Friendliness

It's been some time since I updated, and with an inexplicable boost in page views over the past three days (like a "someone is reading all of my posts four times" boost) I have decided that maybe it's time to post something new.

Recently in my life it was brought to my attention that at times I am not a very friendly person. Valid. There are quite a few things I prefer to social interactions, and I can oftentimes come across as gruff, disinterested, crotchety, and surly. Or all four. Sometimes I'm just caught at the exact wrong moment (like, say, a production week). Most of the time I'm just prickly. Like a hedgehog. Don't pet a hedgehog backwards. It's a simple concept, but difficult to apply to human interactions.

Back to the actual point. So I can sometimes be less than friendly, less than approachable, and less than huggable. I accept that about me, but I have felt after that exchange that maybe I should try a bit harder to be a bit more pleasant to people. I think I'm doing quite well. Then again, I thought I was doing fine before.

I think we can all be more aware, more careful, and more loving in how we treat other people. Especially me (meaning treat me more lovingly. Joking. But not). We may think that we are jesting, but sometimes it's the tone of our voice, the inflection at the end of our sentence, or the content of our joke that makes it less of a joke and more of a harmful statement. We don't know everyone's past, we don't know everyone's future, and we don't always know the ins and outs of what people are dealing with right now.

There's that one scripture in James that talks about bridling the tongue. We should all lend some more credence to those verses. I should lend more credence to those verses. When we let our tongue run freely, when we never check what we are saying and simply spew forth whatever stumbles into our mouth then we can very easily start fires we cannot put out. Thankfully I was made aware before that happened with my dear friend, but the results could have been disastrous. Apparently that old adage, "Think before you speak," remains true in our modern era.

So if I say something thoughtless, hurtful, harmful, or just plain stupid, let me know. We can all help to lift one another to speak with the tongue of angels.

What's in a Name? Lots.

I believe strongly in the power of names. Chances are it has something to do with reading The Dark is Rising series and the Earthsea Chronicles at a young age.

But let's talk about names for a brief moment. Or rather, let's talk about the danger of avoiding names.

In LDS culture I have noticed a tendency to use code words in order to avoid the names of other things. We say challenges, trials, and struggles instead of saying what they are (Same with sin, but the public expression of how you sinned might be received differently than to say how you are challenged. Certain of the following concepts still apply). On the other end, we say blessings instead of naming how we have actually been blessed. I believe there is great danger in this. While I recognize that most of this is done in person-to-person conversations so that we don't have to necessarily "burden" someone else with our problems, or so that we don't sound like we're bragging about how awesome life is, I think we stand at the very edge of a gulf. It will only be so long until we have alienated ourselves from the problem, and therefore lose power to actually find a solution.

The same goes for blessings. The real danger in simply saying that you have received many blessings is that you alienate yourself from what those blessings are, and over time you'll cease to see how you are blessed. Shortly thereafter you won't recognize your blessings for what they are. There is a hymn entitled "Count Your Blessings" that we are all probably familiar with. And lots of times we give that advice to people. "Dude, just count your blessings if you're feeling low." "Ladies, if you would count your blessings you would see God's hand in your life." But really, the most important part of that hymn is the second half of the first line of the chorus: "Name them one by one." What is better? Saying "I have 12 blessings" or saying "The Lord has blessed me in the following ways: 1)....."?

And I'm not necessarily saying that saying you are blessed or challenged is a bad thing. Some situations call for it. And the last thing I want to do is sit through a testimony meeting where everyone enumerates their blessings (because they feel they should be grateful and focus on the positive) or their challenges (because they want you to know that God gives us our challenges so we can learn. To this train of thought I say, "Well, yes, but sometimes really terrible things just happen, and I would hesitate to say that God caused them all.").

But here's the conclusion. When we overuse the terms trial, challenge, difficulty, struggle, blessing, etc. we run the risk of making those words meaningless. I could be wrong (but I'm not) but I believe in the scriptures that Jesus tells his disciples to bear one another's burdens. So if you are dealing with some stuff, don't worry about burdening others. They've been commanded to help. No matter what, name it to yourself. If you struggle with depression, name it. Name your familial dysfunction, your addiction, your anger, your sorrow, your loss, your career success, your good grade on that test, your mother. Whatever it is, you cannot solve it or truly be grateful for it without seeing it for what it is, without naming it. Because once you know its name you have power over it. Power to share, to seek help and understanding, to feel joy, to empathize.

So yeah, that's what's in a name.

Should You Care About BYUSA?

In short, the answer is probably no. Unless you want to. I won't judge.

A point made clear (now) by the BYUSA and by fellow blog person in this illuminating post, is that they are not a student government (but rather a Student Service Association). What does this mean in as few words as possible? Their power is minimal, their authority is nil. They do hand out free food sometimes, though, so that's something.

So who do you want giving you cookies (as long as you wear a BYU shirt)? Your number of choices has grown. This go around there are three pairs running for the coveted BYUSA President/VP combo. And why shouldn't six people want to pad their resumes with what will inevitably be misinterpreted as serving in some sort of student government? You're just upset that you didn't think of it first. And by first, I mean when you came as a freshman and signed up for their mailing list in order to get a free t-shirt. Maybe you shouldn't have immediately deleted those monthly e-mails.

But they're all about the real issues this go around. Wait, never mind, one of them is still running on the "Vending Machines in the Library" platform. So, like, the security guards will ask me to not bring a Jamba Juice into the library, but they'd be totally cool with buying a chocolate milk inside. In fact, it's completely inappropriate to be eating in about 95% of the library anyway. They also want to improve Wifi across campus. Here's a secret: You could always just contact IT and tell them about a dead spot. Like you can do it right now. If enough students ask, they fix it.

One pair wants to make the BYUSA more effective at pairing you with service opportunities or organizations that you would find interesting. That's cool. Apparently they weren't telling you how to get in touch with the people before. Seems like a simple fix, right? Just give the students the information. But wait, instead of you going in and saying, "Hey, I'm interested in this sort of thing," they'll have you tell them about what your interested in and take a personality test. Yeah, it's the same, but with a personality test. It will also tell you which Lord of the Rings character you're most like.

Surely these candidates are so different that it will be easy to choose one pair that you side with most. Not really. Two sets talk about vending machines, and two talk about the BYUSA being a student involvement center. And surprisingly, I have actually seen all of their initiatives and platforms before. Part of me thinks that they just pull initiatives out of a hat (and with 3 pairs this year, they had to reuse some). No, I get it, they spend a lot of time thinking about these things. Arts cards, pre-game events, vending machines, websites, etc. All are potentially important. If you care.

According to the Universe, "According to current BYUSA President[,] Brandon Beck, 78 percent of the student body did not vote in the last election." What does this mean? Well, it means that 78% of the student body doesn't care about the BYUSA. This could potentially be seen as a massive majority of the student body voting against the BYUSA, but I guarantee that that 78% would feel as apathetic towards eliminating the BYUSA as they are towards electing a new president. To them, all of the candidates are just variations on a theme. And that theme is, "We're so stoked about the BYUSA." And that theme means, "We are happy with the BYUSA as it is."

Can you make it through 4 years without interacting much with the BYUSA? Easily. But then you miss out on cookies and free t-shirts. I have never bought a BYU shirt, and I have like 5. Not a bad deal. So should you care about who gets elected as the BYUSA President/VP? No, because I guarantee the number of cookies, the amount of hot chocolate, and the availability of free t-shirts will remain the same regardless of who gets elected. And if the initiatives you want don't happen, don't worry. They'll be the platforms next year. So during the voting period (March 3-5) feel free to vote or not vote. Your vote probably doesn't actually matter.

An Ideal Relationship

I have spent some significant time pondering this over the past few days, so now I feel it is my duty to present my non-scientific findings to the community.

I think at one point or another, especially at the BYU, many of us have spent some time pondering what would make the perfect relationship. And connected to that is the question of how do we know when we are in a, if not perfect then at least healthy, relationship. The major problem is that oftentimes when you are in a relationship wherein feelings are involved it's just about impossible to objectively evaluate that relationship. Hopefully the following thoughts will at least give us all some tools to use in our interpersonal forward progress.

Let's begin at the beginning. Here are some very key tidbits that serve as a pretty good baseline from my experience.

1) Both parties should be emotionally invested in the relationship. I don't really know if one person can be more or less invested than the other, but I imagine it can happen.
2) Both parties should express their care and affection. Now, we have probably all heard about the different love languages. I'm not sure it matters so much about how your express, but what matters is that you understand how the other expresses affection and how they feel valued and appreciated.
3) Both parties should communicate. Duh. If one or both parties keeps their feelings or thoughts completely closed off from the other, then I can say with some certainty that success is not imminent.

But all of that just sounds pretty standard in identifying a good relationship. In fact, if you are doing well on all three of those then you are probably on the right track. But there is one more thing. I don't think it's anything I've learned, but rather it is something that my experience with theatre has helped me to articulate.

When acting with a scene partner (or partners), if you focus on what you're doing, what you're saying, and your own success in the scene, then the scene will get performed. It will be mediocre and uninspiring, but it will be. What is the secret to a really great performance? Giving. If you think about what you can give to boost everyone around, what you can give to the audience, what you can give at all times, then chances are you are going to have quite an excellent scene on your hands.

I think the same goes for relationships (both romantic and non-romantic). You should be giving of yourself, your time, and your energy to the other person. You should think of their happiness, their success, and their needs. And quite frankly, they should be doing the same thing. There is very little room for selfishness in any relationship you will ever have. I would posit that the only place for selfishness is that you have every right to expect that other person involved in the relationship to be giving, too.

If the other person is extremely giving it is very easy to default to a taking position. They give and give and that giving needs to go somewhere, so you accept it. The problem is that sometimes this default means that you are not giving back. Beware of this. You should both be giving, and you should both be accepting of the emotional "gifts" that the other is giving.

So I said I would tell you how you can know if you are in a healthy and prosperous relationship. That's it. What's wonderful about it is that anyone can learn to give. It's called charity, and it's up to us to tailor that charity to yield the greatest amount of fruit in our relationships. If you feel like you are giving everything and getting nothing in return, then chances are your relationship is not in a good spot.

But here's the thing: all relationships take time and effort. If it's not perfect (because it will never be) you can talk about it. Do you wish that the other person would give more? Then talk to them about it. Any relationship worth having is worth working on, worth developing, worth cultivating. So communicate, give your "gifts," and invest. I promise you it's worth it. You'll never really know where your future will take you, but if both of you think you are on a good path then I say keep climbing.

Feelings: Apparently a Good Thing

Let's talk about our feelings today. How does that make you feel?

Now, if you know me, and I assume (potentially incorrectly) that if you are reading my blog you do, you will recognize that feelings and Matt are not generally two topics that intersect frequently. I have made a long and storied career out of keeping things to myself and carrying on with life. Yes, I have feelings, but I have become very good at not showing or sharing them. If you ask me how I am doing, the answer will probably be that "I'm fine." Hopefully we all recognize this is a Southern Fine, and can cover all feelings from terrible to fantastic. It is used because, quite frankly, you probably don't actually care, you're just being polite. I accept that and embrace it. I think the world could stand for more politeness.

The inevitable consequence of never opening up about my feelings is that quite rapidly the number of people one feels comfortable talking about feelings with decreases to just two people: My inner critic and my mother. My inner critic is rarely super pleasant, and most of the time he just tells me to man up. Valid. He has a point most of the time. My mother is fantastic, and I will be discussing my feelings with her later today.

Now, I could easily take this forum and use it to openly express my feelings, but like I said, I am extremely uncomfortable with that. So instead I will speak in generalities about feelings themselves instead of my personal feelings.

I have worked harder than many to control my feelings. But I will say, and I have learned this recently, that just letting yourself feel deeply is phenomenally liberating. There is something magnificently human about allowing those feelings to wash over and through you. And once they have run their course you are free and clean. 

Maybe it's the world we live in, but for some reason we have developed a culture of selective emotional expression. Everyone has to be happy all the time, or at least act like it. We start building dams, bottlenecking our emotions until they reach unhealthy levels, and then when they start spilling over the walls we have erected we scramble to build the dams higher, stronger, thicker.

The problem with dams is that eventually you are flooding a lot of land behind the dam that you could have been using for something else, like housing, or farming, or sheep grazing (And yes, we are still in the metaphor, but this is also true in real life). Emotional dams are dangerous. However, the far extreme is also dangerous, that of the emotional swamp where we just let certain emotions soak into everything, and we just wallow in them.

I think that the best thing to do is to just feel. If you feel sad, then let yourself feel sad for an appropriate amount of time and then carry on. Trying to smile through everything won't make you a happy person. Trying to laugh off disappointment or defeat won't really bring you joy. But allowing yourself to descend into the valley will also let you climb up the mountain. I don't think God gave us the full spectrum of human emotion and experience so that we could ignore or suppress bits and pieces of it. And let's face the facts; sometimes you just need a good cry.

Kissing Protocol

Recently a roommate and I got onto the topic of kissing. Now, I wouldn't say that we are experts, but we understand what we like, and surprisingly we share similar views on the topic. Following a small and potentially imaginary survey I decided to compile all the data to really discuss the finer points of kissing. 

First off, do not disregard this post even if you are sure as shootin' you're a good kisser. Be forewarned, creativity and quality are not synonyms. 

Secondly, some of this post will actually focus on the qualities of relationships that make kissing someone an enjoyable experience. Generally that someone is the person with whom you are in a relationship. If it is not, then I don't think my post will help you very much in your current circumstances.

Thirdly, I am not an expert. I will say upfront with pride that my kissing experience is limited to four ladies. Plus two on stage, but that's a different ballgame and really is sort of like kissing a wall. Ain't no joy in that (unless you have a thing for walls, in which case my simile fails)(Although one time that wall was very attractive and seemed to really enjoy herself). But let's get down to brass tacks.

Kissing is a wonderful thing when done correctly. We've all seen movie kisses. They range from Disney to "What on earth!?", but I think we all have our own lines we've drawn in our minds that help us determine when to say either "That is so cute and they love each other so much" or "I am so glad my mother is not here." With that in mind, I think we all understand in our own lives (unless you have never done any kissing, in which case I apologize and instead of reading this you should be out getting yourself a man or lady friend) when a kiss ceases to be an expression of love and becomes a ferocious game of face-battling. Face-battling is not good. Tender is good.

Of all those surveyed, we have all experienced a relationship where kissing ceases to be awesome and becomes a chore. You should never get that point. Here are some professional tips to avoid such a fate:

1) Do something other than kissing. That which you do the most will very quickly become boring. That's why, unless you are me, you cannot handle eating the same cereal every morning for years upon years. Have a conversation. Look at the stars. Actually watch that movie. Discuss the symbolism found within a piece of art and the emotions it evokes in you. Make (and eat) breakfast. There are a lot of things you can do besides kissing.

2) There is an elegance in simplicity. There have been kisses where I have said silently within my head, "What on earth is going on?" Not a good question to have to ask yourself. "Passionate Kissing" is not always a passionate thing, but very often is a confusing, sloppy, moist thing that boggles my mind. Never try to accomplish too much. Breath frequently. Break contact. Do not try to see if you can perform the Dementor's kiss.

3) Kiss like you mean it. In fact, I am a big fan of only kissing when you mean it. Have I always done that, not necessarily. Do I wish I had? Yes. While making out with strangers may seem exciting, it pales in comparison to kissing someone you really care about. Well, I've never made out with a stranger, so I can't exactly make that call, but I have kissed someone I really cared about before, and that was pretty great. In fact, the first time we kissed she cried, which I'm going to assume was because of overwhelming emotion and not because it was unpleasant. I guess I never asked, so it could have just been extreme disappointment, but if it was then continuing to date me for over a year really seems like the wrong choice.

Let's be honest. Kissing is really only enjoyable when it's with someone you care about. There was a time in my life where I thought just the act of kissing was awesome and failed to mentally connect it with the emotions that were already there and the deep caring, trust, and connection that permeated the relationships. If you think about it, kissing is sort of weird. We press our faces together, connecting the openings of our digestive system, and sometimes include in that connection the usage of a wet, prehensile muscle of the mouth. And yet it's oftentimes a sweet expression of love and affection.

But I promised protocol in the title. Here are my rules:

A) Understand that most of the public doesn't really want to watch. A brief, affectionate kiss is a great way to say goodbye or hello to your significant other. More than that is uncomfortable.

B) Don't kiss in Sacrament Meeting. Shoot, I don't even like when people give shoulder massages in church. Hold hands, put your arm around her shoulders, shoot, if you have to give a back scratch then do it (but make it brief).

C) "Making Out" should be a rare occurrence. 

D) Kissing on a dude or lady with the sole purpose of lengthening the time spent together should be avoided. If someone must leave, then leaving must occur.

E) Kisses on the cheek are acceptable at almost all times (except Sacrament Meeting). That's just cute, and cuteness should be encouraged. Also it's a great way to demonstrate affection if your significant other is ill. Being sick together is not romantic.

F) If I see a couple doing an eskimo kiss, or a butterfly kiss, or kissin' on each other's noses, I feel inclined to punch. You may think you're circumventing my "In Public" rules, but you are not.

G) Dental hygiene. Enough said. But I'll say more. No one wants to know what you had for dinner several hours ago, and they definitely don't want to find out mid-liplock.

H) This has nothing to do with kissing, but pet names are weird. "Honey" is acceptable, as is "Sugar." If you get more creative than that, at least spare me when I'm around.

I) Do not kiss brains out. I know, I know, I'm making a rule that contradicts my favorite post-date question.

J) I'm sure you've heard some people talk about a 3-second rule with kissing. My rule is this: Let the kiss take the time the kiss should take, but do not force a kiss to go longer than it should. Feel the energy of the situation and kiss accordingly.

K) The first time you want to kiss someone and you feel like they want to kiss you too, don't do it. Almost, but not quite. This "Not-kissed-yet" tension is a wonderful thing that will just make the actual first kiss so much more awesome. Believe me, I have never had a bad first kiss. Make that eye contact for a little bit, and then bring her in for a good, long hug. And you're welcome, the stage is set for next time.

And there you have it. Those are my thoughts and rules regarding kissing. Take what you want from it. While I'm at it I'll probably write a couple more dating posts over the next few days, sort of an informal dating week as February approaches. If you have gotten to the bottom of this post and think, "Wait, I don't even know how to kiss," here's a WikiHow article for you

Rules to Live By

If you've spent any significant amount of time around me you have heard me say, "I only live by one rule," and then state a rule. If you've spent more than that amount of time around me you've probably heard me say that followed by multiple different rules, thus proving that I don't really live by only one rule. I decided that maybe it's about time to go on record with all the only rules I try to live by.

#1 - No Double Dipping

This is the most elementary of rules and has proven to be the one I have seen violated most frequently by those around me. And I'm not just talking about the blatant disregard of this rule demonstrated by my sisters-in-law with mozzarella sticks and marinara sauce. That's right, I haven't forgotten that. I believe that it extends into metaphorical realms as well. You found Divergent to be unoriginal, poorly written, and frustratingly cruddy? A second reading will not fix those problems, and continuing with that ill-fated series will only bring you sorrow. You dated a girl, broke up with her, and are now considering getting back together with her a couple weeks later? Is she or are you a fundamentally different person now? Have the issues that led to the initial break-up miraculously evaporated? No double dipping! I am aware that you all have friends or relatives or social acquaintances that double-dipped and got hitched and are happy, but you know what? I stand by what I believe. You graduated from High School and said to yourself, "Well, that was fun, but I'm never doing theatre again," but that opportunity to audition has come up after three years of theatre deprivation? I understand, and you have my permission to double-dip.

#2 - Go Big or Go Home

Just because I frequently choose the "Go Home" option does not mean I believe any less in this rule. If you are going to do something but are unwilling to invest yourself, then don't do it. Unless you have to. And if you have to then you might as well do your best. If it's worth doing then it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing but you still find yourself obligated to do it, then consider it practice for the next time you need to go big. In fact, most of the time my "Go Home" option is the best way to "Go Big."

#3 - Don't Knock It Until You Try It

Unless trying it would be in direct violation of the commandments of God. Then you still don't necessarily need to knock it, just stand firm in your beliefs. But when it comes to non-soul-affecting choices I live by this rule. There have been a lot of things that I have found joy in that I initially would have mocked and knocked, and even when I did not find joy in it I gained a greater appreciation for the effort and skill involved. Ballet (dance in general), hard as all get out. Mad respect. Being a vegetarian, not my cup of tea. Mad respect. Peanut butter and pickle sandwiches, better than you would think. Mad respect to anyone who decides to try one after reading this post. I have a long list of things that I would like to try so that I am able to knock those things, but I won't knock them until I have tried them.

#4 - Always Accept "No" for an Answer

Your mind is boggled because I said always instead of never. Here's why: when most people say no, they say no for pretty good reasons. If you refuse to accept that no, then you are saying you do not respect their decision making ability and instead believe you should manipulate them to acquiesce to your requests. Maybe it's just me, but if someone accepts my no with dignity then I'm much more likely to consider their future proposals and say yes. If they refuse to accept my no we very quickly reach an impasse where stubbornness reaches critical mass. And just think about it. Do you really want everyone to say yes all the time? Especially if it's a begrudging yes? And no is much better than a half-hearted yes in many instances. Dating, crazy ideas, invitations to go on sweet adventures, borrowing things. In all of these instances a reluctant and forced yes will result in complaining, poor attitudes, and enragedness. If someone is firm with a no, accept it and move on.

#5 - When in Doubt, Ask Your Mother

I don't know your mother (actually, I might have met her depending on who you are), but I definitely know my mother. And my mother is almost 100% right at least 90% of the time. Unless she is asking the question and it is either "Where is my cell phone?" or "Where are the keys?" or "Do I already own a copy of Cold Sassy Tree?" Then it's really anyone's guess. But I can say with some certainty that her counsel has been helpful in almost every major life decision I have made. She is one of maybe three people I would allow to set me up with someone. Trust your mother. She raised you. Or trust my mother. She raised me.

#6 - Respect

Now, I'm not advocating just thoughtlessly giving respect to everyone and everything you come in contact with. I do believe that people earn respect. But I also believe that it's never acceptable to act disrespectfully. Remember the old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Well, it actually holds a lot of water. It's like a sponge. But even beyond saying things and speaking in respectful tones and treating everyone like human beings, rarely if ever is it acceptable to storm off, to get all huffy, to yell at folks, to claim incompetence just because you are frustrated, or to bite someone you dislike. A wise man (who I believe to be the Savior of the world) proposed a golden rule about treating others as you would like to be treated. While at times difficult (just ask about all the fun times I had in the Houston airport on my way back to Utah), it bears remembering that everyone is a human being (except for Sasquatch. He's a Sasquatch) and life isn't easy for anyone. So why not just try to not make it harder for anyone else?

Those are probably the six main ones, you know, along with the obvious "Keep the commandments" one. I do have more rules, but those are more specific to situation or circumstance. I have very strict rules regarding which pants to wear ("Is there a stain anywhere on them? If not, then wear them" and "Will your legs freeze if you wear shorts? If not, then wear shorts") and which girls to ask on dates (Is she attractive and at least mildly interesting? Might as well). My fashion rules are less hard and fast (Wear clothes if the situation would be negatively affected by not wearing clothes). Movie and entertainment rules are quite fluid (If it's interesting I'll watch it. If it has explosions I'll watch it again). All in all I try to live simply. Maybe I'll expand my rules list one day, but for now these rules pretty much cover most areas of my life just fine.