Fri-END-zone?

In the world exists a man known as Dr. John Mordecai Gottman. I believe that based only on his middle name I would trust his word on relationships. However, in addition to the middle name, I have also read his work. My mom sent me the first two chapters of one of his books in a very piratical and copyright infringing way, and I also looked up what I could on the Interwebz in order to round out my understanding of his thoughts and conclusions. Apparently he is sort of known as the nation’s top marriage expert by some. I found his research and conclusions interesting, so we will jump right in off the springboard of his central theme.

What makes a good marriage (and by extension, relationship)? Communication? Trust? Passion? Romance? Time? Compatibility? Lack of weirdiness? Lack of arguments? Well, none of them by themselves. According to the good doctor, the core of every good marriage is friendship.

Let’s look at that further. In a friendship you are positive about each other. That seems like a good starting place for any relationship. When we focus on the positive aspects of anyone, we tend to have a healthier relationship with that person. When we focus on the positive feelings, the good times, the admirable qualities, we grow closer to that person. We are focusing on their maximum potential, which will not only raise our opinions of that person, but will also make us want to work together with them to achieve that potential in them and us. When everyone puts their best foot forward, eventually the best foot becomes the normal foot and they can move forward by putting their now-improved best foot forward. Sort of like walking.

Secondly you know the person. Their hopes, dreams, goals, what makes them tick, the touchy subjects, how to push their buttons and how to diffuse tense situations. You know what they like, what they don’t like. You know if they want blueberries in their pancakes or if they prefer flax seed. I feel like this one should be obvious. Maybe it’s just me, but the greatest number of social missteps I take are in large groups where I don’t know or know in passing the a lot of the people. When you know someone really well and you make a mistake, you can smooth it out, and they’ll let you smooth it out because they know you. You can anticipate reactions, know the best way to surprise, know how to make a day better, and basically just mutually support each other. And the whole trust thing. You trust people you know. You don’t trust strangers. Unless they have candy or are handing out free cookies and asking you to sign things without explanations.

Thirdly, you interact with your friends. You talk about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. You talk 

about your day and are genuinely interested when they talk about theirs. You talk about successes, failures, ups and downs. You spend time together in which you enjoy each other’s company. Doesn’t this sound like an effective way to strengthen any relationship? Surprise! It is. Think of your best friend. When was the last time you made a grand gesture of friendship to them? Wait, never? You mean you love and care for them based solely on your normal interactions with each other? Fascinating. (In romantic situations, grand gestures can be pleasant, but should reinforce, not replace daily interaction)

So what I’m gathering from this is that the tired cliché, “I married my best friend,” should always be true, and should continue to be true throughout the relationship (leading up to, during, and forever).

Ladies, Gentlemen, what I am about to say could rock your world. Prepare for a PARADIGM SHIFT!!!

Men, the “Friend-zone” is exactly where you want to be. Your gasps are audible to me. In fact, I suggest you invest in as many Friend-zones as possible.

Ladies, if you find yourself habitually single, might I suggest looking at your circle of close friends. Stop it…I swear I just heard one of you think, “But I don’t want to ruin our friendship” or “But I’ve known him forever, that’d be weird.” Might I draw your attention to the lameness of those responses?

The first one, ruining friendship. I’m friends with all but one of my ex-girlfriends. Maybe not as close as we were, but friends nonetheless. $5 says that getting married to someone else would have the same effect. So your potential jeopardizing of your stringless closeness is actually an inevitability. Chances are good that your friendship will evolve and change regardless. In fact, if you and your friend are a good fit for each other, wouldn’t eternal marriage sort of strengthen that friendship? Just a thought.

The second one, known for too long. Bogus. Until you live with someone, you cannot know too much about them. I will swear on that. Once you live with someone, you will forever after know too much about them. But wouldn’t the fact that you’ve known them, that you’re close to them, that you are mutually supportive and authentically caring about each other translate into a solidly founded romantic relationship? Take from this what you will.

Gentlemen, I want you in friend-zones for a several reasons:

      A)     Can you think of a better way to learn and apply solid girl-interaction skills than with real, live girls? Especially ones that will take your social flaws in stride, laugh, and say, “Oh Matt, you doofus.” Change the name to suit your pleasure.

      B)      So she’s not romantically interested in you right now, big deal. You’re a man. Would you rather complain about it or give her the opportunity to get to know the real you and realize that she wants your body like a starving hyena wants a scrap of wildebeest flesh?

      C)      The more close female friends you have, the more likely it is that the hyena situation will result. It will not happen with all of them, but relationships grow and evolve (just like hyenas). Maybe the young hyena doesn’t know how to scavenge from the lion’s kill, but as the hyena grows, she will know exactly how tasty wildebeest is and will desire it with an almost unholy craving (At least that’s what I gathered from Disney’s The Lion King).

      D)     Close female friends give you advice on relationships (if you seek it out). They are your in into the female psyche. The World of Women. The Holy Grail of any man seeking feminine knowledge. Not all of this advice is verbal, though. Watch how they react in your conversations. Learn that not all women appreciate a good Fart Joke like you do. Although if she does, snatch her up.

Now, I’m not saying that you should force a romantic relationship out of nothing. I’m telling you to be open to the possibility. I am saying that the basis for any good relationship is a solid and strong friendship.

I know people that say that they don’t date women from their ward [or classes, or work, or Home Evening Group, or that they home teach (While I understand this one, and will not fault you for adhering to it, my Stake President back home got married to the girl he home taught, and they are happy as can be)]. To those that say that, where are you finding your women? Random dames on the street? Do you engage in serious relationships with strangers? Those of you that successfully date random women, would you at least concede that before becoming serious you form a friendship with the lady? Exactly.

So gents, keep your eyes peeled, your complaining to a minimum, and your manliness high on the scale. Treasure up feminine knowledge like water from a well in the midst of the desert.

Ladies, take a closer look. You might be surprised by what you find. Maybe that friend who is thoughtful and sweet and there for you and caring and supportive and your personal cheerleader and comforting could be a valid option for relationship cultivation. Or you could date that really ripped guy with the tight polo shirt or v-neck and the flat-brimmed Vivint baseball cap who sells unnecessary alarm systems to unwary old ladies during the year and pest control during the summer (I would recommend this at least once so that you know you’re not missing something).

Fri-end?-zone. More like Launch Pad.