Some Groundrules

Dear Humanity,

It has come to my attention that maybe you don't do everything the way that I would prefer. So here I am telling everyone how to be human. And you do not need to bring up the irony of this situation. And now you're all trying to figure out what the irony is. I will now list several complaints and ways to rectify the situations.

1) Walking should require more than moving your legs.

There are many times in my life where I have been walking in a crowd, and all of a sudden the person in front of me slows to a crawl. I think, "What on earth is going on here? Did they pull their hamstring?" But as I maneuver past them I discover that that is incorrect. They've just pulled out their phone and have ceased to use their eyes and their brain to help them walk successfully. Texting and walking is dangerous in the same way that texting and driving is. Say I'm going full-speed ahead and you, on your phone, drift into my lane of walking. You will get annihilated, or I will have to pull some awesome ninja evasive maneuver to keep from hurting you. Either way, you've failed at one of the things that sets humans apart - Walking upright. Other dangerous things that happen when you're on your phone instead of watching where you're going

• Fall down stairs
• Get kidnapped
• Get stabbed to death by an enraged passer-by
• Incite ambulatory road rage leading to you getting a crossbow bolt in the throat
• Run into a trashcan or light pole

As you can plainly see, keep your eyes on the path. If your pocket buzzes, you can see who it is, or if it's an urgent e-mail. But while you are walking it is not the time to respond.

2) Communication requires two people

Unless of course you talk to yourself. But you see, the problem is that not everyone wants to communicate all the time. In fact, most of the time we're just talking at each other without actually saying anything. And the thing is, sometimes you're just busy doing other things and don't have time to communicate or focus on something other than the important business of whatever you're doing. The following are several guidelines to determine if I am willing to communicate with you. Other people might have different ideas, so just apply the following to interactions with me.

• If I have my head down, pen in hand, papers in front of me, then it is probably not the best time.
• If I have headphones in then I will not hear you when you come up behind me and say something.
• Eye contact means you have my attention.
• If I give you three grunts in a row then it's pretty clear that I'm not involved in the conversation. Don't make me grunt a fourth time.
• If you say something funny and I respond with a two syllable laugh, there's a good chance I'm humoring you. Or I am unable to commit myself to an involved conversation based on funny things.

Now, I recognize that there are times when people could potentially need to talk to me about something possibly urgent when I am not geared up for conversation. There are several things that can be done. Baked goods work well as conversational lubricant. If you give me baked goods, I will comment on them, thus committing myself to verbal interactions, at which point you may say, "Yeah, I love baked goods, too. Speaking of baked goods, (insert issue here)." Or you could go the old-fashioned route and say, "Matt, I desire to converse with you." Or you could go the whimsical route and say, "The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things..." All of these are valid ways to clue me into the fact that you desire fulfilling conversation with me. I will do my best to respect these rules for you as well.

3) Dating.

I do apologize for not talking about dating for some time. Due to my current schedule the possibility of another dating week this semester is slim. That and I find myself less and less inclined to talk about the same thing over and over again. But seeing as how communication tends to be a vital part of relationships based on the theatrical productions and films I have seen on certain occasions I feel like it flows naturally from the previous point.

Now, there are times when people lack time and energy to engage in developing relationships from scratch. However, no boxed relationship will ever truly substitute for the joy that comes with the family recipe. Take that as you will. I will admit quite frankly that my awareness of things of this nature tends to reside on a low setting. There are so many knobs and I can't have all of them turned to high at once. So I have my professional theatre stuff, my academic pursuits, my job, and my call to teach all turned up pretty high, so naturally the knob controlling dating activity and interest is turned to low. However, I cannot isolate myself from relationships just because I'm busy elsewhere. So the following are certain signs of interest that when used in conjunction with other signs can easily demonstrate interest in "getting with this."

• One could say any of the following, "Here are some baked good. Speaking of baked goods, would you like to pursue a romantic relationships with me?" or "Matt, I desire to converse with you on matters of the heart. Specifically your heart and my heart" or "The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things...". Please only use the latter if there is a clear follow-up to it.
• The phrase "Date me" written somewhere sneaky. That way it is like a game, and I love fun games (however, I hate not fun games, so try this at your own risk).
• Using intriguing commands like "Embrace me with your heart and soul," or "Pursue this (gesturing to yourself)" or "Get on my lips (for proper pronunciation I would request that you talk to either myself or Kameron)".
• A word search. I will drop anything that I am doing to complete a word search.
• Grabbing my face and kissing me. However, this could be awkward if I then said, "Interesting, however I find myself uninspired. Thank you for your time."
• A good game pat to the buttocks. I will be startled, but it's at least a clear sign of interest. Or of congratulations.
• Leaping upon me in a wild embrace. We don't work with metaphors here, so you might literally have to throw yourself at me.

4) Unrestrained vocal volume

This is my final little tidbit for today. Have you ever been sitting at a table in a restaurant, walking down the street, feeding ducks, loitering, or otherwise living your life and all of a sudden you can hear everything that someone is saying from 50 yards away. It can be anything from a "Yo, Steve, whaddup!!!!???" or an "OMG!!! I haven't seen you in ages" or a simple "They never bring me enough chips for my salsa!" While I am certain that someone values these interactions, I do not. Unless I invite you into my circle of attention, I prefer for you to not thrust yourself into it especially if I don't know you. You probably have an interesting life with really awesome stories to tell. But please, tell them at a reasonable volume. I already have to struggle with the idea that people probably exist when I can neither see them nor interact with them. Please don't force me to legitimize your existence when I already struggle to reconcile my own.

Now, some of these may seem silly. Some may seem like a synonym of silly with slight changes in connotation (for example, ridiculous, ludicrous, bonkers, nonsensical, etc.). Some of them might even appear to be an antonym to silly. But I can assure you all that I'm definitely at least serious about the first one. Seriously people, be aware of the world around you while you walk. The rest of the time you're crammed into tiny seats in classrooms in basements of buildings without any windows. The world is an amazing place, so please don't miss it by texting while walking (or driving, which is exceedingly unintelligent).

Sincerely,

Sir Matthew