Expectation and Reality

There are some things you should know about me. I am a 23 year old guy from Virginia, going to school here at BYU in Provo, UT. I have not been in a serious relationship for over two years. I have not been on a third date in a year and a half. I've had a second date maybe once in the intervening time. I gather rejections by the gross (which might be a gross exaggeration), even for first dates. My last date was sort of last night, you could say, and before that it was May. I do try, though, so that’s worth something.

Knowing that, it's no surprise to me that some people have been impressed and surprised with the content of some of my posts this week. These posts have exceeded expectations. Better than anticipated.

Expectations are pretty key in relationships. They inform just about everything that happens. When a guy asks you out on a date, your dating experience will largely be based on your expectations. When a girl says yes, it’s the same sort of thing.

Walk with me for a moment. We’re going to use a fictional girl named Sally as an example.

During the week Sally gets asked out by two different boys, one for Friday and one for Saturday. Ted asked her out for Friday. He’s dashing, outgoing, seems like a really fun person. Pete asked her out for Saturday. He’s quiet and a little bookish, and she really only said yes because she knows that a first date isn’t that big of a deal, and she’s open to the possibility of it being all right. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings or anything.

For both dates they go bowling (Because this is a hypothetical situation, and because Sally just loves bowling, I can do this without her complaining about unoriginality). Ted is exactly how he’s always been. He’s outgoing, dashing, fun to be around. They play a couple of games, go out for ice cream, chat, joke around, the usual. He takes her home. She had a fun time.

Pete, on the other hand, it not at all how he has been. He jokes around, is caring, considerate, gentlemanly, even a bit dashing. She finds herself laughing and having a grand old time. They go out for ice cream afterwards and continue chatting. Turns out they have a lot in common. They chat, joke around, sort of unusual compared to her previous experience with Pete. He takes her home. They had a fun time.

Now, when asked by her roommates with which of the two she wants to go on another date, who do you think she will pick? Exact same date. Exact same level of fun. Joking, chatting, commonality all equal. Shoot, they’re even both good looking. In my opinion, she’d probably be more likely to go out again with Pete. He exceeded expectations. Ted was fun, but she knew it would be fun. He was dashing, but he’s always dashing.  He was outgoing, but he’s always outgoing. On the other hand, she was expecting the date with Pete to be sort of a pity date (a practice that I do not endorse), but actually had a really great time. With Ted, the date was ordinary. With Pete, the exact same date was exceptional

If you are dating to get to know people, you want to see sides of them that you haven’t seen. It reminds me of the Coke Zero commercials, where it shows snapshots from the guy’s life. People offer him things or tell him stuff, and he always follows it up with an “And?” which then yields an even better outcome.

I’m not in any way telling you to present a false self on a first date just to switch up the status quo and give the girl [or guy, because guys also re-ask out multi-dimensional girls (All girls start out in the 4-D category, with the fourth dimension being smell and mistiness, according to Disney Theme Parks)] the impression that you’re more than you are. You should always be you, but you should be a diverse, multi-faceted individual. Have you ever wondered why you have to take GE classes? It’s because the workplace wants you to also be a diverse, multi-faceted individual, just like the ladies. Single-mindedness and Single-purposedness can oftentimes lead to Single-ness.

Say you’re on a date. You are majoring in Pre-Med at BYU. You love science and medicine. You live and breathe infectious diseases (hopefully metaphorically, or this date will not end well). Your whole life has revolved around you becoming a doctor. She’s super into literature. The last time you read something not related to medicine was when you Spark Noted the Great Gatsby during your Sophomore year of High School. Oh, that’s her favorite! Quick, say something intelligent about it. You remember something about the color yellow. It was important for some reason. That’s all you got. Pauses grow longer. In a last ditch effort, she asks you about medicine. Relieved, you explode knowledge all over her. For the last thirty minutes of the date the only thing she says is, “Oh, that’s interesting” (which might be code for, ‘I don’t want to talk about this anymore). When you drop her off on her doorstep she says, “Thanks for tonight,” and then goes inside. Not even a side-hug (another practice that I do not endorse. The giving of side-hugs. Not the not giving of side-hugs. If you're going to hug, do it right). When you call her for a second date, she’s going to be busy unless she is the sweetest girl in history, then she’ll subject herself to that one more time, just to make sure that it wasn’t nervousness on your part. It wasn’t. You’ve never read a book.

Humans want to date interesting humans. They also don’t want to be able to sum up all that interesting at first glance. They want you to exceed expectations. Be better than they anticipated.

Expectations can be your best friend (especially if given a chance to show that you are better than anticipated). They can also be your worst enemy (if, heaven forbid, you are worse than anticipated). Your own expectations will work against you more than someone else’s expectations, though.

You start a semester thinking, “This is my semester, I’m going to go on dates all the time.” You ask a girl out, or if you are a girl you accept a date, and you think, “This is awesome. S/He is totally into me. She said yes to a non-intimidating first date experience!” You think, “Man, I’m interesting, all the ladies will want to date me.” You say to yourself, “I write a blog that has a full week devoted to my interesting and unexpected ideas about dating and relationships. This will clearly translate into a changed outlook on dating and will make girls think that I’m deep, witty, caring, and maybe a little bit sexy.” (To clarify, this last one is about a friend)

And then nothing happens. And then you’re frustrated, because it was such a good plan/idea/strategy. Dating is by very nature frustrating, mainly because it almost never meets expectations (for me, at least. Maybe you’re awesome).  People meet expectations, but the grand narrative never plays out like it did in our heads. You think she’s into you, but the date leaves you feeling otherwise. You expect to go on a lot of dates, but then your time gets sucked up into other things and the times you’re available, they aren’t. You think you finally have it figured out, but you don’t. You think the relationship is going awesome, and then you get blindsided by the break-up.

I’m not advocating a pessimistic attitude in order to avoid disappointment. If we have super low expectations, that will color our experience as well. Negativity begets negativity, which begets bad experience. But reality probably won’t live up to our expectations. That’s not a bad thing. Maybe reality isn’t worse, it’s just different. Maybe the different is actually better. Most of the great joys of my life have come from the unexpected reality as opposed to reality meeting my expectations. I don’t think we can really change a lot of what we expect, and we will be disappointed from time to time. But I do think it helps to be aware of it so that in those disappointed moments, maybe we can see that different reality instead of a worse one.

In the meantime, read a book. Learn something new. Become familiar with topics as diverse as coal-mining procedures and the influence of semi-mistranslation and semi-misunderstanding of Stanislavski’s work on American acting technique.

Maybe I don’t go on a lot of dates. Maybe I’m not as interesting as I assume I am (hard to believe, but possible). Maybe I don’t have mountains of experience. But all those dates I don’t go on, all that interesting that I am not, all that experience I don’t have, it just creates a different reality. It doesn’t change the fact that to someone, somewhere, at some time, I will be better than anticipated. I exceed expectations.

For the record I actually can be deep, witty, caring, and a little bit sexy. I mean, my friend can be.