Fri-END-zone?

In the world exists a man known as Dr. John Mordecai Gottman. I believe that based only on his middle name I would trust his word on relationships. However, in addition to the middle name, I have also read his work. My mom sent me the first two chapters of one of his books in a very piratical and copyright infringing way, and I also looked up what I could on the Interwebz in order to round out my understanding of his thoughts and conclusions. Apparently he is sort of known as the nation’s top marriage expert by some. I found his research and conclusions interesting, so we will jump right in off the springboard of his central theme.

What makes a good marriage (and by extension, relationship)? Communication? Trust? Passion? Romance? Time? Compatibility? Lack of weirdiness? Lack of arguments? Well, none of them by themselves. According to the good doctor, the core of every good marriage is friendship.

Let’s look at that further. In a friendship you are positive about each other. That seems like a good starting place for any relationship. When we focus on the positive aspects of anyone, we tend to have a healthier relationship with that person. When we focus on the positive feelings, the good times, the admirable qualities, we grow closer to that person. We are focusing on their maximum potential, which will not only raise our opinions of that person, but will also make us want to work together with them to achieve that potential in them and us. When everyone puts their best foot forward, eventually the best foot becomes the normal foot and they can move forward by putting their now-improved best foot forward. Sort of like walking.

Secondly you know the person. Their hopes, dreams, goals, what makes them tick, the touchy subjects, how to push their buttons and how to diffuse tense situations. You know what they like, what they don’t like. You know if they want blueberries in their pancakes or if they prefer flax seed. I feel like this one should be obvious. Maybe it’s just me, but the greatest number of social missteps I take are in large groups where I don’t know or know in passing the a lot of the people. When you know someone really well and you make a mistake, you can smooth it out, and they’ll let you smooth it out because they know you. You can anticipate reactions, know the best way to surprise, know how to make a day better, and basically just mutually support each other. And the whole trust thing. You trust people you know. You don’t trust strangers. Unless they have candy or are handing out free cookies and asking you to sign things without explanations.

Thirdly, you interact with your friends. You talk about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. You talk 

about your day and are genuinely interested when they talk about theirs. You talk about successes, failures, ups and downs. You spend time together in which you enjoy each other’s company. Doesn’t this sound like an effective way to strengthen any relationship? Surprise! It is. Think of your best friend. When was the last time you made a grand gesture of friendship to them? Wait, never? You mean you love and care for them based solely on your normal interactions with each other? Fascinating. (In romantic situations, grand gestures can be pleasant, but should reinforce, not replace daily interaction)

So what I’m gathering from this is that the tired cliché, “I married my best friend,” should always be true, and should continue to be true throughout the relationship (leading up to, during, and forever).

Ladies, Gentlemen, what I am about to say could rock your world. Prepare for a PARADIGM SHIFT!!!

Men, the “Friend-zone” is exactly where you want to be. Your gasps are audible to me. In fact, I suggest you invest in as many Friend-zones as possible.

Ladies, if you find yourself habitually single, might I suggest looking at your circle of close friends. Stop it…I swear I just heard one of you think, “But I don’t want to ruin our friendship” or “But I’ve known him forever, that’d be weird.” Might I draw your attention to the lameness of those responses?

The first one, ruining friendship. I’m friends with all but one of my ex-girlfriends. Maybe not as close as we were, but friends nonetheless. $5 says that getting married to someone else would have the same effect. So your potential jeopardizing of your stringless closeness is actually an inevitability. Chances are good that your friendship will evolve and change regardless. In fact, if you and your friend are a good fit for each other, wouldn’t eternal marriage sort of strengthen that friendship? Just a thought.

The second one, known for too long. Bogus. Until you live with someone, you cannot know too much about them. I will swear on that. Once you live with someone, you will forever after know too much about them. But wouldn’t the fact that you’ve known them, that you’re close to them, that you are mutually supportive and authentically caring about each other translate into a solidly founded romantic relationship? Take from this what you will.

Gentlemen, I want you in friend-zones for a several reasons:

      A)     Can you think of a better way to learn and apply solid girl-interaction skills than with real, live girls? Especially ones that will take your social flaws in stride, laugh, and say, “Oh Matt, you doofus.” Change the name to suit your pleasure.

      B)      So she’s not romantically interested in you right now, big deal. You’re a man. Would you rather complain about it or give her the opportunity to get to know the real you and realize that she wants your body like a starving hyena wants a scrap of wildebeest flesh?

      C)      The more close female friends you have, the more likely it is that the hyena situation will result. It will not happen with all of them, but relationships grow and evolve (just like hyenas). Maybe the young hyena doesn’t know how to scavenge from the lion’s kill, but as the hyena grows, she will know exactly how tasty wildebeest is and will desire it with an almost unholy craving (At least that’s what I gathered from Disney’s The Lion King).

      D)     Close female friends give you advice on relationships (if you seek it out). They are your in into the female psyche. The World of Women. The Holy Grail of any man seeking feminine knowledge. Not all of this advice is verbal, though. Watch how they react in your conversations. Learn that not all women appreciate a good Fart Joke like you do. Although if she does, snatch her up.

Now, I’m not saying that you should force a romantic relationship out of nothing. I’m telling you to be open to the possibility. I am saying that the basis for any good relationship is a solid and strong friendship.

I know people that say that they don’t date women from their ward [or classes, or work, or Home Evening Group, or that they home teach (While I understand this one, and will not fault you for adhering to it, my Stake President back home got married to the girl he home taught, and they are happy as can be)]. To those that say that, where are you finding your women? Random dames on the street? Do you engage in serious relationships with strangers? Those of you that successfully date random women, would you at least concede that before becoming serious you form a friendship with the lady? Exactly.

So gents, keep your eyes peeled, your complaining to a minimum, and your manliness high on the scale. Treasure up feminine knowledge like water from a well in the midst of the desert.

Ladies, take a closer look. You might be surprised by what you find. Maybe that friend who is thoughtful and sweet and there for you and caring and supportive and your personal cheerleader and comforting could be a valid option for relationship cultivation. Or you could date that really ripped guy with the tight polo shirt or v-neck and the flat-brimmed Vivint baseball cap who sells unnecessary alarm systems to unwary old ladies during the year and pest control during the summer (I would recommend this at least once so that you know you’re not missing something).

Fri-end?-zone. More like Launch Pad.

Isn't it about Time?

I have been having some issues with today’s entry. By last Saturday, I had the entire week planned out, a healthy balance of my own thoughts and others’ suggestions. It was perfect. But then, as so often happens in my life, I talked to Kameron, re-evaluated, and Thursday’s topic merged with Tuesday’s. We also came up with an awesome topic to fill the Thursday void, but as so often happens in my life, I forgot to write it down, and neither one of us remembers it.

I could have just come up with something, but this morning I was feeling slightly snippy (having my food stolen at Taco Bell did not help. They need a different system, and I have several suggestions if they want to hear them), so I did not trust myself to write something pleasant. Then, at the exact right moment (as so often happens in my life) I talked with my mother, and she presented some ideas that had all the markers of a brilliant post. She’ll be sending me some reading material, so that post is not today. But it did create a way to fill the void, and now, because of things happening at proper moments in time, I can shift the week a bit and give you something non-snippish.

I bet you didn’t realize that I was subtly crafting an intro about timing. Because that’s what I’m talking about today. When is it right? Is it ever too late? How do you know? Hopefully I will be able to hit on some topics that will relate to suggestions by two friends (one who asked on behalf of a friend).

We’re going in reverse pyramid. We’ll start out with a more general look at time, and then move into more specifics.

Is it ever too late for you? Gentlemen, I’m sure you’ve all heard the apocryphal quote attributed to Brigham Young that states that “if you are past the age of (insert age between 21 and 27) and unmarried, you are a menace to society.” I did some investigation. Apparently it’s impossible to attach that quote in any way, shape, or form to Brother Brigham. However, what I did find was a very interesting quote (probably the source for the corrupted quote that we attribute to President Young) by George Q. Cannon taken from a General Conference address he gave in April of 1878.

"Our boys, when they arrive at years of maturity and can take earn of a wife, should get married, and there should not be a lot of young men growing up in our midst who ought to be, but are not married. While I do not make the remark to apply to individual cases, I am firmly of the opinion that a large number of unmarried men, over the age of twenty-four years, is a dangerous element in any community, and an element upon which society should look with a jealous eye. For every man knowing himself, knows how his fellow-man is constituted; and if men do not marry, they are too apt to do something worse. Then, brethren, encourage our young men to marry, and see that they are furnished employment, so that they can marry."

I actually really like that quote. Especially because he’s talking about idleness in a society. He’s not saying, “Now you men, you’ve been trying your best for years, but now you’ve reached a certain age, so you are now considered a menace to society for not being successful in your dating pursuits.” That’s just silly. Now gents, I do want you to know that I fully endorse what has been echoed in several of the past General Conferences. If you’re not trying, you’re failing. Whether or not you are successful in your dating life is entirely outside of the point. You do need to have a dating life (or try to have one), and be preparing yourselves for eventual success.  So really the question ceases to be “Is it too late?” and becomes “Am I doing what I can?” instead. However, if you have graduated, are employed at Starbucks, and are living in your parent’s basement, well, congratulations, you really are a menace to society.

Ladies, I’m pretty sure it’s never too late for you. Apparently you’re not really responsible for your marital status because the responsibility of active dating rests entirely upon the shoulders of the men. I guess it’s also possible that you have to make yourselves available for dating. I mean, I do know of people who complain about their love lives yet spend all of their time with friends (hanging with the girlfriends, bromances, married friends, etc.) that in no way advance their goal of ever being married. If girls don’t accept dates, or derail or postpone serious relationships (clearly for reasons other than no romantic and emotional connection) then they have no right to complain.

I have an idea. The next time a guy calls you up (which in a previous Dating Week I said was extremely difficult for me at least, and I assume other gentlemen suffer from the same struggle), instead of saying, “Sorry, I have plans with my other friends who are single and female and we’re planning on (sitting around in our pajamas talking about boys/eating dinner while discussing our lack of relationships/going skeet shooting/having a Spa night with Matt),” you could instead say, “I’d love to. I was planning on hanging out with Stacy, though. Wouldn’t it be fun if you found another single guy and we could make this a group date, thus allowing for all of us to take steps towards becoming unsingle-ized!” If you use this script (feel free to change Stacy’s name to fit the situation) you win extra points. You could even suggest possible friends of the gentleman caller that you think would be perfect for Stacy. I see no problem with this.

I know, I know. “Matt, that sounds like work!” you say accusatorily. “That’s because that is the spine of all relationships,” I reply. Believe me. I know about work. If I have a date idea planned in advance, I make on average 5-7 calls to find one girl that will say yes. Is it worth it? I’ll tell you when I’m married.

Excellent, now we have that out of the way.

Let’s get a bit more specific in our timing discussion. Let’s say you are doing all you can. You go on dates. You’re available. You’re looking. You think that you could have a nice relationship with this one person. How do you know if it’s time to be in a relationship?

Counter-question time!

Are you a freshman? If no, move on. If yes, you are probably not ready for a serious relationship. Please date other freshmen to get to know you better. Once accomplished (Meaning, once you have some real-ish life experience) you will no longer be a freshman and you are free to do as you please.

Is the other person a freshman? If no, congratulations. You can move on. If yes, why? I firmly believe that freshmen at BYU need to date other freshmen. Why? It’s relatively pressure-less, but you learn a lot about yourself in the dating arena. Those freshmen guys, most of them won’t be here next year (If you are not a freshman woman and you are dating a freshman guy, you should also seriously analyze your life). The freshmen girls, they’re barely old enough to vote. For all the freshmen, this is probably the first considerable amount of time they have spent living on their own. They are caught up in the turmoil of college, and by the time they have finally figured it out, they have graduated. Freshmen date freshmen. That is all.

Is he or she on a mission (or will he or she be leaving on a mission imminently)? If no, proceed. If yes, you might ask, “Why does this matter?” First off, how did you manage to start a relationship with a missionary? Secondly, I’ll tell you. I am almost 100% opposed to the idea of “waiting for a missionary.” I think there is a higher success rate for guys waiting for girls, but that’s not the point. Out of 1000 girls waiting for missionaries, 9500 of them will not. Seeing as how there is really no good way to break the news to a missionary, about half of them will simply stop writing for a while, and then explode the news, crushing one solid week of missionary work (If he went on a mission because of you, you can actually increase the likelihood of destroying the rest of his mission as he loses all motivation!). So 500 successfully made it two years. Sadly, 400 of you will find out that neither of you is the same, and you don’t really work together as a couple anymore. What do you have to show for your two years? A slightly distracted mission and one failed long-distance relationship. Could be worse. Out of the remaining 100, 50 of you will be blindsided when the missionary realizes that (worse than both of you changing) you haven’t changed at all. Think of all those growth opportunities you passed up to “wait.” The other 50, you somehow managed to use the experience to help you become a better person. Congrats to the .5%. (Disclaimer, the previous statistics were entirely fabricated, but the results are real. Distribution of results is what has been falsified)

Do you want a relationship? If no, then I hope your response is obvious. If yes, then proceed.

A wise man once told a girl in need of relationship advice, “There are only two outcomes for any relationship. If you stop moving forward, then it will invariably be derailed.” I don’t actually know what it means to be “Ready for a relationship.” All of my relationships just sort of happened. You know, start off with a couple of dates, start spending more time together, next thing you know you spend a whole messload of time together and you wouldn’t want it any other way. If you come to a point where you have to think, “Hmm, is this the relationship for me?” please return to the previous question: “Do I want to be in a relationship with (insert name here)?” Maybe more complicated than that. Feel free to diagram pros and cons (but beware, diagrams often tell you what you want them to tell you).

Essentially, it’s never too late, and if it’s happening and you feel comfortable with the happening, it’s never too early (after your freshman year). Don’t think too much about it. I find that people make their own problems most of the time by thinking too much. In time, you will become unsingle-ized. Clearly not everything I've said applies to everyone at all times. Take what you want, leave the rest. Unless you're a freshman. Then I strongly encourage you to pay attention to my freshman-specific advice.

A Lid for Every Pot (Or a Pot for Every Lid)

Once upon a time a wise woman said to a Sunday School class that centered on the doctrine of marriage and cultivating Christ-like relationships, “It is better to be single than to settle.” I thought it counted as more or less brilliant advice. I took it at face value and never really thought about it. Everyone says that you should never settle for less than your best, so why should you settle on anything less than the best when it comes to dating and relationships?

But then, when I first called for submissions for topics to be discussed during dating week, a friend asked if I could talk about the difference between settling and compromise. I smelled a challenge, and I have gone on a psychological and ponderous adventure to develop an opinion on the subject.

Sometimes when I want a sandwich, but have no bread, I settle for a bag of pretzels. Sometimes when I want a roast beef sandwich but all I have is turkey, I compromise with myself and accept the turkey sandwich. I settle for store brand barbecue sauce because I don’t have any Sweet Baby Ray’s. I compromise and put two tomato slices on my sandwich instead of three (because the bread is not large enough for some of the mighty tomatoes I sometimes obtain).

Settle just has such a negative connotation. Compromise sounds pleasant. When something is settled, you generally mean that you definitely did not get what you wanted. When you compromise, you took what you could get, not exactly what you wanted, but still come out of it all with a victory. In a compromise, everybody wins.  In a settlement, you lose.

So let’s talk about relationships. I think that a lot of us have somewhere in our minds (some of us have it more towards the front, some to the back) the ideal that we want to obtain (or that we want our significant other to attain). Ideally we would find the perfect man (or woman, if you’re male) and life would be awesome. To the max. Sometimes we get involved in a relationship and we are pretty sure that the other person is perfect. Most of the time we feel slightly disappointed when our assumptions turn out to be false (which tends to be the case).

Ladies, you can tell me if I’m wrong, but I hear you want a man who is romantic, shiny, handsome, suave, debonair, thoughtful, great with kids, polite, gentlemanly, courteous, brave, honest. Who gets along great with your family, does the dishes, cooks, cleans, makes delicious sandwiches, works hard, and never complains about it. I’m sorry, I can’t date you all. And I hope everyone knows I’m joking. Of course I can date you all (Please, contact my secretary to set an appointment).

In all seriousness, you want perfection. And why shouldn’t you? You deserve it. Every woman deserves it. Some men deserve it, too. But the problem I find with perfection (aside from it often being false in most of the human race), is that I ask myself, “Matt, if the perfect woman came along, would she want you?” The answer is invariably, “It’s impossible to say.”

So maybe we shouldn’t look for him or her to be perfect. Maybe we should instead look for us to be perfect together. At this point I have also shifted definitions of perfect. Instead of a flawless ideal, I am talking about a completion. The yin to your yang. The yellow to your purple. The 42˚ to your 48˚. The spades and clubs to your hearts and diamonds. The spoon to your fork (thus creating the spork, an infinitely more useful instrument of eating). A complementing, if you will.

You’ve heard the saying (if you’ve talked to a man named Andrew or his mother) that every pot has its lid. I’m personally glad that the metaphor does not involve Tupperware, because then you’d never find the top when you needed it. After dating around for a while, most people pretty much know what they are looking for. You start realizing after getting to know someone if they are going to be a dodecagonal top to your triangular pot, or if it’s simply a matter of measuring angles. Settling is when you are so upset and frustrated with all the ins and outs of trying to find that one lid that will fit perfectly, that will finally allow you to cook without worry that you say, “Forget it, a dodecagon is close enough. A shame I broke up with that parallelogram, but this will have to do.” Might I submit that this is unwise (for various reasons, not the least of which being that you should not date shapes, you should date people).

Compromising however is when you fudge the numbers a little bit. So he’s not 45-45-90 triangle, but is it really so bad that he’s off by a degree or two here and there? If you are a math major, then yes, and you are toast within the constructs of this analogy. Sorry.

I don’t believe there is one person out there that will complete your life. No such thing as a soulmate preordained to make your life full of rainbows and unicorns (Though I’m working on it. The unicorns are the easy part, but these rainbows. I’m convinced they are magic). No locking of eyes and swooning. Sorry. No love at first sight. No declarations of passionate love on the teacup ride under the fireworks.

When you plant two trees right next to each other and finagle with nature a little, you don’t get one tree, but they do grow together.

So what I’m saying, with regards to settling and compromise, is that it actually is better to be single than to settle. You can’t force two super distinct and non-compatible items to co-exist in the same space simply because of convenience, or frustration, or because it seems like the only option or a good idea at the time. However, when two people are close enough, when maybe he’s not as romantic and dreamy as you want, but he does try and cares for you a great deal (and it’s reciprocated), then why not compromise.

No relationship is perfect, and it will require work, but why settle for more work than it’s worth? Try as hard as you can to find the best that you can, and then work towards becoming the lid and the pot that will fit together. You’ll both have to work (and if he or she is not willing to work, then it won’t work, and maybe he or she is more of a decagon than you had initially imagined). See, in the compromise, you both win, you both sacrifice, and you both work. In the settling, you end up doing the work with a minimal happiness payoff. You lose.

Hopefully this answers the question that was asked of me. If not, then hopefully it answers the question that was not asked. Either way, I’m all for suggestions, and you suggest them at your own risk.

What is Love? Baby, Don't Hurt Me

What is love? Today we will discuss the popular depiction of love with what the people here at Hunting Sasquatch believe.

First we’ll look at Taylor Swift. Based on my iTunes library, I somehow happen to have 54 songs by Taylor Swift. Taking into account some correction and the assumption that not every song is specifically about some one person (I also don’t have any of her holiday special stuff, but if I did, I’d eliminate it entirely from this segment), I can relatively safely assume that Taylor Swift has been in love approximately 30 times (Maybe 20). She’s also 21 (if I remember correctly from her Twitter posts). If we assume she was not romantically attached to anyone before she turned 15, as can be safely extrapolated from her song “Fifteen,” then that averages to falling in love about (and when I say about, I mean exactly averages to) 5 love connections each year. This math is incomplete because she is also releasing her fourth album here in the next several months.

Let’s look at some of her lyrics.

“And I can’t breathe without you, but I have to.”

“But I’ve been screamin’ and fightin’ and kissin’ in the rain. It’s 2 AM and I’m cursing your name. You’re so in love that you acted insane, and that’s the way I loved you.”

“I’m only me when I’m with you.”

“I said leave but all I really want is you to stand outside my window throwing pebbles screaming ‘I’m in love with you’.”

“As I turn out the light I’ll put his picture down and maybeget some sleep tonight.”

Along with songs like “Back to December,” “Dear John,” “Cold as You,” and “Forever and Always” we see a trend towards relationships that burn with fiery passion but then result in bitterness and distance. I can’t think of a single healthy relationship that contains all of the unbalanced range of emotions she talks about in her songs.  You also get the sense of a detachment from reality, which leads to her assessment of love in fairy tale terms, such as in “Love Story” or “If This Were a Movie.” Really, you can gather a solid through-line of regret and a hint of loneliness. Does this sound like those 30 times have been love?

Other artists of the same circle exhibit some of the same tendencies (and I am not saying that they are all crazies). Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus, even Youtube stars such as Tiffany Alvord or the other females she interacts with on the Youtube. It seems they all want a knight in shining armor to sweep them off their feet (Tiffany Alvord even went so far as to tweet about that desire. She tweets a lot, and there are some gems of teenage girl love-wisdomish). They want to be absorbed into some form of passion where their whole world becomes entwined with their significant other, where thought, action, and feeling all become informed and dictated by their relationship status. Their careers sort of depend on it. Why is this considered the successful route in their careers?

I've heard a lot of young ladies say that no matter what is going on in their lives, there is a Taylor Swift song about it. I would opine that we live in a culture wherein the word “Love” has taken on a corrupted meaning, which is propagated and perpetuated by the media, because it’s so extraordinary that it sells. No one wants to buy a book, watch a movie, listen to a song, or read a comic book about ordinary folks and normal life. We look to exceptional folks like Superman, Spiderman, Batman, the Avengers, the Justice League, etc. because of their exceptional qualities. Chick flicks, romance novels, Twilight, teen television dramas, and other things share that same quality. You catch yourself saying, “Why can’t I find a man like that?” or “That’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen”.  We wish we could have that excitement in our lives, that level of intensity, that instant spark, that one film shot that lets everyone know that you will be together at the end of the film.

But here’s the problem. Those represent only moments in time, just like the Taylor Swift songs. Life is more than a three minute song or an hour and forty-five minute movie. It’s more than a 300 page book. It contains only the highest of highs and the lowest of lows because we don’t want to see the even periods of life. We live those. Why would we want to see or hear or read about them? But this universal focus on the moment has skewed perspective. We spend so much time consuming the exceptional that the ordinary (which really is truly extraordinary) fails to move us and we miss it in our lives (Could this also be one of the reasons some of us struggle with spirituality in our lives? I mean, the scriptures, the stories we hear, everything that sticks in our brains is about the extraordinary acts of faith, the miracles, the sudden changes of heart, and we forget that we are only receiving a moment, and that life is more than the one moment).

This past summer I climbed a couple of mountains. I’ll start off by saying this: It was hard. Every time. The goal with every mountain is the same: to summit. No one who climbs mountains ever says, “My favorite part was probably the first couple miles where we meandered through the trees” or “I really liked that part when we were crossing that boulder field in the blazing sun.” It’s all about reaching the top. When I climbed King’s Peak, we hiked and climbed for three days. Out of those three days, we spent probably about 30-45 minutes at the summit. The rest of the time was grueling labor up and down and up again, through woods, across rivers, over rock fields, into valleys and through passes. There was some frustration the first night when the camp stove didn’t work (But we totally just cooked on our fire, so it worked out). My favorite moment came each night right before going to bed when we quietly looked up in awe at the billions of stars visible that far away from any semblance of civilization. A lot of the weekend was really just spent moving forward. Nothing exciting really happening. There were some moose.

This does have a point. In our lives we are going to experience the whole shebang. For me, love is like hiking in the mountains. You will come across beautiful views that take your breath away. You will reach the summit. You will have those beautifully quiet moments when you see the stars, and it’s more than you ever imagined. But you’ll also plod a lot. You remember that one time a paragraph ago when I said, “It’s hard”? Well, that’s what love is. As sure as I am of that, I’m also sure that it’s not a feeling. You’re not sitting there one day and all of a sudden gasp and scream, “Gadzooks! I have deduced that this is the feeling of love!” At least I haven’t seen it. I also might be the only person that exclaims in that manner.

If you’re familiar with the Princess Bride, you know that True Love is the noblest of causes. I have no problem with these teenage girls growing up hoping that they will find true love. But they do need to realize that most likely it will not play out like a Disney film or a Swift song.

I also think that we, for the most part, look for love in the wrong places. We expect to find love with someone else. We expect for some dashing hero (or heroine) to strike like lightning in our lives and then, without a doubt, we will experience love. Love is sort of an interior, personal thing. There is a reason we declare our love. We say that we love someone (or something if you‘re the woman that married the Liberty Bell), we do not declare that they love us. Imagine the scene. A couple has been dating for a while. They feel comfortable with each other. They are willing to sacrifice for each other. They have worked through hard times and are willing to work through more. They’ve weathered the storms and come through more firmly connected. They feel the same levels of affection, honestly caring about the wellbeing of the other. They are bound together by connections that are not only physical, but spiritual and mental as well. The boy decides that he’s going to say it. It’s finally time. He leans toward her ear and whispers, “You love me.” She blushes and smiles, then whispers, “You love me, too.”

We are the ones that experience love. Those qualities that I listed in that example, that is what I think love takes. Sacrifice, multiple levels of bonding, hard work, willingness to support, strength, tenderness, affection, (time), bonding [on multiple levels, because a lip-to-lip bond, no matter how vigorous, will always end (unless you accidently become glued together, or your braces hilariously entwine)], and comfort. And all of those are things that only you can know. Do you feel comfortable? Are you willing to sacrifice and support despite the obstacles and the turbulence of life? Will you peace out at the first sign of trouble.

Maybe we should stop looking for love, and start loving, start growing our capacity to love one another. Romantic love involves bonds that are different than other types of love, but the core of all love is the same.

Keep listening to your love songs, keep watching your chick flicks, keep reading your romance novels (unless of course you find the entire genre below you, but you know you read Harry Potter partially to see who ended up with whom).  But I do hate to break it to you. Love probably doesn’t conquer all. Hard work will. Perseverance. Dedication. Romance and dashing heroes (or heroines)? Not a chance.

True love is definitely not a feeling. You don’t just spontaneously fall in love. I don’t like the idea of falling in love, because I feel like that implies that love is a lower state of being, but true love is the noblest action of all. Because love is action. Love is sacrifice. Love is hard. But love is worth it.

All Things Fall Apart

Breaking up. It’s something that we all do. In fact, it’s something that you will do for every relationship but one (ideally). Maybe it does not bode well that I am starting Dating Week with a discussion of the nearly inevitable end to dating, but aren’t endings just beginnings in disguise?

I understand that people don’t often want to talk about it. In fact, directly after a break-up, that is precisely the response given in most teen dramas. “I don’t want to talk about it.” But I’m a Good Mythical Mornings watcher, so my response is always, “Let’s talk about that.”

I have experience four relatively impressive break-ups in my life. The last one even lasted like three months, and I still don’t have a clear idea about what happened. Actually, I do, but I like to say that to avoid talking about it. We’re not doing that today.

Let’s dissect some of them.

First real break-up (and I use the term loosely here, because real might not apply to the relationship either): This occurred directly before my junior year of high school. Some people say that you shouldn’t date seriously in high school. In retrospect, I probably agree with them. This relationship never really took off. It ended in a phone call that came at about 11 o’clock at night. She wanted to focus on school. She wanted to take a break. Once she had a handle on things she was sure we could get back to the way things were.

I call bull on that. Did she focus on school? Hard to say, but studies indicate the probability is low. Was it a break? Yes, a complete and solid one. Did we ever get back together? Nope! Was I bothered by this? Yes, and I’ll tell you why. Do you remember back in the day when someone told you for the first time that “Honesty is the best policy”? Surprise! It applies to relationships. Go figure. As far as I have been able to gather, every guy knows when am girl is blowing smoke up his skirt, presumably to “not hurt his feelings.” Here is some new: if someone is serious about you, their feelings will be hurt by you no longer liking them or you not being able to see a future for the two of you. Attempting to soften the blow is insulting.

Suggestion: Say what you mean, because anything else can be misleading and possibly slow the healing process, in turn causing more hurt than the truth ever could.

Second Break-up: Okay, I lied. We’re not talking about this one. I’m a still a little bothered by how it went down. I believe there was honesty for the most part, but I also believe there were solutions that could have been implemented (apparently the choice to date me precluded having friends, which was news to me after eight months). Leads me to believe that while honesty was employed, clarity and total honesty was not.

Suggestion: Be clear, be thorough, and don’t hold truth back (well, relevant truth. I’m not going to bring up my third grade experiences during a break-up).

Third Break-up: This was the only break-up that I take full responsibility for (the only one I initiated, carried out, and completed). I personally feel like I did it correctly. If Emily reads this post and feels differently, I invite her to repudiate my statements. We can only learn if someone corrects us, and I still thoroughly respect her opinion and consider her a good friend. Backstory: I was going on my mission within several months. I had felt some distance growing especially as my mind was elsewhere with preparations for the impending mission and other issues that weighed heavily on my mind. To be honest, any problems were completely my fault. I stopped investing as much of myself in the relationship as she continued to, and I felt it was unfair to draw out the inevitable (Inevitable in my mind. The miles between Virginia and California would not help, especially with communication restricted to letters). From my recollection I expressed a lot of this clearly. She cried. I felt really bad. She asked me what she had done wrong. I honestly answered that she had done nothing wrong.

Long story shorter, it probably worked out for the best. We both had an enjoyable two years. When we reconnected after my mission, we had both grown and progressed in our lives in different ways, and we get lunch from time to time whenever we’re both in Virginia. As I said, I consider her a good friend and we cheer each other on in our successes and whatnot. Nowhere near as close as we once were, but two years will do that to a pair of people.

Fourth Break-up: This one was nuts, because I didn’t really know it had happened, and then it hadn’t happened, and then it was mostly clear that it had happened. Essentially, there was a lack of communication. While it might not be true, I felt like the relationship was sort of one-sided, like I was the origin of almost all of the calls and stuff. She did surprise me with cookies once or twice, and I appreciated it. She baked delicious cookies. Sort of lemony. Really pleasant. I always meant to get that recipe. And then it just fizzled out. Miscommunication, assumptions, and things that were just lost in translation. Unfortunate because I really liked her, also unfortunate because I felt like I was in limbo for a long time, not really knowing w hat was going on or what could be done for clarification.

Suggestion: Most people need a Break-up. Not a disappearance. Not to ignore it. The thing about break-ups is that even though they blow, they do provide some sense of closure [if done correctly, without the open ended, “Well, I just don’t feel the same way NOW” (which means, I will never feel the same way, but I don’t want to let you out of my dastardly clutches in case no one better turns up].

Hopefully you can see some common threads in these (Aside from the thread of “Matt really thinks that he’s always in the right at the end of a relationship”). Communication is key. Clear communication is key. Consistent clear communication is key. Alliteration is fun.

To the one being broken (because invariably something has to be broken in the process of breaking-up): Life will carry on. You can’t really protect yourself from this. It will happen. Over and over again. Unless you’re one of those weird folks that marry the first person you date. WEIRDIES! Not that I hold it against you. You played and you played well. But for the rest of us, the game is not quite that forgiving. People will always tell you to move on. I’ll say it, too, but with an addition. Move on, but move on at your own pace. Don’t dawdle or anything, don’t wallow. Grieve, because if you’re hurting, it’s because you really cared and those sorts of feelings don’t just disappear overnight. Eat ice cream. Bake cookies with your roommates. Talk about it with a close friend (and when I say talk about, I do not encourage or condone the ripping apart of the man or woman that destroyed your fragile heart).

Coming from a guy that talks about almost nothing with almost no one (emotional discussions have the tendency of giving me the heeby-jeebies, but don’t let that scare you off. I’m actually a good boyfriend. You could ask Emily, and I think it would be a positive answer. We had some good times), that’s sort of a big deal. Listen. As soon as you feel even remotely comfortable, flirt, go on group dates with friends and roommates. Hang out with the mens or the womens. You don’t need to act like nothing bad ever happened, but you also don’t want to act like it’s the end of the world. The world will continue, and you will continue with it. And when you are with that completely complementary guy or gal and you both have rings on your left hands, then I think (if not before) you’ll realize that those periods of pain, those downturns, were precisely what you needed in your life.

Side Note: I do not believe in double-dipping in most circumstances. Once you’re done, be done. In rare cases both people have changed and actually fit together better, but those cases are rare. I mean, if some of the girl(s) I have dated asked me to kiss them on the face, I probably would think about it at least. But I would also think, “Matt, you double-dipper. You’ve sampled this dip. Move on to another.” But hey, sometimes you just need to go back to make sure you really didn’t like the French onion as much as the 

Seven-layer. No judgment here.

Stay tuned all week for more Dating Discussions.

Also, I am still accepting suggestions for topics to discuss, so feel free to share your ideas with me. I will definitely take them into consideration.

It's Officially Over

In my lifetime I have witnessed (generally through documentaries) a great deal of injustice in the world. Slavery, human trafficking, drug addiction, the Maximals being constantly outnumbered and outgunned by the Predacons, Dora receiving no response (presumably because she is latina. Racist viewers), and Women's Suffrage to name a few. Today I have discovered the greatest injustice ever done to me.

Subway, a company that I support and love, has completely shafted me. On campus after visiting a friend at work and attempting to print things [except my printing account is not properly connected to my new ID card yet (not the injustice)] I stopped by Subway to get lunch. It was about 10 AM, so I knew Subway to be open. Then the hammer began to fall.

First off, the $5 footlong of the month is Egg and Cheese and Spinach, which is just the normal breakfast $5 Footlong if you ask them to put spinach on it, except it's served all day. No one goes hooray for microwaved egg patties available all day. Then I scanned the rest of the menu even though I already knew what I would be getting. Spicy Italian Footlong, Flatbread, pepperjack cheese, spinach, tomato, olives, green peppers, banana peppers, jalapeno (optional, the tilde is also optional when typing) peppers, mayonnaise, and honey mustard. It's what I get every time.

I was shocked to see that the straight-up regular chicken had moved to the $6.75 selection of footlongs. Shoot, my first year at BYU that was on the $5 menu. I thought, "Well that's lame. I'm pretty sure wages here are stable and the price of chicken has not drastically increased. Money grubbers." I then looked at the $5 menu. I looked again. And again. And again. My Spicy Italian was not on there. Black Forest Ham, BLT, Cold Cut Combo, all there, but no Spicy Italian. Then, with trepidation, I looked at the $5.50 menu. There, sitting right next to the Seafood Sensation (which I'm always curious about, yet too terrified to try) is my Spicy Italian.

But I couldn't leave. The girl working had already said, "I'll help you when you're ready," and I, like a fool, had said, "Okay." I had accepted help before I realized I didn't want it, because what I wanted had increased in price by 60 cents (that figure includes tax). I am ashamed to say that I paid those 60 cents. I'm also ashamed to say that I still found the sandwich delicious after I was robbed by my favorite corporation represented within the Cougareat.

What is the world coming to? When a man walks into a Subway with exactly $5.34 to buy a delicious Spicy Italian, he deserves for that company to be there for him. If there had been a line there to witness my outraged I would have made a scene, but it was just the employee and I. I'm sure the employee was equally outraged. Recognizing this I did wish her a pleasant day. But seriously, was the price increase necessary? No.

I'll tell you what happened at the corporate offices. All the fatcats with their fancy bowler hats and monocles sat around the mahogany table smoking their ivory pipes and Cuban cigars.

One of them said, "Man, people are buying too many things off of our $5 menu and not buying more expensive sandwiches. How can we ruin all their cost-effective fun?"

Another chimed in, "Well, it looks like the Spicy Italian is popular. Matthew Fife buys one every time he goes to Subway, except during Anytober and Februany (Both of which we'll probably have to take away in order to make sure he never has joy in life). I bet if we bumped its price while the cost of production remains the same, we'll make more money because people will continue to buy it, thinking that 50 cents isn't much of a difference. Fools. Didn't they notice what we did to the chicken breast sandwich? It'll be the same with the Spicy Italian."

A third portly gentleman said, "Eventually we should just leave the BLT on the $5 menu. $5 for like two slices of bacon and then relatively costless vegetables? That's insane! That's the most expensive bacon ever! I love making money!"

They then retired to the swimming pool full of gold dubloons and priceless gems and their hot tub filled with champagne.

Well it's over. I will only support Subway during the months of Anytober and Februany, as long as those months continue to exist (so never again, probably). I'm enraged. Where am I supposed to go now? After consistent boycotts, I don't have very many choices. Scoreboard Grill got booted off the list when it was gross (so it's always been off the list). Teriyaki Stix lost its spot when it continued to be Teriyaki Stix (instead of something delicious). L&T barely remains on the list. Taco Bell is the only thing consistently on the list, but if the really loud, annoying, slow guy is ever working cashier, I'll take my business elsewhere (meaning nowhere, because there is nowhere else). I've never purchased anything from Freschetta or whatever the pizza place is because the pricing is bogus (Why should I spend more than $5 for a tiny pizza when I can spend $5 at Little Caesar's and get an entire large pizza?). I don't think anything else is in the Cougareat (except the Snag and Grab or whatever it's called).

I loved Subway, and my heart breaks for our terminated relationship. Break-ups are difficult (Want more insight into break-ups the Matt Fife way? Stay tuned for Dating Week!). Looks like I'll have to remember to pack my meals this semester. I shed a single crystalline tear at my loss.

And for the record, never once did any of my sandwiches look like this.

Get Excited

I'm starting to get excited. I have recently begun gathering data for Dating Week 2.0 . By gathering data, I mean I've thought about it. Like, more than in passing. Sudoku level thinking. Granted, I am not the greatest Sudoku-er. Now you're excited, too. You're probably asking yourself, "But when is Dating Week 2.0 going to hit an Internet near me?", and I can answer that question. When is the critical time for dating? If you're KamNasty, it was approximately a year and a half ago. But for the rest of us, it's the first week of classes here at the BYU. New classes, new wards, new pools of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes just waiting to be mined. Or yoursed. So I have decided to optimize your dating prowess and give you helpful hints, sage advice, and the opportunity to learn from a master theorist.

But wait, that's not all!!!

I'm also accepting suggestions for topics from the general public! That means that I could potentially discuss something that's on your mind. What if I receive so many suggestions that I just can't write about all of them in a week? Well, I'll answer your question with another question. What's better than Dating Week 2.0? Dating Week 3.0. That's right, I'm willing to extend Dating Week by another week (If I receive enough suggestions, ideas, or dates). That's two weeks for the price of one, which also happens to be the price of none.

So mark your calendars. August 27th is the first day of Dating week (running through the 2nd of September with a possible extension to the 9th) That's more advice than you can shake a stick at. You would get tired of shaking around post ten.

If you have a suggestion, tell it to me. You could comment, text, call, or tell me in person. I'm flexible like that. I will ignore suggestions that sound like a juvenile came up with them (For example: "You should write about why boys are so immature.") But remember, this is a momentous occasion. I normally ignore most things that people say to me by way of suggestion. Get in on this while you can.

In the meantime, I will be communing with nature and pondering deeply upon the subject as I climb the mightiest peak in Utah this weekend. I might ponder other things, and if I manage to ponder something worth mentioning, you had better believe that I'll mention it.

Now for your postly excitement.

Sincerely,
The Very Fife

P.S. I hope someone laughed at the second sentence of this post. Or at least thought, "That is mildly humorous."