Rules to Live By

If you've spent any significant amount of time around me you have heard me say, "I only live by one rule," and then state a rule. If you've spent more than that amount of time around me you've probably heard me say that followed by multiple different rules, thus proving that I don't really live by only one rule. I decided that maybe it's about time to go on record with all the only rules I try to live by.

#1 - No Double Dipping

This is the most elementary of rules and has proven to be the one I have seen violated most frequently by those around me. And I'm not just talking about the blatant disregard of this rule demonstrated by my sisters-in-law with mozzarella sticks and marinara sauce. That's right, I haven't forgotten that. I believe that it extends into metaphorical realms as well. You found Divergent to be unoriginal, poorly written, and frustratingly cruddy? A second reading will not fix those problems, and continuing with that ill-fated series will only bring you sorrow. You dated a girl, broke up with her, and are now considering getting back together with her a couple weeks later? Is she or are you a fundamentally different person now? Have the issues that led to the initial break-up miraculously evaporated? No double dipping! I am aware that you all have friends or relatives or social acquaintances that double-dipped and got hitched and are happy, but you know what? I stand by what I believe. You graduated from High School and said to yourself, "Well, that was fun, but I'm never doing theatre again," but that opportunity to audition has come up after three years of theatre deprivation? I understand, and you have my permission to double-dip.

#2 - Go Big or Go Home

Just because I frequently choose the "Go Home" option does not mean I believe any less in this rule. If you are going to do something but are unwilling to invest yourself, then don't do it. Unless you have to. And if you have to then you might as well do your best. If it's worth doing then it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing but you still find yourself obligated to do it, then consider it practice for the next time you need to go big. In fact, most of the time my "Go Home" option is the best way to "Go Big."

#3 - Don't Knock It Until You Try It

Unless trying it would be in direct violation of the commandments of God. Then you still don't necessarily need to knock it, just stand firm in your beliefs. But when it comes to non-soul-affecting choices I live by this rule. There have been a lot of things that I have found joy in that I initially would have mocked and knocked, and even when I did not find joy in it I gained a greater appreciation for the effort and skill involved. Ballet (dance in general), hard as all get out. Mad respect. Being a vegetarian, not my cup of tea. Mad respect. Peanut butter and pickle sandwiches, better than you would think. Mad respect to anyone who decides to try one after reading this post. I have a long list of things that I would like to try so that I am able to knock those things, but I won't knock them until I have tried them.

#4 - Always Accept "No" for an Answer

Your mind is boggled because I said always instead of never. Here's why: when most people say no, they say no for pretty good reasons. If you refuse to accept that no, then you are saying you do not respect their decision making ability and instead believe you should manipulate them to acquiesce to your requests. Maybe it's just me, but if someone accepts my no with dignity then I'm much more likely to consider their future proposals and say yes. If they refuse to accept my no we very quickly reach an impasse where stubbornness reaches critical mass. And just think about it. Do you really want everyone to say yes all the time? Especially if it's a begrudging yes? And no is much better than a half-hearted yes in many instances. Dating, crazy ideas, invitations to go on sweet adventures, borrowing things. In all of these instances a reluctant and forced yes will result in complaining, poor attitudes, and enragedness. If someone is firm with a no, accept it and move on.

#5 - When in Doubt, Ask Your Mother

I don't know your mother (actually, I might have met her depending on who you are), but I definitely know my mother. And my mother is almost 100% right at least 90% of the time. Unless she is asking the question and it is either "Where is my cell phone?" or "Where are the keys?" or "Do I already own a copy of Cold Sassy Tree?" Then it's really anyone's guess. But I can say with some certainty that her counsel has been helpful in almost every major life decision I have made. She is one of maybe three people I would allow to set me up with someone. Trust your mother. She raised you. Or trust my mother. She raised me.

#6 - Respect

Now, I'm not advocating just thoughtlessly giving respect to everyone and everything you come in contact with. I do believe that people earn respect. But I also believe that it's never acceptable to act disrespectfully. Remember the old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Well, it actually holds a lot of water. It's like a sponge. But even beyond saying things and speaking in respectful tones and treating everyone like human beings, rarely if ever is it acceptable to storm off, to get all huffy, to yell at folks, to claim incompetence just because you are frustrated, or to bite someone you dislike. A wise man (who I believe to be the Savior of the world) proposed a golden rule about treating others as you would like to be treated. While at times difficult (just ask about all the fun times I had in the Houston airport on my way back to Utah), it bears remembering that everyone is a human being (except for Sasquatch. He's a Sasquatch) and life isn't easy for anyone. So why not just try to not make it harder for anyone else?

Those are probably the six main ones, you know, along with the obvious "Keep the commandments" one. I do have more rules, but those are more specific to situation or circumstance. I have very strict rules regarding which pants to wear ("Is there a stain anywhere on them? If not, then wear them" and "Will your legs freeze if you wear shorts? If not, then wear shorts") and which girls to ask on dates (Is she attractive and at least mildly interesting? Might as well). My fashion rules are less hard and fast (Wear clothes if the situation would be negatively affected by not wearing clothes). Movie and entertainment rules are quite fluid (If it's interesting I'll watch it. If it has explosions I'll watch it again). All in all I try to live simply. Maybe I'll expand my rules list one day, but for now these rules pretty much cover most areas of my life just fine.

Top 5 Disney Heroines

I would like to state up front that my criteria for my selection of my five favorite heroines is shaky at best. A healthy level of sass will often be the tipping point into my top ten, but trimming it down to 5 requires finesse and a very selective process of thinking, "If she were a real person, would I have considered dating her when I was 16, 20, 25, or all of the above?" Subjective? Yes, but all favorite lists must be subjective.

MATT FIFE'S FAVORITE FIVE DISNEY HEROINES

Belle

Now, in my villain post I did say that I am listing these in no particular order, and that remains true with one exception, Belle is and will for the foreseeable future remain my #1 favorite Disney heroine. Was she the first female to have a decisive role in the plot of a Disney animated feature? Yes. Let's look at her credentials. She's smart, a booklover, sassy enough to reject Gaston, sassy enough to stand up to the Beast, loving enough to put the well-being of others first, sacrifices the possibility of being with the Beast romantically in order to care for her ailing father, breaks a decade-old spell, fights wolves, and let's not forget the time she miraculously lifted the probably 300 lbs. Beast onto her horse in a snowstorm with wolves hanging around in the woods. And she turned the cold, angry heart of the Beast into that of a refined gentleman. Now, he had that kernel within him so Belle wasn't so much changing him as nurturing the good in him, but still, an impressive feat for any woman. I mean, did you see the way he used to eat his breakfast? And on that note, she's willing and tactful enough to compromise. "So the spoon is too tiny for his giant beast hands? Well then let's compromise to tastefully drink the porridge so that he doesn't feel like an idiot." Belle, you've forever ruined me (though I no longer eat my porridge like a beast, so I'm not completely ruined).

Ariel

Is she a teenager and does it show? Yes. But wouldn't you also run to the sea witch (who happens to be your only living older female relative) if your father had just thrown a temper tantrum and blown up your carefully curated human oddities collection with his trident lasers? I would. And despite the setbacks she faces (losing her voice, entering a completely unfamiliar world, getting shot at with trident lasers by her aunt) she never gives up in the pursuit of her goals. She is fearless (have you ever jumped a gap that large in a heavy open carriage pulled by one horse?), she is talented (best voice of all of Triton's daughters), she sticks to her guns (every night she combs her hair with a fork), and she fights for what she believes in (which happens to be an end to prejudice and opening diplomatic channels between humans and merpeople). The only downside is that she's just a little bit of a hoarder, but everyone has some idiosyncrasies. And without Ariel who would the gingers have had to look up to for the past 25 years?

Jasmine

The sass level here is off the scale. She does not hold back when she finds out Aladdin has been lying to her, though unfortunately she is taken in by the more extravagant lies he uses to cover the lies he has already told. This would not have happened if Aladdin were not such a world-class liar and con-man. Another unfortunate hiccup for her character is her poor money-management. In fact, she doesn't understand money at all or how the world works. But she loves her father, believes in an end to antiquated and sexist social custom, has a pet tiger, puts her trust in the right people, is athletic enough to climb out of the palace and pole-vault from roof to roof, and maintains a bearing of confidence and authority in less-than-perfect circumstances. Yes, she kissed Jafar, but in her defense she was functioning within the system to bring down the unjust system, so we let that slide. And through all of this she doesn't just rush headlong into marriage. Aladdin has to woo her for three movies before they actually get married. Talk about courtship.

Rapunzel

I bet you thought I was stuck pre-95, but let this be proof that I am not. That girl has so much hair and so much sassyness. With her frying pan in hand she boldly and bravely steps into the unknown. The only thing that could have made her character stronger is if she had decided to cut her hair instead of Flynn doing it for her, but it was sort of a traumatic moment and I can understand that she probably wasn't thinking super clearly. One of the greatest qualities of Rapunzel is that she unflinchingly pursues her dream while treating everyone with love and respect, thus inspiring them to follow their own dreams. She is as well-read as was within her power, is quite skilled in the domestic arena, and has an artistic soul. Instead of being a domineering force in the film, the character of Rapunzel and that of Flynn worked together to form an equal partnership filled with wonder, trust, and sacrifice.

Eilonwy

I will admit up front that much of my estimation of her character is influenced by the books which were so senselessly violated in the creation of this particular film, but I believe much of the essence of Eilonwy came through. In an effort to hide their shame, Disney does not often count her amongst their Disney Princesses even though she is very clearly the last princess of Llyr. Not only that, but she is a no-nonsense type of person. Who is always there to bring Taran back to reality? Eilonwy. Who consistently saves the day? Eilonwy. Who (in the books) sacrifices her claim to nearly limitless magical power to save her friends? Eilonwy. Who is instrumental in destroying the Horned King, the Black Cauldron, Taran's pompousity, Achren's evil power, and Arawn the Death-Lord? Eilonwy. And if this is piquing anyone's interest in the novels, I will happily lend them to you. But stepping back to limiting myself to the actual Disney versions of the characters, she is good-natured, shows poor, humble Gurgi tenderness when everyone else hates him, cares deeply for her friends, and has a magical bauble. Yes, her voice in the film will get on your nerves just a little bit, but let's face the ultimate, deciding factor as to what puts her in the top 5. She is openly, unabashedly, and unreservedly Welsh.

Honorable Mentions

Two other heroines deserve mention in this list, namely Mulan and Pocahontas. Both demonstrate great courage, fortitude, and resolve in the face hardship. And Mulan went up against one of the most ruthless villains (Shan Yu, who should have been an honorable mention on my Disney villain list) without so much as blinking, while Pocahontas fought the greatest villain, ignorance and racism. Mulan should actually probably have her own entry because she did everything for her family and for China, and just about nothing for Shang, showing that it's not always about the man, but there's no shame in accepting his advances once the crisis has passed.

Conspicuously Absent

Aurora - her contribution to the film was singing, and then pricking her finger on a spindle. While probably in the top three for most attractive Disney Princesses, there is not enough character development for her to make it onto this list. The list for top 4 most attractive Disney Princesses is Belle, Aurora, Ariel, and Jasmine. Getting it to 3 is actually really hard. Feel free to disagree.

Merida - Every time someone says, "Finally, a Disney princess that's a good role-model for girls," I want to punch them in the face. Come on people, we have Belle. Why is Merida a role-model? Because she resorts to magic to get her way after throwing a hissy-fit when she refuses to listen to her mother, and then backpedals for the duration of the movie? No thanks, I'll stick to people that function on principles of love and sacrifice. Merida is not a strong character, and you can lynch me later if you want. Bull-headed? Stubborn? Disobedient? Manipulative? Disrespectful? Hot-tempered? Yes. Strong? Not so much.

Anyone from Frozen or that frog movie - I haven't seen them. I may never see that frog one.

Live-action Disney Females - I just assumed it went without saying that I was sticking to animated features. If not then the live-action Alice from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland makes it into the top ten and has a pretty good shot at making top 5 if I ignore Welshness as a determining factor. And Giselle, but that's mainly just because I love Amy Adams, though Giselle does show great determination and self-possession, rescuing Patrick Dempsey from certain death.

Top 5 Disney Villains

I've decided to attempt this. After a quarter of a century watching and re-watching Disney films I am now prepared to present my five favorite Disney villains and heroines in two separate blog posts (it's too long if it's all one). I imagine I could possibly offend some people by leaving their favorite villains off of my list. I also imagine I will offend fewer folks for my choices in heroines. And before anyone hangs me for potentially listing a non-princess, I very clearly wrote heroine and refuse to be constrained by the extremely fluid definition of a Disney princess. Please note that I am not ranking these characters because to do so would only make it more difficult for me, so they shall be collectively a top five.

MATT FIFE'S FAVORITE DISNEY VILLAINS

Scar

Not only is Scar voiced by Jeremy Irons, but he is the only Disney villain to commit murder on screen. Not only murder, but a fascinating compound of fratricide, regicide, and coup d'etat all rolled into one heartless action. Not stopping there, he convinces Simba that he is the guilty party, which guilt leads Simba to run away leaving the door open for Scar to take complete and uncontested control of the Pride Lands. Really a brilliant villain. His only real mistake (aside from cold-blooded and calculated murder) was lacking the logistical skills to give his reign longevity. If he had just understood the circle of life better (and you know his and Mufasa's dad taught it to both of them), then Nala would have never had a reason to go looking for help to overthrow the tyrant. The caution here: Know something about running a kingdom before the coup.

Ursula

Voiced by Pat Carroll, whose acting credentials make almost everyone else look inexperienced, Ursula brings the greatest level of sass to the Disney villain table. And in certain versions of the story she's King Triton's sister, which just makes her that much more sinister. She manipulates Ariel in order to get revenge on Triton using a completely legal contract. Sure Triton is the king of the ocean, but he can't just blow up legally binding magical contracts at will. She gets her evil goals by playing within the structure of the game. Not an easy task. If she had demonstrated the same patience in dealing with Ariel as she did with Triton then she'd still be queen. Just think, if she had turned Ariel into a human again, then there would be absolutely nothing Ariel could have done to stop Ursula from reigning supreme.

Gaston

He is so manly. The dude hunts, uses antlers in all of his decorating, and has his own special chair in the tavern. All the ladies love him. Though every last inch of him is covered in hair, it apparently is not enough for Belle who decides to pursue an even hairier individual. Some would argue that he is not really a villain, but he does plot to have Belle's father thrown into an insane asylum so that he can have leverage in marriage negotiations with Belle, and then when he finds out there is another suitor who happens to live in that old castle out in the woods that no one has bothered to check on in the past decade despite it being owned by like a 12 year old kid within living memory, he proceeds to knife him. While he may not be as intelligent or devious as the other villains, he, for the first time in Disney history, challenged the concept of the outward/inward beauty connection while at the same time initiating one of my favorite Disney songs ever, "Kill the Beast."

Jafar

You look at him and think, "With facial hair like that he must be evil." And he is. Manipulative in the extreme, lacking a moral compass, willing to unscrupulously use magic to achieve his goals, and full of hilarious one-liners (Perhaps you'd like to see how ssss-snake-like I can beee!!!), Jafar is such a successful villain that they made a sequel and entitled it The Return of Jafar. From vizier, to sultan, to sorcerer, to genie, this tall gangle-creature probably continues to haunt the dark corners of my mind. I'm willing to bet that many a fear of snakes has been instigated by watching Aladdin. Unlike Gaston, who makes some pretense of wooing Belle, Jafar just up and enslaves Jasmine. His great failing was his lust for power, but that's also what makes him so effective leading up to the fatal "Make me an all powerful genie" wish. He is so deceptive himself and so calculating and manipulative that he immediately smells a (street) rat when Prince Ali shows up on the scene. When he was trying to warn the Sultan about Prince Ali he was actually doing his job. Hopefully no one wishes him free anytime soon.

Maleficent

What do you do when you don't receive an invite to the social engagement of the year? I bet you don't magically appear and curse a baby to die, do you? I didn't think so. In my opinion no list of Disney villains is complete without Maleficent. She is expert in the use of dark magic, can turn into a very terrifying dragon, and took gardening classes from Satan himself. And her back up plan to counter the weakening of her original curse (death to eternal slumber with the option of release) is to capture Phillip and keep him prisoner until he's wicked old and then let him kiss Aurora. Could she go ahead and kill everyone in the kingdom while they are asleep? Yes. Does she? No, because for her it's not about ruling the kingdom or getting even. She just wants everyone to be miserable and suffer because she felt insulted. Why kill a girl when you can force her to marry her true love with a 70-year age difference? Genius. If she had hired more reliable minions, and if the good fairies hadn't cheated on the whole flying sword thing, then she would have been completely successful.

In closing on this list of villains, I would like to point something out. These Disney villains, with the possible exception of Scar, are not the true ruthless characters in these movies. Let's violently shift these hierarchies to reveal some of the underlying brokenness of the Disney moral compass. It's the "heroes" that truly hold darkness in their souls. Aladdin manipulates and enslaves Jafar, Eric impales Ursula with a ship, Phillip stabs Maleficent to death with a magic sword, Beast lets Gaston fall to his death, and Simba turns his back as Scar is brutally torn apart by hyenas. And the list goes on and on with examples of Disney hero-to-villain cruelty. If they really wanted to uphold the law then they should have subdued the individual and made them stand trial before a jury of their peers. Instead they resort to street justice, demonstrating that they are far from civilized, instead sinking oftentimes to the level or below the level of the villain in question.

2013/2014: Recaps, Resolutions, Etc.

Let me explain...
No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

2013 has been a year much like many others. It began in January, and it will end tonight as December expires. There were 365 days, as the majority of years have. But it was the first 2013 I have lived and will probably be the last. So let's look back, and then look forward to 2014 (a year like many others, except I haven't lived a 2014 yet).

What did I do in 2013? Well, what didn't I do? Lots is the answer to both of those questions.

Theatre:
I worked backstage for the ballets Peter Pan and The Legend of Timpanogos
I ASM'ed Phantom of the Opera
I SM'ed Blithe Spirit
I AD'ed Farewell to Eden
I did Hair and Makeup Design for Henry V
I directed Hamlet
I acted in Henry V, Wind of a Thousand Tales, Somewhere to Claustrophobia, and excerpts from Richard III and The King Stag

Sheesh, it sounds like I was busy this year in the theatre world. I will probably be less busy this upcoming year, but that's mainly because I graduate and then will be doing something probably resembling work thereafter, but what that will constitute remains open for debate.

Travel:
I flew across the ocean to visit Ireland, Wales, England, and Scotland, and while there visited dozens of castles, cathedrals, historical sites, quoits, cromlechs, dolmens, and a handful of theatrical performances in London, Cardiff, and Edinburgh (Hint: Three of the previous words mean the same thing).
I also drove down to Georgia and South Carolina for a well earned vacation away from the frigid, snowy valley that I have grown to accept with at least half of my heart.

I can only anticipate that travels and adventures will continue to occur in the following year.

Academics:
Needless to say I continued to dominate when I wanted to. Regardless of anything else that happens in life I remain Matt Fife.

Will these trends of exceptional work continue? I only have 9 more credits of my undergraduate degree, so I would predict yes. Will I carry on to do graduate work? That has yet to be decided, but if I do my commitment to stellar work will remain.

Employment:
I worked as a janitor (4-8 AM M-F), as a stage hand, and finally as a Teaching Assistant. I made more as a janitor, but the TA gig does not require me to wake up at 3:30, so that's a plus.

I will continue to work as a TA for the theatre department until graduation, and after that the sky is the limit (because NASA doesn't hire Theatre Majors as astronauts).

Love:
I dated some folk. I am yet unwed.

What does 2014 hold in store for my heart? Based on the quantity of pudding I've eaten over the past two days (16 Snack Packs and counting), a terrible catastrophe. Based on Horoscope.com by July my work-to-results ratio will begin to skew towards results. We have Jupiter's position in Leo to thank for that. Thanks, Jupiter.


What else does 2014 hold in store for me? Well, I have some ideas. I'm going to graduate. I am going to move (mainly because my contract is up in April). I am going to stage manage a show (Last Train to Nibroc, come see it at BYU this semester). I am going to read things. I will also probably write things. I will make some effort to keep the following resolutions, though I can neither confirm nor deny the success thereof.

Resolutions:
1) Unplug my life - Less technology, more living.
2) Figure out some sort of post-graduation plan - Puppeteer? Graduate School? Helicopter Pilot?
3) Hug people more - I'm a prickly man. Time to be more friendly.
4) Gain more wilderness survival skills - It's a cold, cruel world, and I must survive.

There are more goals and things that I would like to accomplish, but those four are my top resolutions. I figure if I do all of those I'll be ready for the Y2k15 bug that I've been hearing about in the news. Ultimate goal: Be prepared to live in the woods for 2-4 weeks seeking Sasquatch. And then hug them when I find them.

In Memoriam

It was March when we first met. I was a young man, he was a little puppy, freshly collected from the pound. One of our first interactions involved me, sick as all get out, curled up on the floor. He was an active pup, but he chose to come and cuddle with me, keeping me company in my feverish state. From that day forward we formed a bond of love and mutual respect.

He was not normally a super attention seeking dog. Most of the time he would simply pause in front of you and wait patiently for a loving head scratch. Sometimes he would calmly insert himself under your hand, or press his head against your thigh, but the result would still be the same. A head scratch and then some pleasant lounging.

When he was a puppy he was small enough to get lost in the monkey grass out back. Only his little black tail could be seen poking up from beneath the grassy plants. He also loved digging. I don't remember exactly how many times he managed to dig his way under the fence and wander out into the world, but he always came back. He was filled with wanderlust. He escaped because he loved to explore, and he wanted to explore as much as possible. However, he knew where home was and who his family was. If we pulled up beside him in the car and opened the door he would frequently just hop right in. He really enjoyed car rides.

He stopped being small pretty quick. In his prime he would rise up on his hind legs, put his paws on my shoulders, and look me square in the eye. While sitting on the top bunk, reading or playing with legos, he would frequently leap from standing and land beside me. While some people might have rules about dogs on beds or couches, Frodo understood that he was a part of the family. Most winter nights he could be found on mom's bed, keeping her warmer than she generally wanted to be.

There was only one thing he feared, and that was thunder (or really anything that sounded like it). This is a most unfortunate fear to have in Virginia, especially in the early summer months. When thunder rolled he would breathe heavily, pace constantly, and sometimes dig at carpet. But all he wanted was to be close to someone to give him comfort. There were lots of stormy nights when he would stick to me like glue, panting and listening as I spoke comfort to his stressed soul.

I love Frodo. Every time I came home he was waiting for me. He gave me as much if not more comfort than I ever could have given him. He held on for a long time and lived an amazing life. I don't know when it happened, but I stopped thinking of him as a pet. He was my friend, my family. He was my brother. Sure he got grumpy if you tried to take a tissue away from him, but who wouldn't? He cared for us, watched over us, and protected us from passing dogs, cats, and squirrels. 

I'll miss you, Frodo. 

Rest in Peace.

Some Groundrules

Dear Humanity,

It has come to my attention that maybe you don't do everything the way that I would prefer. So here I am telling everyone how to be human. And you do not need to bring up the irony of this situation. And now you're all trying to figure out what the irony is. I will now list several complaints and ways to rectify the situations.

1) Walking should require more than moving your legs.

There are many times in my life where I have been walking in a crowd, and all of a sudden the person in front of me slows to a crawl. I think, "What on earth is going on here? Did they pull their hamstring?" But as I maneuver past them I discover that that is incorrect. They've just pulled out their phone and have ceased to use their eyes and their brain to help them walk successfully. Texting and walking is dangerous in the same way that texting and driving is. Say I'm going full-speed ahead and you, on your phone, drift into my lane of walking. You will get annihilated, or I will have to pull some awesome ninja evasive maneuver to keep from hurting you. Either way, you've failed at one of the things that sets humans apart - Walking upright. Other dangerous things that happen when you're on your phone instead of watching where you're going

• Fall down stairs
• Get kidnapped
• Get stabbed to death by an enraged passer-by
• Incite ambulatory road rage leading to you getting a crossbow bolt in the throat
• Run into a trashcan or light pole

As you can plainly see, keep your eyes on the path. If your pocket buzzes, you can see who it is, or if it's an urgent e-mail. But while you are walking it is not the time to respond.

2) Communication requires two people

Unless of course you talk to yourself. But you see, the problem is that not everyone wants to communicate all the time. In fact, most of the time we're just talking at each other without actually saying anything. And the thing is, sometimes you're just busy doing other things and don't have time to communicate or focus on something other than the important business of whatever you're doing. The following are several guidelines to determine if I am willing to communicate with you. Other people might have different ideas, so just apply the following to interactions with me.

• If I have my head down, pen in hand, papers in front of me, then it is probably not the best time.
• If I have headphones in then I will not hear you when you come up behind me and say something.
• Eye contact means you have my attention.
• If I give you three grunts in a row then it's pretty clear that I'm not involved in the conversation. Don't make me grunt a fourth time.
• If you say something funny and I respond with a two syllable laugh, there's a good chance I'm humoring you. Or I am unable to commit myself to an involved conversation based on funny things.

Now, I recognize that there are times when people could potentially need to talk to me about something possibly urgent when I am not geared up for conversation. There are several things that can be done. Baked goods work well as conversational lubricant. If you give me baked goods, I will comment on them, thus committing myself to verbal interactions, at which point you may say, "Yeah, I love baked goods, too. Speaking of baked goods, (insert issue here)." Or you could go the old-fashioned route and say, "Matt, I desire to converse with you." Or you could go the whimsical route and say, "The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things..." All of these are valid ways to clue me into the fact that you desire fulfilling conversation with me. I will do my best to respect these rules for you as well.

3) Dating.

I do apologize for not talking about dating for some time. Due to my current schedule the possibility of another dating week this semester is slim. That and I find myself less and less inclined to talk about the same thing over and over again. But seeing as how communication tends to be a vital part of relationships based on the theatrical productions and films I have seen on certain occasions I feel like it flows naturally from the previous point.

Now, there are times when people lack time and energy to engage in developing relationships from scratch. However, no boxed relationship will ever truly substitute for the joy that comes with the family recipe. Take that as you will. I will admit quite frankly that my awareness of things of this nature tends to reside on a low setting. There are so many knobs and I can't have all of them turned to high at once. So I have my professional theatre stuff, my academic pursuits, my job, and my call to teach all turned up pretty high, so naturally the knob controlling dating activity and interest is turned to low. However, I cannot isolate myself from relationships just because I'm busy elsewhere. So the following are certain signs of interest that when used in conjunction with other signs can easily demonstrate interest in "getting with this."

• One could say any of the following, "Here are some baked good. Speaking of baked goods, would you like to pursue a romantic relationships with me?" or "Matt, I desire to converse with you on matters of the heart. Specifically your heart and my heart" or "The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things...". Please only use the latter if there is a clear follow-up to it.
• The phrase "Date me" written somewhere sneaky. That way it is like a game, and I love fun games (however, I hate not fun games, so try this at your own risk).
• Using intriguing commands like "Embrace me with your heart and soul," or "Pursue this (gesturing to yourself)" or "Get on my lips (for proper pronunciation I would request that you talk to either myself or Kameron)".
• A word search. I will drop anything that I am doing to complete a word search.
• Grabbing my face and kissing me. However, this could be awkward if I then said, "Interesting, however I find myself uninspired. Thank you for your time."
• A good game pat to the buttocks. I will be startled, but it's at least a clear sign of interest. Or of congratulations.
• Leaping upon me in a wild embrace. We don't work with metaphors here, so you might literally have to throw yourself at me.

4) Unrestrained vocal volume

This is my final little tidbit for today. Have you ever been sitting at a table in a restaurant, walking down the street, feeding ducks, loitering, or otherwise living your life and all of a sudden you can hear everything that someone is saying from 50 yards away. It can be anything from a "Yo, Steve, whaddup!!!!???" or an "OMG!!! I haven't seen you in ages" or a simple "They never bring me enough chips for my salsa!" While I am certain that someone values these interactions, I do not. Unless I invite you into my circle of attention, I prefer for you to not thrust yourself into it especially if I don't know you. You probably have an interesting life with really awesome stories to tell. But please, tell them at a reasonable volume. I already have to struggle with the idea that people probably exist when I can neither see them nor interact with them. Please don't force me to legitimize your existence when I already struggle to reconcile my own.

Now, some of these may seem silly. Some may seem like a synonym of silly with slight changes in connotation (for example, ridiculous, ludicrous, bonkers, nonsensical, etc.). Some of them might even appear to be an antonym to silly. But I can assure you all that I'm definitely at least serious about the first one. Seriously people, be aware of the world around you while you walk. The rest of the time you're crammed into tiny seats in classrooms in basements of buildings without any windows. The world is an amazing place, so please don't miss it by texting while walking (or driving, which is exceedingly unintelligent).

Sincerely,

Sir Matthew

Albert's Adventures in Wales Pt. 3

So, it turns out I didn't actually write a post covering the last half of our adventures overseas this summer, so I might as well finish it now.

Blaenavon Iron Works - I would also have pictures of Pwll Mawr (Big Pit), but they didn't let me take pictures of the depths of the coal mine. For some reason flash in a black pit is hazardous.

Welsh National Library

Harlech Castle

Criccieth Castle

Walking in the Clouds

On top of Mt. Snowdon

A sheep on Snowdon. Albert got to snack.

The smallest house in Britain actually occupied by real people at one point.

From the walls of Conwy Castle

Eating vanilla slice at the statue of Llewelyn in Conwy

Beaumaris Castle - The put up handrails to keep me off the edge of anything I wanted to be on

Commonly called Llanfair P.G.

Bryn Celli Ddu on the Isle of Anglesey.

Welcome to the Fairy World (Location: Llanberis, North Wales)

Dolbadarn Castle - a fine example of a true Welsh Castle

That says Welsh Slate Museum

The Wool Pit - Stacks on Stacks of Wool

Penrhyn Castle - a fine example of why some people shouldn't have a lot of money.

The coolest part of the whole styleless castle was this sweet tree.

Flint Castle - Not really made of a lot of flint.

Llandaff Cathedral - part of it got blown up in WWII by a falling land mine. Yeah, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

The mighty Celtic Torc. In the building shown below. That's like 2 kilos of solid gold.

The British Museum (so many hours of awesome). Afterwards we went and saw The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night.

The Gadfield Elm Chapel which happens to be the oldest purpose built LDS chapel in the world.

Benbow Pond, where some of the early LDS baptisms in Britain took place.

York Minster

On a hilarious note, the A in Grape used to be a different vowel to denote the type of activity and profession that could be found in this part of York.

Albert wanted a picture at York Minster with Emperor Constantine

I don't remember the name of this abbey, but it was pretty cool looking. We stopped to use the restroom.

Edinburgh Castle

The Harry Potter series began in this cafe. And I write that intentionally without a diacritical mark.

What's in the pie, Albert? Oh, right, haggis, neeps, and tatties.

The Preston LDS temple.

And then, after packing up and going to the airport, Albert, Erasmus, and I shared this delicious Cadbury chocolate with honeycomb candy bar that we got from the vending machine in Dublin.

And there you have it. A brief overview of everything Albert and I did this summer as we traveled throughout the United Kingdom.