me explain.

If an LDS woman puts down that she wants her future spouse to have a testimony, be temple worth, and honor his priesthood, I would consider those to be good exclusive properties. They are also things that you would probably talk about with someone in the course of a relationship. If you want your spouse to want children, that will also come up as you get to know each other and spend time together. Briefly, a good exclusive item does not necessarily limit the field from which you search for your man or woman (it can though, obviously, if you choose to only date LDS people).

If you put down things like "He must be taller than me," or "He has to have a good sense of humor (which is a silly thing to put down anyways)," or "I want him to have dark hair," or "He has to be handsome (attractive is a better term here, and I'll explain later)," then you are excluding people before getting to know them. The humor one is just silly because your "good" sense of humor might be bitter, bitter sarcasm, while another person might enjoy substantial wit. When you limit yourself from possible positive dating experiences because he does not appear to be what you want, you are probably missing out on some phenomenal people. Don't get me wrong, if you write those things down, you'll probably find them. I strongly believe that you find what you look for. However, what you think you are looking for and what will be the best for you sometimes are not found on the same street.

Essentially, you want to have standards for dating that would tell you when you should or should not proceed with a relationship, but not prevent you from having relationships with probably upstanding and wonderful gentlemen based on arbitrary and biased measurements of worth.

I said I'd talk about the attractive thing. Attractiveness is a grey area. I will discuss it carefully because this is where people tend to get a bit uppity. Can you date someone that you do not find attractive? Yes. Should you? I don't personally think so. People say that looks shouldn't matter, and these are generally datingly-frustrated people who believe that it is their look that is responsible for lack of dating, when really the answer almost always lies somewhere else. Like I said, you have to be approachable, but I digress.

Do not misinterpret what I am saying. I am not saying that dates should be chosen solely on physical appearance. That would be shallow. But to say that you should ask out people you are not attracted to would be nigh unto lunacy. I am also saying that we need to have a non-exclusive understanding of attractiveness. Inclusive, if you will. In most of my experience, attractiveness is more than physical beauty. In fact, it only loosely correlates at times.

Think of magnets, and think of them as if you have never taken a physics class and there is still mystery and wonder in your life. You take a metal like iron and you set it near a magnet, and the magnet will attract the metal by some mysterious force. There is something about that magnet that draws the metal to it, that brings it in. Women and men are all magnets. And there are more than just north and south poles for humans.

I cannot tell you how to be attractive, because it depends entirely on you and the aura, personality, energy, whatever, that you exude. I can't say how much make up to wear or how outgoing to be or what kind of jokes to tell, because honestly, it depends on the individual. Sticking with magnetism, I believe the saying "opposites attract" is an overly simplistic view. You need things in common. You need things different. You both need all the poles but you need them in such a way that they connect and complement.

But I can tell you that you need to be what you want to find, or attract, or what have you. If you want a confident man, be confident. If you want an educated man, get educated. If you want someone who is going to make a lot of money, rethink, because that should honestly be peripheral.

Now we come full circle to the initial commentary. Be what you want him/her to be. Live your life so that when he/she comes along, he/she will see their equal. Few things (to me) are more attractive than a woman who is my equal (or better, mostly better). Don't always focus so much on the doing, but on the being. Still do, but let it flow from the be. And remember, if a guy asks you out (or reverse, because that's something that you shouldn't shy away from), it's because there is something about you that drew him to you (or you to him). Then get to know him so that you can see if that original attractiveness diminishes or increases. Increasing attractiveness is generally a good sign that you have something good.

Always put your best foot forward, though, because you never know if that day when you choose to not be the best you will be the day that you run across the best for you. We all want the best, so we should work to let the best know the best in us when he/she sees it.

Sincerely,
Sir Matthew R. Fife