All Things Fall Apart

Breaking up. It’s something that we all do. In fact, it’s something that you will do for every relationship but one (ideally). Maybe it does not bode well that I am starting Dating Week with a discussion of the nearly inevitable end to dating, but aren’t endings just beginnings in disguise?

I understand that people don’t often want to talk about it. In fact, directly after a break-up, that is precisely the response given in most teen dramas. “I don’t want to talk about it.” But I’m a Good Mythical Mornings watcher, so my response is always, “Let’s talk about that.”

I have experience four relatively impressive break-ups in my life. The last one even lasted like three months, and I still don’t have a clear idea about what happened. Actually, I do, but I like to say that to avoid talking about it. We’re not doing that today.

Let’s dissect some of them.

First real break-up (and I use the term loosely here, because real might not apply to the relationship either): This occurred directly before my junior year of high school. Some people say that you shouldn’t date seriously in high school. In retrospect, I probably agree with them. This relationship never really took off. It ended in a phone call that came at about 11 o’clock at night. She wanted to focus on school. She wanted to take a break. Once she had a handle on things she was sure we could get back to the way things were.

I call bull on that. Did she focus on school? Hard to say, but studies indicate the probability is low. Was it a break? Yes, a complete and solid one. Did we ever get back together? Nope! Was I bothered by this? Yes, and I’ll tell you why. Do you remember back in the day when someone told you for the first time that “Honesty is the best policy”? Surprise! It applies to relationships. Go figure. As far as I have been able to gather, every guy knows when am girl is blowing smoke up his skirt, presumably to “not hurt his feelings.” Here is some new: if someone is serious about you, their feelings will be hurt by you no longer liking them or you not being able to see a future for the two of you. Attempting to soften the blow is insulting.

Suggestion: Say what you mean, because anything else can be misleading and possibly slow the healing process, in turn causing more hurt than the truth ever could.

Second Break-up: Okay, I lied. We’re not talking about this one. I’m a still a little bothered by how it went down. I believe there was honesty for the most part, but I also believe there were solutions that could have been implemented (apparently the choice to date me precluded having friends, which was news to me after eight months). Leads me to believe that while honesty was employed, clarity and total honesty was not.

Suggestion: Be clear, be thorough, and don’t hold truth back (well, relevant truth. I’m not going to bring up my third grade experiences during a break-up).

Third Break-up: This was the only break-up that I take full responsibility for (the only one I initiated, carried out, and completed). I personally feel like I did it correctly. If Emily reads this post and feels differently, I invite her to repudiate my statements. We can only learn if someone corrects us, and I still thoroughly respect her opinion and consider her a good friend. Backstory: I was going on my mission within several months. I had felt some distance growing especially as my mind was elsewhere with preparations for the impending mission and other issues that weighed heavily on my mind. To be honest, any problems were completely my fault. I stopped investing as much of myself in the relationship as she continued to, and I felt it was unfair to draw out the inevitable (Inevitable in my mind. The miles between Virginia and California would not help, especially with communication restricted to letters). From my recollection I expressed a lot of this clearly. She cried. I felt really bad. She asked me what she had done wrong. I honestly answered that she had done nothing wrong.

Long story shorter, it probably worked out for the best. We both had an enjoyable two years. When we reconnected after my mission, we had both grown and progressed in our lives in different ways, and we get lunch from time to time whenever we’re both in Virginia. As I said, I consider her a good friend and we cheer each other on in our successes and whatnot. Nowhere near as close as we once were, but two years will do that to a pair of people.

Fourth Break-up: This one was nuts, because I didn’t really know it had happened, and then it hadn’t happened, and then it was mostly clear that it had happened. Essentially, there was a lack of communication. While it might not be true, I felt like the relationship was sort of one-sided, like I was the origin of almost all of the calls and stuff. She did surprise me with cookies once or twice, and I appreciated it. She baked delicious cookies. Sort of lemony. Really pleasant. I always meant to get that recipe. And then it just fizzled out. Miscommunication, assumptions, and things that were just lost in translation. Unfortunate because I really liked her, also unfortunate because I felt like I was in limbo for a long time, not really knowing w hat was going on or what could be done for clarification.

Suggestion: Most people need a Break-up. Not a disappearance. Not to ignore it. The thing about break-ups is that even though they blow, they do provide some sense of closure [if done correctly, without the open ended, “Well, I just don’t feel the same way NOW” (which means, I will never feel the same way, but I don’t want to let you out of my dastardly clutches in case no one better turns up].

Hopefully you can see some common threads in these (Aside from the thread of “Matt really thinks that he’s always in the right at the end of a relationship”). Communication is key. Clear communication is key. Consistent clear communication is key. Alliteration is fun.

To the one being broken (because invariably something has to be broken in the process of breaking-up): Life will carry on. You can’t really protect yourself from this. It will happen. Over and over again. Unless you’re one of those weird folks that marry the first person you date. WEIRDIES! Not that I hold it against you. You played and you played well. But for the rest of us, the game is not quite that forgiving. People will always tell you to move on. I’ll say it, too, but with an addition. Move on, but move on at your own pace. Don’t dawdle or anything, don’t wallow. Grieve, because if you’re hurting, it’s because you really cared and those sorts of feelings don’t just disappear overnight. Eat ice cream. Bake cookies with your roommates. Talk about it with a close friend (and when I say talk about, I do not encourage or condone the ripping apart of the man or woman that destroyed your fragile heart).

Coming from a guy that talks about almost nothing with almost no one (emotional discussions have the tendency of giving me the heeby-jeebies, but don’t let that scare you off. I’m actually a good boyfriend. You could ask Emily, and I think it would be a positive answer. We had some good times), that’s sort of a big deal. Listen. As soon as you feel even remotely comfortable, flirt, go on group dates with friends and roommates. Hang out with the mens or the womens. You don’t need to act like nothing bad ever happened, but you also don’t want to act like it’s the end of the world. The world will continue, and you will continue with it. And when you are with that completely complementary guy or gal and you both have rings on your left hands, then I think (if not before) you’ll realize that those periods of pain, those downturns, were precisely what you needed in your life.

Side Note: I do not believe in double-dipping in most circumstances. Once you’re done, be done. In rare cases both people have changed and actually fit together better, but those cases are rare. I mean, if some of the girl(s) I have dated asked me to kiss them on the face, I probably would think about it at least. But I would also think, “Matt, you double-dipper. You’ve sampled this dip. Move on to another.” But hey, sometimes you just need to go back to make sure you really didn’t like the French onion as much as the 

Seven-layer. No judgment here.

Stay tuned all week for more Dating Discussions.

Also, I am still accepting suggestions for topics to discuss, so feel free to share your ideas with me. I will definitely take them into consideration.