Crossed Signals

I just found this image very hilarious. Probably created by a datingly-frustrated male. You see, that's the thing. Both sides are frustrated (unless you are a dating magician, in which case you would not be frustrated at all). And do you want to know why? It's because the signals that you think you are sending (male or female) are not being received by the opposite gender.

Not entirely long ago a magnificent female friend came over to our apartment, and we all proceeded to discuss the very subject. Questions like, "How do you know if it's cool with a girl to hold her hand?" or "When is it cool to kiss a girl?" came up in the conversation. What followed blew my mind. From the answers, it seemed like normal, every-day body language took on an entirely new meaning in the dating world. Signals, if you will. And it also seemed like it took vast amounts of energy to analyze each of the signals correctly.

Let's take eye contact for a example. Apparently, if a girl maintains eye contact with you longer than normal, it may or may not mean that she might or might not want you to maybe possibly lean it for a possible kiss. And yes, I am repeating what I heard, not necessarily what was said. How is anybody supposed to wade through a signal like that. From time to time, I maintain eye contact when I'm talking to someone. Sometimes a girl just can't find her keys immediately in her purse. How am I supposed to know what normal duration of eye contact is?

Here we hit the quandary. At times in communication we don't give each other enough credit. However, in the instance of "signals" I think we might be giving each other too much credit. It feels like we are asking each other to translate ancient Gaelic, and while I do know a bit of Welsh, they are not the same.

I will admit, sometimes it just flows naturally. Sometimes you just know what's going to happen before it does, and life is magical. However, if you are like me and are completely terrified of women, those events are few and far between.

This brings me to my actual point. And it's even somewhat related to signals. Feedback. And I don't mean baking for a man, though I would not be opposed if people wanted to do so for me.

How many of you have gone on a date, it seemed to go well, but then the guy does not continue asking you out? I'm not saying it's your fault, it's probably on him. In fact, if it is I you are thinking about, I guarantee it's my fault. However, that should not stop you from making it clear that you would like to go out on more dates with him. Clarity in signals. A novel idea.

Imagine this exchange:
Girl - "Thanks, that was fun, we should do it again sometime."
Guy - "Oh yeah, we should." (Pause)
Girl - "Well, have a good night."
Guy - "You, too, goodnight."

Now completely ignoring tone, because reading tone is one of those signals that I dislike dealing with, let's just look at the words, because I love words, in case that is not obvious at this point. My main issue with this is the "sometime." I've said it before, I admit. But I hate it. It's so indefinite. Maybe you think that's an amazing way to end a date. I disagree.

I served an LDS mission, and when I hear things like "You should come back sometime," "When?", "Oh, sometime," I begin doubting the sincerity of the words being said. It could be a personal flaw, but when you have dealt with a similar amount of rejection it's very hard to take indefinites seriously.

Imagine the following exchange with a timid fellow:
Guy - "I hope you enjoyed yourself this evening."
Girl - "Yeah, I had a lot of fun, thank you."
Guy - "Maybe we can do it again."
Girl - "Definitely. This next week is kind of busy for me, but I can do lunch most days."
Guy - "Oh, well, how about getting lunch on Thursday, does that work for you?"
Girl - "That should be fine, but I'll have to check. Give me a call tomorrow and we can figure it all out."
Guy - "Sounds great. I'll definitely give you a call tomorrow. Have a goodnight."
Girl - "Goodnight."

You don't even need tone to know that this girl is interested in continuing to go on dates with this guy. Note that at the beginning, the dude is terrified. Shaking in his boots. Completely unsure how to proceed. Let's just call this guy Mark. By letting Mark know her availability, she is also letting him know that she would probably say yes if he asked her out during an available time. Everyone is happy, and they both get a second date. Did Mark have to worry about reading obscure signals correctly? No, because it was clear.

But wait, can this sort of method also apply to being asked out for the first date? Yes. We'll keep using Mark as an example. If Mark calls up a girl and asks her out, it's probably because it took him about 30 minutes to pump himself up enough to actually dial the number, and then another 10 minutes to press call, even if the girl had shown some interest in him previously. Unfortunately, the girl responds to his invite with a short, "I'm sorry, I'm busy." To Mark, that is just a four word way of saying two letters (No). What if the girl had responded, "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't on Saturday evening. I already have plans. But I don't have anything going on next weekend"? Again, it is clear that she would say yes if she were available, and she gives him a way to proceed if he so chooses. Brilliant!

I'm not entirely opposed to body language and appropriate signalling. I went on a 40 minute date once because everything screamed "She doesn't want to be here with you." In that case a simple "No" from the outset would have sufficed. Signalling and body language does have its place. Its place, however, is not at critical moments or in obscure ways. I've talked about honesty and communication, but without clarity, none of that matters. If you want a guy to keep asking you out (or, as I have said, ask you out in the first place), you have to let him know that you would welcome it, and that there would be a high probability of a yes. Do it for Mark. It will give him less headaches and less stress. And more happiness in dating (which generally yields more dating).

I give you gold (from my own perspective), spend it how you wish. Give whatever feedback you like, but I challenge you to try my way once and see what happens.

Sincerely,
Matt Fife