Feats of Greatness

I am certain that everyone has the potential to do something great with their lives. Some will swing dance at an above average level, others will read two grade levels above average, while still others will discover a small Sasquatch community in the Pacific Northwest and integrate themselves into the aforementioned society, learning much in a short period of time.

Since I have not had the opportunity to accomplish the latter (yet), I have found my greatness in other events. You've probably heard the rumors, and I am here to confirm these rumors, thus taking them out of the realm of rumor and installing them in the neighborhood of common knowledge. Yes, I did in fact eat 7 pieces of Kneader's freedom toast, and yes, I did take a stand against my own physical limits, and yes, I won.

How do I do it? It's a result of my very essence, the core of phenomenality that insinuates itself into every aspect of my lovely life. When someone challenges me to an eating contest, concern for my own well-being goes and defenestrates itself.

I dedicate this win, and the resulting desire to eat nothing for a long time, to the very namesake of the toast, Freedom. Some people fight against slavery in their own ways, and I fight it in mine. I would gladly bring slavery back into practice just so that I could eat it into submission. There may be people starving in Africa, or Uz-beki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan, so I will gorge myself as often as I can so that they don't have to feel bad because we're wasting food.

But so help me, if Sasquatch and I stand together to feast in the name of the downtrodden, I can guarantee that you will see feats of greatness heretofore unknown in the history of mankind.