An Explanation of My Temporary Disappearance

After many moons I have finally finished what has been a very long and intense four months. Let's just say there was a reason that I was not updating my blog consistently (read "At All") for the past little bit. I did five shows in those four months. Let's recap.

First there was Phantom of the Opera, and first is sort of an arbitrary adjective because most of these projects were happening at the same time. I started working on this show in September, but the full explosion happened starting in January. I put in about 80 hours the first week back from break on that show. But I'd say it was worth it. It was my first foray into the world of Stage Management, which proved invaluable in a later project. I also got to learn Fly Systems, which also proved invaluable for a later project. Let's just say that if I had stopped after Phantom then I would have had a busy and successful semester. But that would have been too easy!

Then I performed Henry V, rehearsing all of January and then doing a two week run at BYU while touring every Tuesday and Thursday to elementary schools around Utah. That was nuts, because one small child is fine, but 600 is just terrifying. Plus we did theatre workshops with the sixth grade students before every show (Yeah, weird, I know, sixth grade in elementary school). I learned a great deal about children, how to harvest their minds, how to herd cats. Plus I got to drive a large van, so that was cool.

Next came Wind of a Thousand Tales, a student production. I enjoyed it. I learned things about working with people. It was also good practice because I will be doing the same project (different script) in Fall semester of this year (keep your eyes peeled for Learing: A Hip-Hop Adaptation from King Lear). Again I learned about molding the minds of children (granted, these children were freshmen).

In the meantime I also worked on Utah Regional Ballet's Peter Pan, wherein my skills with flight systems came in handy as I learned that essentially I am and always will be fairy dust (in a metaphorical way). I help people soar. And I'm good at it. I also discovered Rocky Mountain Drive-Inn (and no, that's not a typo), and their quantitatively good milk shakes. Oh yeah, and I actually got paid for this show. None of the others, although I did get 1.5 credits for Phantom, which accurately reflects the amount of work and number of hours that it required academically. Not really though.

And somewhere in the mess of all of this I also signed on to assistant direct Zion Theatre Company's 10th anniversary production of Farewell to Eden. This is where the stage management skills came in, because I also became acting stage manager for the run of the show. And whenever anyone said something like "Cast and Crew," they should have just said "Cast and Matt," except then you lose the alliteration. And cutting alliteration for a moderate slant rhyme just doesn't cut it in the community theatre business. I wanted to campaign for the program to say "Matt Fife: Matt Fife" instead of "Assistant Director: Matt Fife" because one title just doesn't cut it. I performed a unique amalgamation of roles that can never and should never be replicated. But I would not exchange the experience for anything. Well, maybe if I was exchanging it for stacks of money. Or a lifetime supply of pudding.

And so, if you have felt like maybe I disappeared from off the face of the earth, now you know why. Also if any family members or other people wonder why I'm still not in any sort of significant relationship with a female, then there is your answer, too. Sort of. A mighty Snorlax is involved in a more involved answer, but this suffices for now. I figured I'd share in case anyone wanted to know what I do with my life.

Exploring a Mother's Question

For the past two weeks my mother has been in town, helping my sister prepare to enter the MTC (which happened on Wednesday). We went on food adventures, I introduced her and my sister to pupusas, fun was had by all. We even had a mud mask party wherein dear friends and family mud masked the night away. After this event and beyond in the week, my mother and I were discussing dating and whatnot, and my mother asked a question in relation to my red delicious friend and myself. The question is this: "What is wrong with the girls here?" She was commenting on the consistent singularity of the two aforementioned men.

And that is a very good question. You would think that at a university of over 30,000 students with similar morals, all committed to living the same standards, that somewhere there would be some magical connection. I mean, that's like 30,000 students that feel that family ranks up there in the top three of important things, and marriage is in just about everyone's top 10 of things to do in college. I've heard countless talks and remarks about the great opportunities for the young people of the LDS church at the Church-sponsored schools (BYU, BYU-I, BYU-H). Where are these opportunities?

I don't have any answers, but I do have musings. A list of perhapses, if you will. 

Perhaps my associate and I need to work harder at dating. Not a very good perhaps. I have tried, and often felt like I am grasping empty air for all my efforts. I know he has as well. I do my best to get to know a lot of people, and I work closely with attractive females all the time in the theatre department. I establish very few pre-parameters, willing to date people in classes, all majors, within the ward, through friends. I do my best not to shut down any possible channels. Also, outside of Provo I have never had a problem with dating. Anywhere outside of Provo. Ever.

Perhaps the ladies are crazy. Let us be honest: A definite possibility for habitually passing this up. And when I typed this I mentally motioned to myself.

Perhaps I have lost my ability to meaningfully connect with people. I would argue against this based on the friends, acquaintances, and allies I have acquired here at the BYU. 

Perhaps the ladies are waiting for something better. It's possible that someone better exists, but with the combination of my looks, personality, steadiness, and mental acuity it would be difficult. Not impossible, but seriously evaluate the decision before you make it.

Perhaps I don't know how to date. I'll get into this after my list of perhapses.

Perhaps I simply do not fit the mold of what is considered eligible here at BYU. I mean, I do study theatre, Welsh, and how to play the ocarina. And I spell it theatre.

Perhaps I lack faith in the Lord's timetable. But I've heard a lot of talks that say that the timetable on this subject is sort of my business and that if I don't do it then I get chastised. In my defense, it's really hard to get married when people don't want to date you.

And lastly, perhaps I think about it too much. Or not enough. Happy mediums do tend to elude me.

But let's revisit two of my perhapses: Working hard enough at dating and not knowing how. Legitimate concerns. The following opinions reflect only upon the opinionator and no one else.

From where I stand, if you feel like you're working hard to date, you're doing it wrong. And maybe I'm wrong. However, it's the times when I've felt like I've worked the hardest that I also feel like I'm trying to hold back the tide by standing in the surf with my arms outstretched. Futile at best.

From where I stand, the most meaningful and lasting relationships of my life have happened almost naturally, like the confluence of two rivers. I didn't walk up to my best friends and say, "Hey, will you all be my friends?" And I'm not saying that maintenance of relationships is effortless. Life has a tendency to pull us together and apart with equal frequency, and it takes dedication and consistent effort to resist the natural forces pulling against. What I am saying is that you have to cobble together a friendship or romantic relationship from odds and ends laying about the shop then the natural entropy of the universe will always exceed any amount of effort you can muster to keep your makeshift relationship together.

In my mind a romantic relationship develops thus: Boy and girl meet and find common ground. They talk and get to know each other. As they get to know each other they find themselves attracted to one another. No one has to pass a note that says "Do you like me?" because they automatically start spending time together, and then more time, and more time, until that attraction blossoms into something magnificent. Then, each side being committed to taking what has naturally bloomed to greater heights works together to find deeper love, deeper affection, and deeper wells from which to water the garden.

And that's my ideal. I know people that have started off with a "Hey, I don't know you, let's go on a date" and turned it into a "You may now kiss the bride." But that's just not how I function. And that's why I say I don't know how to date. I don't know how to take straw and spin it into gold. I know how to take a seed, water it, nourish it, care for it, and watch it grow. I don't know how to cultivate barren earth. I don't know how to build dams to redirect flow in a direction the river was never going to go. I don't know how to do the Provo dating scene. And I have yet to find a women that is as lost as I am, that is willing to grow alongside me and flow in the same direction for a while. I feel like a lasting relationship is less about grafting in foreign branches and more about planting two seeds in the same ground and delighting as they grow and intertwine, making one tree out of two.

So maybe in the long run it's less about what's wrong with women here, and more about what's wrong with the societal structures and expectations. Or it could be what's wrong with Matt's fantastical imagination. No matter what, I know what I'm looking for, even if I never find it. 

And to all the ladies that do not want to date me, I bear you no ill will.