Future Decided

I have finally decided what I want to be when I grow up. "Grow up?" you might ask. "Aren't you already just about 23?"

Well, yes. But age is more a state of mind than anything. Now that that's out of the way, I can proceed to the meat. I have decided to become (after I find Sasquatch, of course) a Dragon/Treasure Hunter. And the "/" is an and/or. Obviously if I find a dragon and hunt it, the marvelous creature will probably lead me to its horde of treasure. Will I feel bad about killing so magnificent a creature? Who said anything about killing? I plan on extorting wealth from the dragons. Clearly they don't want to be found by humans, or they would hang out where humans can see them. If I threaten to expose them (and manage to not get killed) imagine the wealth they would offer me in order to bribe me into silence.

Naturally I would prefer a diversified portfolio: some gems, gold, ancient weapons and armor with magical properties, and a heaping helping of wisdom and dragon lore. Probably heavy on the gold. And gems. Would I probably be target for reprisals from the dragons? Yes, but that's why I'd get the magical weapons and armor. Sure, it may look like they didn't help out the last guy to wear them, but he didn't have technology on his side. By blending magic with technology, I'd be unstoppable. And it would only give me greater advantage in treasure hunting.

Yeah, I have given this a lot of thought.

To Express My Feelings

Oh mightiest Nog

Taste, texture, nothing compares.

Nectar of the Gods.

Feats of Greatness

I am certain that everyone has the potential to do something great with their lives. Some will swing dance at an above average level, others will read two grade levels above average, while still others will discover a small Sasquatch community in the Pacific Northwest and integrate themselves into the aforementioned society, learning much in a short period of time.

Since I have not had the opportunity to accomplish the latter (yet), I have found my greatness in other events. You've probably heard the rumors, and I am here to confirm these rumors, thus taking them out of the realm of rumor and installing them in the neighborhood of common knowledge. Yes, I did in fact eat 7 pieces of Kneader's freedom toast, and yes, I did take a stand against my own physical limits, and yes, I won.

How do I do it? It's a result of my very essence, the core of phenomenality that insinuates itself into every aspect of my lovely life. When someone challenges me to an eating contest, concern for my own well-being goes and defenestrates itself.

I dedicate this win, and the resulting desire to eat nothing for a long time, to the very namesake of the toast, Freedom. Some people fight against slavery in their own ways, and I fight it in mine. I would gladly bring slavery back into practice just so that I could eat it into submission. There may be people starving in Africa, or Uz-beki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan, so I will gorge myself as often as I can so that they don't have to feel bad because we're wasting food.

But so help me, if Sasquatch and I stand together to feast in the name of the downtrodden, I can guarantee that you will see feats of greatness heretofore unknown in the history of mankind.

Dance parties are certainly not my thing.

First off, there is a lot of jumping. Do I want to be able to use my knees in the future? Of course. So then why are we playing Sandstorm twice in one dance. I can only jump but for so long before my dinner starts jumping with me.

Secondly, being in Provo, there is nowhere near enough hip-hop for my taste. Y'all can techno out as much as you want, but as for me, I would like to get my swagger on. No further explanation needed.

Third, you end up in a circle, and nothing against circles of people dancing together, but eventually, you've just danced as much as the circle can take (and in my case, I use "dance" in the loosest of terms). My arms can only move in so many ways before I have to start repeating, and then there is simply no interest in my "dance" abilities.

Fourth, dances are loud. Why can't we have a poetry reading, or a nice tea party, or combine the two into a poetry tea party. I have no science to back this up, but I don't think the human brain should be exposed to those decibel levels for that amount of time. You're just asking for an eardrum tumor.

Fifth, I get sweaty. I'm not opposed to an acceptable level of sweatiness in certain activities, such as sports or acting, but when I am trying to intrigue the ladies, I find that man sweat is not the most pleasant or effective smell to be wearing. Unless the ladies are simply drawn to the most primitive hunter-gatherer within me (which I have not found to be true. And I have baked a lot of baked goods in my life to try and win over the ladies [provider status] with little to no effect, heavy on the no).

Sixth, there is the inevitable formation of the universal dance circle, wherein people show off their "moves." Unfortunately, though my moves are borderline epic, they also fail to intrigue the ladies. And then the circle dies, and it's generally probably my fault.

There is a positive side, however, to dance parties (in Provo). Treats.

All in all, large groups, not my style. Instead of oodles of fun, most of the time they just show me how many people I don't know. Or how many people don't know me.

Sasquatch probably doesn't dance too much, but if s/he does, I bet it's for his/her own personal enjoyment and/or cardiovascular health. Like Sasquatch, I dance mostly on the inside, or alone. Some days it's just better that way.

As I was studying the research done on my good friend, the Sasquatch (or the Skookum), I realized how much is still unknown about the friendly giant. Throughout my life I have shied away from giving credence to the legends and eye-witness accounts of the majestic creature, but no more. I have come to the realization that while we have little physical evidence of his/her existence, we have zero physical evidence that the mighty Bigfoot does not exist.

For all we know somewhere in the depths of the Northwestern wilderness of North America lies a pleasant Sasquatchian village wherein dwell the peaceful forest guardians. Are there many or one? Are they formed into tribes, or do they travel as solitary hunters and gatherers? I have heard that the Pacific Northwest can sustain the life of so large a primate (if Sasquatch is, indeed, a primate), but how can there be moose and bears in the same locale? Some say the Patterson footage is faked, but everyone that has spoken out against it, especially those (and there are many) that say they are wearing a costume, have failed to present convincing evidence to support their positions, and almost all of them have been proven to have lied about their involvement.

So I ask you, would it be so terrible for the wondrous Sasquatch to actually exist? I think not. There is so little wonder in the world. Science has explained many things that we once thought to be magic. I think that the world is better with Sasquatch in it. I think that we, as human beings, need him/her to be real. I will make it my personal quest to find as much physical evidence as I can to prove to the world that there are countless things that we neither understand, nor need understood. Questions and wonderment are beautiful.

My name is Matt, and I hunt the mighty Sasquatches of life, wherever they may be hiding.