Isn't it about Time?

I have been having some issues with today’s entry. By last Saturday, I had the entire week planned out, a healthy balance of my own thoughts and others’ suggestions. It was perfect. But then, as so often happens in my life, I talked to Kameron, re-evaluated, and Thursday’s topic merged with Tuesday’s. We also came up with an awesome topic to fill the Thursday void, but as so often happens in my life, I forgot to write it down, and neither one of us remembers it.

I could have just come up with something, but this morning I was feeling slightly snippy (having my food stolen at Taco Bell did not help. They need a different system, and I have several suggestions if they want to hear them), so I did not trust myself to write something pleasant. Then, at the exact right moment (as so often happens in my life) I talked with my mother, and she presented some ideas that had all the markers of a brilliant post. She’ll be sending me some reading material, so that post is not today. But it did create a way to fill the void, and now, because of things happening at proper moments in time, I can shift the week a bit and give you something non-snippish.

I bet you didn’t realize that I was subtly crafting an intro about timing. Because that’s what I’m talking about today. When is it right? Is it ever too late? How do you know? Hopefully I will be able to hit on some topics that will relate to suggestions by two friends (one who asked on behalf of a friend).

We’re going in reverse pyramid. We’ll start out with a more general look at time, and then move into more specifics.

Is it ever too late for you? Gentlemen, I’m sure you’ve all heard the apocryphal quote attributed to Brigham Young that states that “if you are past the age of (insert age between 21 and 27) and unmarried, you are a menace to society.” I did some investigation. Apparently it’s impossible to attach that quote in any way, shape, or form to Brother Brigham. However, what I did find was a very interesting quote (probably the source for the corrupted quote that we attribute to President Young) by George Q. Cannon taken from a General Conference address he gave in April of 1878.

"Our boys, when they arrive at years of maturity and can take earn of a wife, should get married, and there should not be a lot of young men growing up in our midst who ought to be, but are not married. While I do not make the remark to apply to individual cases, I am firmly of the opinion that a large number of unmarried men, over the age of twenty-four years, is a dangerous element in any community, and an element upon which society should look with a jealous eye. For every man knowing himself, knows how his fellow-man is constituted; and if men do not marry, they are too apt to do something worse. Then, brethren, encourage our young men to marry, and see that they are furnished employment, so that they can marry."

I actually really like that quote. Especially because he’s talking about idleness in a society. He’s not saying, “Now you men, you’ve been trying your best for years, but now you’ve reached a certain age, so you are now considered a menace to society for not being successful in your dating pursuits.” That’s just silly. Now gents, I do want you to know that I fully endorse what has been echoed in several of the past General Conferences. If you’re not trying, you’re failing. Whether or not you are successful in your dating life is entirely outside of the point. You do need to have a dating life (or try to have one), and be preparing yourselves for eventual success.  So really the question ceases to be “Is it too late?” and becomes “Am I doing what I can?” instead. However, if you have graduated, are employed at Starbucks, and are living in your parent’s basement, well, congratulations, you really are a menace to society.

Ladies, I’m pretty sure it’s never too late for you. Apparently you’re not really responsible for your marital status because the responsibility of active dating rests entirely upon the shoulders of the men. I guess it’s also possible that you have to make yourselves available for dating. I mean, I do know of people who complain about their love lives yet spend all of their time with friends (hanging with the girlfriends, bromances, married friends, etc.) that in no way advance their goal of ever being married. If girls don’t accept dates, or derail or postpone serious relationships (clearly for reasons other than no romantic and emotional connection) then they have no right to complain.

I have an idea. The next time a guy calls you up (which in a previous Dating Week I said was extremely difficult for me at least, and I assume other gentlemen suffer from the same struggle), instead of saying, “Sorry, I have plans with my other friends who are single and female and we’re planning on (sitting around in our pajamas talking about boys/eating dinner while discussing our lack of relationships/going skeet shooting/having a Spa night with Matt),” you could instead say, “I’d love to. I was planning on hanging out with Stacy, though. Wouldn’t it be fun if you found another single guy and we could make this a group date, thus allowing for all of us to take steps towards becoming unsingle-ized!” If you use this script (feel free to change Stacy’s name to fit the situation) you win extra points. You could even suggest possible friends of the gentleman caller that you think would be perfect for Stacy. I see no problem with this.

I know, I know. “Matt, that sounds like work!” you say accusatorily. “That’s because that is the spine of all relationships,” I reply. Believe me. I know about work. If I have a date idea planned in advance, I make on average 5-7 calls to find one girl that will say yes. Is it worth it? I’ll tell you when I’m married.

Excellent, now we have that out of the way.

Let’s get a bit more specific in our timing discussion. Let’s say you are doing all you can. You go on dates. You’re available. You’re looking. You think that you could have a nice relationship with this one person. How do you know if it’s time to be in a relationship?

Counter-question time!

Are you a freshman? If no, move on. If yes, you are probably not ready for a serious relationship. Please date other freshmen to get to know you better. Once accomplished (Meaning, once you have some real-ish life experience) you will no longer be a freshman and you are free to do as you please.

Is the other person a freshman? If no, congratulations. You can move on. If yes, why? I firmly believe that freshmen at BYU need to date other freshmen. Why? It’s relatively pressure-less, but you learn a lot about yourself in the dating arena. Those freshmen guys, most of them won’t be here next year (If you are not a freshman woman and you are dating a freshman guy, you should also seriously analyze your life). The freshmen girls, they’re barely old enough to vote. For all the freshmen, this is probably the first considerable amount of time they have spent living on their own. They are caught up in the turmoil of college, and by the time they have finally figured it out, they have graduated. Freshmen date freshmen. That is all.

Is he or she on a mission (or will he or she be leaving on a mission imminently)? If no, proceed. If yes, you might ask, “Why does this matter?” First off, how did you manage to start a relationship with a missionary? Secondly, I’ll tell you. I am almost 100% opposed to the idea of “waiting for a missionary.” I think there is a higher success rate for guys waiting for girls, but that’s not the point. Out of 1000 girls waiting for missionaries, 9500 of them will not. Seeing as how there is really no good way to break the news to a missionary, about half of them will simply stop writing for a while, and then explode the news, crushing one solid week of missionary work (If he went on a mission because of you, you can actually increase the likelihood of destroying the rest of his mission as he loses all motivation!). So 500 successfully made it two years. Sadly, 400 of you will find out that neither of you is the same, and you don’t really work together as a couple anymore. What do you have to show for your two years? A slightly distracted mission and one failed long-distance relationship. Could be worse. Out of the remaining 100, 50 of you will be blindsided when the missionary realizes that (worse than both of you changing) you haven’t changed at all. Think of all those growth opportunities you passed up to “wait.” The other 50, you somehow managed to use the experience to help you become a better person. Congrats to the .5%. (Disclaimer, the previous statistics were entirely fabricated, but the results are real. Distribution of results is what has been falsified)

Do you want a relationship? If no, then I hope your response is obvious. If yes, then proceed.

A wise man once told a girl in need of relationship advice, “There are only two outcomes for any relationship. If you stop moving forward, then it will invariably be derailed.” I don’t actually know what it means to be “Ready for a relationship.” All of my relationships just sort of happened. You know, start off with a couple of dates, start spending more time together, next thing you know you spend a whole messload of time together and you wouldn’t want it any other way. If you come to a point where you have to think, “Hmm, is this the relationship for me?” please return to the previous question: “Do I want to be in a relationship with (insert name here)?” Maybe more complicated than that. Feel free to diagram pros and cons (but beware, diagrams often tell you what you want them to tell you).

Essentially, it’s never too late, and if it’s happening and you feel comfortable with the happening, it’s never too early (after your freshman year). Don’t think too much about it. I find that people make their own problems most of the time by thinking too much. In time, you will become unsingle-ized. Clearly not everything I've said applies to everyone at all times. Take what you want, leave the rest. Unless you're a freshman. Then I strongly encourage you to pay attention to my freshman-specific advice.