Kissing Protocol

Recently a roommate and I got onto the topic of kissing. Now, I wouldn't say that we are experts, but we understand what we like, and surprisingly we share similar views on the topic. Following a small and potentially imaginary survey I decided to compile all the data to really discuss the finer points of kissing. 

First off, do not disregard this post even if you are sure as shootin' you're a good kisser. Be forewarned, creativity and quality are not synonyms. 

Secondly, some of this post will actually focus on the qualities of relationships that make kissing someone an enjoyable experience. Generally that someone is the person with whom you are in a relationship. If it is not, then I don't think my post will help you very much in your current circumstances.

Thirdly, I am not an expert. I will say upfront with pride that my kissing experience is limited to four ladies. Plus two on stage, but that's a different ballgame and really is sort of like kissing a wall. Ain't no joy in that (unless you have a thing for walls, in which case my simile fails)(Although one time that wall was very attractive and seemed to really enjoy herself). But let's get down to brass tacks.

Kissing is a wonderful thing when done correctly. We've all seen movie kisses. They range from Disney to "What on earth!?", but I think we all have our own lines we've drawn in our minds that help us determine when to say either "That is so cute and they love each other so much" or "I am so glad my mother is not here." With that in mind, I think we all understand in our own lives (unless you have never done any kissing, in which case I apologize and instead of reading this you should be out getting yourself a man or lady friend) when a kiss ceases to be an expression of love and becomes a ferocious game of face-battling. Face-battling is not good. Tender is good.

Of all those surveyed, we have all experienced a relationship where kissing ceases to be awesome and becomes a chore. You should never get that point. Here are some professional tips to avoid such a fate:

1) Do something other than kissing. That which you do the most will very quickly become boring. That's why, unless you are me, you cannot handle eating the same cereal every morning for years upon years. Have a conversation. Look at the stars. Actually watch that movie. Discuss the symbolism found within a piece of art and the emotions it evokes in you. Make (and eat) breakfast. There are a lot of things you can do besides kissing.

2) There is an elegance in simplicity. There have been kisses where I have said silently within my head, "What on earth is going on?" Not a good question to have to ask yourself. "Passionate Kissing" is not always a passionate thing, but very often is a confusing, sloppy, moist thing that boggles my mind. Never try to accomplish too much. Breath frequently. Break contact. Do not try to see if you can perform the Dementor's kiss.

3) Kiss like you mean it. In fact, I am a big fan of only kissing when you mean it. Have I always done that, not necessarily. Do I wish I had? Yes. While making out with strangers may seem exciting, it pales in comparison to kissing someone you really care about. Well, I've never made out with a stranger, so I can't exactly make that call, but I have kissed someone I really cared about before, and that was pretty great. In fact, the first time we kissed she cried, which I'm going to assume was because of overwhelming emotion and not because it was unpleasant. I guess I never asked, so it could have just been extreme disappointment, but if it was then continuing to date me for over a year really seems like the wrong choice.

Let's be honest. Kissing is really only enjoyable when it's with someone you care about. There was a time in my life where I thought just the act of kissing was awesome and failed to mentally connect it with the emotions that were already there and the deep caring, trust, and connection that permeated the relationships. If you think about it, kissing is sort of weird. We press our faces together, connecting the openings of our digestive system, and sometimes include in that connection the usage of a wet, prehensile muscle of the mouth. And yet it's oftentimes a sweet expression of love and affection.

But I promised protocol in the title. Here are my rules:

A) Understand that most of the public doesn't really want to watch. A brief, affectionate kiss is a great way to say goodbye or hello to your significant other. More than that is uncomfortable.

B) Don't kiss in Sacrament Meeting. Shoot, I don't even like when people give shoulder massages in church. Hold hands, put your arm around her shoulders, shoot, if you have to give a back scratch then do it (but make it brief).

C) "Making Out" should be a rare occurrence. 

D) Kissing on a dude or lady with the sole purpose of lengthening the time spent together should be avoided. If someone must leave, then leaving must occur.

E) Kisses on the cheek are acceptable at almost all times (except Sacrament Meeting). That's just cute, and cuteness should be encouraged. Also it's a great way to demonstrate affection if your significant other is ill. Being sick together is not romantic.

F) If I see a couple doing an eskimo kiss, or a butterfly kiss, or kissin' on each other's noses, I feel inclined to punch. You may think you're circumventing my "In Public" rules, but you are not.

G) Dental hygiene. Enough said. But I'll say more. No one wants to know what you had for dinner several hours ago, and they definitely don't want to find out mid-liplock.

H) This has nothing to do with kissing, but pet names are weird. "Honey" is acceptable, as is "Sugar." If you get more creative than that, at least spare me when I'm around.

I) Do not kiss brains out. I know, I know, I'm making a rule that contradicts my favorite post-date question.

J) I'm sure you've heard some people talk about a 3-second rule with kissing. My rule is this: Let the kiss take the time the kiss should take, but do not force a kiss to go longer than it should. Feel the energy of the situation and kiss accordingly.

K) The first time you want to kiss someone and you feel like they want to kiss you too, don't do it. Almost, but not quite. This "Not-kissed-yet" tension is a wonderful thing that will just make the actual first kiss so much more awesome. Believe me, I have never had a bad first kiss. Make that eye contact for a little bit, and then bring her in for a good, long hug. And you're welcome, the stage is set for next time.

And there you have it. Those are my thoughts and rules regarding kissing. Take what you want from it. While I'm at it I'll probably write a couple more dating posts over the next few days, sort of an informal dating week as February approaches. If you have gotten to the bottom of this post and think, "Wait, I don't even know how to kiss," here's a WikiHow article for you

Rules to Live By

If you've spent any significant amount of time around me you have heard me say, "I only live by one rule," and then state a rule. If you've spent more than that amount of time around me you've probably heard me say that followed by multiple different rules, thus proving that I don't really live by only one rule. I decided that maybe it's about time to go on record with all the only rules I try to live by.

#1 - No Double Dipping

This is the most elementary of rules and has proven to be the one I have seen violated most frequently by those around me. And I'm not just talking about the blatant disregard of this rule demonstrated by my sisters-in-law with mozzarella sticks and marinara sauce. That's right, I haven't forgotten that. I believe that it extends into metaphorical realms as well. You found Divergent to be unoriginal, poorly written, and frustratingly cruddy? A second reading will not fix those problems, and continuing with that ill-fated series will only bring you sorrow. You dated a girl, broke up with her, and are now considering getting back together with her a couple weeks later? Is she or are you a fundamentally different person now? Have the issues that led to the initial break-up miraculously evaporated? No double dipping! I am aware that you all have friends or relatives or social acquaintances that double-dipped and got hitched and are happy, but you know what? I stand by what I believe. You graduated from High School and said to yourself, "Well, that was fun, but I'm never doing theatre again," but that opportunity to audition has come up after three years of theatre deprivation? I understand, and you have my permission to double-dip.

#2 - Go Big or Go Home

Just because I frequently choose the "Go Home" option does not mean I believe any less in this rule. If you are going to do something but are unwilling to invest yourself, then don't do it. Unless you have to. And if you have to then you might as well do your best. If it's worth doing then it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing but you still find yourself obligated to do it, then consider it practice for the next time you need to go big. In fact, most of the time my "Go Home" option is the best way to "Go Big."

#3 - Don't Knock It Until You Try It

Unless trying it would be in direct violation of the commandments of God. Then you still don't necessarily need to knock it, just stand firm in your beliefs. But when it comes to non-soul-affecting choices I live by this rule. There have been a lot of things that I have found joy in that I initially would have mocked and knocked, and even when I did not find joy in it I gained a greater appreciation for the effort and skill involved. Ballet (dance in general), hard as all get out. Mad respect. Being a vegetarian, not my cup of tea. Mad respect. Peanut butter and pickle sandwiches, better than you would think. Mad respect to anyone who decides to try one after reading this post. I have a long list of things that I would like to try so that I am able to knock those things, but I won't knock them until I have tried them.

#4 - Always Accept "No" for an Answer

Your mind is boggled because I said always instead of never. Here's why: when most people say no, they say no for pretty good reasons. If you refuse to accept that no, then you are saying you do not respect their decision making ability and instead believe you should manipulate them to acquiesce to your requests. Maybe it's just me, but if someone accepts my no with dignity then I'm much more likely to consider their future proposals and say yes. If they refuse to accept my no we very quickly reach an impasse where stubbornness reaches critical mass. And just think about it. Do you really want everyone to say yes all the time? Especially if it's a begrudging yes? And no is much better than a half-hearted yes in many instances. Dating, crazy ideas, invitations to go on sweet adventures, borrowing things. In all of these instances a reluctant and forced yes will result in complaining, poor attitudes, and enragedness. If someone is firm with a no, accept it and move on.

#5 - When in Doubt, Ask Your Mother

I don't know your mother (actually, I might have met her depending on who you are), but I definitely know my mother. And my mother is almost 100% right at least 90% of the time. Unless she is asking the question and it is either "Where is my cell phone?" or "Where are the keys?" or "Do I already own a copy of Cold Sassy Tree?" Then it's really anyone's guess. But I can say with some certainty that her counsel has been helpful in almost every major life decision I have made. She is one of maybe three people I would allow to set me up with someone. Trust your mother. She raised you. Or trust my mother. She raised me.

#6 - Respect

Now, I'm not advocating just thoughtlessly giving respect to everyone and everything you come in contact with. I do believe that people earn respect. But I also believe that it's never acceptable to act disrespectfully. Remember the old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Well, it actually holds a lot of water. It's like a sponge. But even beyond saying things and speaking in respectful tones and treating everyone like human beings, rarely if ever is it acceptable to storm off, to get all huffy, to yell at folks, to claim incompetence just because you are frustrated, or to bite someone you dislike. A wise man (who I believe to be the Savior of the world) proposed a golden rule about treating others as you would like to be treated. While at times difficult (just ask about all the fun times I had in the Houston airport on my way back to Utah), it bears remembering that everyone is a human being (except for Sasquatch. He's a Sasquatch) and life isn't easy for anyone. So why not just try to not make it harder for anyone else?

Those are probably the six main ones, you know, along with the obvious "Keep the commandments" one. I do have more rules, but those are more specific to situation or circumstance. I have very strict rules regarding which pants to wear ("Is there a stain anywhere on them? If not, then wear them" and "Will your legs freeze if you wear shorts? If not, then wear shorts") and which girls to ask on dates (Is she attractive and at least mildly interesting? Might as well). My fashion rules are less hard and fast (Wear clothes if the situation would be negatively affected by not wearing clothes). Movie and entertainment rules are quite fluid (If it's interesting I'll watch it. If it has explosions I'll watch it again). All in all I try to live simply. Maybe I'll expand my rules list one day, but for now these rules pretty much cover most areas of my life just fine.

Top 5 Disney Heroines

I would like to state up front that my criteria for my selection of my five favorite heroines is shaky at best. A healthy level of sass will often be the tipping point into my top ten, but trimming it down to 5 requires finesse and a very selective process of thinking, "If she were a real person, would I have considered dating her when I was 16, 20, 25, or all of the above?" Subjective? Yes, but all favorite lists must be subjective.

MATT FIFE'S FAVORITE FIVE DISNEY HEROINES

Belle

Now, in my villain post I did say that I am listing these in no particular order, and that remains true with one exception, Belle is and will for the foreseeable future remain my #1 favorite Disney heroine. Was she the first female to have a decisive role in the plot of a Disney animated feature? Yes. Let's look at her credentials. She's smart, a booklover, sassy enough to reject Gaston, sassy enough to stand up to the Beast, loving enough to put the well-being of others first, sacrifices the possibility of being with the Beast romantically in order to care for her ailing father, breaks a decade-old spell, fights wolves, and let's not forget the time she miraculously lifted the probably 300 lbs. Beast onto her horse in a snowstorm with wolves hanging around in the woods. And she turned the cold, angry heart of the Beast into that of a refined gentleman. Now, he had that kernel within him so Belle wasn't so much changing him as nurturing the good in him, but still, an impressive feat for any woman. I mean, did you see the way he used to eat his breakfast? And on that note, she's willing and tactful enough to compromise. "So the spoon is too tiny for his giant beast hands? Well then let's compromise to tastefully drink the porridge so that he doesn't feel like an idiot." Belle, you've forever ruined me (though I no longer eat my porridge like a beast, so I'm not completely ruined).

Ariel

Is she a teenager and does it show? Yes. But wouldn't you also run to the sea witch (who happens to be your only living older female relative) if your father had just thrown a temper tantrum and blown up your carefully curated human oddities collection with his trident lasers? I would. And despite the setbacks she faces (losing her voice, entering a completely unfamiliar world, getting shot at with trident lasers by her aunt) she never gives up in the pursuit of her goals. She is fearless (have you ever jumped a gap that large in a heavy open carriage pulled by one horse?), she is talented (best voice of all of Triton's daughters), she sticks to her guns (every night she combs her hair with a fork), and she fights for what she believes in (which happens to be an end to prejudice and opening diplomatic channels between humans and merpeople). The only downside is that she's just a little bit of a hoarder, but everyone has some idiosyncrasies. And without Ariel who would the gingers have had to look up to for the past 25 years?

Jasmine

The sass level here is off the scale. She does not hold back when she finds out Aladdin has been lying to her, though unfortunately she is taken in by the more extravagant lies he uses to cover the lies he has already told. This would not have happened if Aladdin were not such a world-class liar and con-man. Another unfortunate hiccup for her character is her poor money-management. In fact, she doesn't understand money at all or how the world works. But she loves her father, believes in an end to antiquated and sexist social custom, has a pet tiger, puts her trust in the right people, is athletic enough to climb out of the palace and pole-vault from roof to roof, and maintains a bearing of confidence and authority in less-than-perfect circumstances. Yes, she kissed Jafar, but in her defense she was functioning within the system to bring down the unjust system, so we let that slide. And through all of this she doesn't just rush headlong into marriage. Aladdin has to woo her for three movies before they actually get married. Talk about courtship.

Rapunzel

I bet you thought I was stuck pre-95, but let this be proof that I am not. That girl has so much hair and so much sassyness. With her frying pan in hand she boldly and bravely steps into the unknown. The only thing that could have made her character stronger is if she had decided to cut her hair instead of Flynn doing it for her, but it was sort of a traumatic moment and I can understand that she probably wasn't thinking super clearly. One of the greatest qualities of Rapunzel is that she unflinchingly pursues her dream while treating everyone with love and respect, thus inspiring them to follow their own dreams. She is as well-read as was within her power, is quite skilled in the domestic arena, and has an artistic soul. Instead of being a domineering force in the film, the character of Rapunzel and that of Flynn worked together to form an equal partnership filled with wonder, trust, and sacrifice.

Eilonwy

I will admit up front that much of my estimation of her character is influenced by the books which were so senselessly violated in the creation of this particular film, but I believe much of the essence of Eilonwy came through. In an effort to hide their shame, Disney does not often count her amongst their Disney Princesses even though she is very clearly the last princess of Llyr. Not only that, but she is a no-nonsense type of person. Who is always there to bring Taran back to reality? Eilonwy. Who consistently saves the day? Eilonwy. Who (in the books) sacrifices her claim to nearly limitless magical power to save her friends? Eilonwy. Who is instrumental in destroying the Horned King, the Black Cauldron, Taran's pompousity, Achren's evil power, and Arawn the Death-Lord? Eilonwy. And if this is piquing anyone's interest in the novels, I will happily lend them to you. But stepping back to limiting myself to the actual Disney versions of the characters, she is good-natured, shows poor, humble Gurgi tenderness when everyone else hates him, cares deeply for her friends, and has a magical bauble. Yes, her voice in the film will get on your nerves just a little bit, but let's face the ultimate, deciding factor as to what puts her in the top 5. She is openly, unabashedly, and unreservedly Welsh.

Honorable Mentions

Two other heroines deserve mention in this list, namely Mulan and Pocahontas. Both demonstrate great courage, fortitude, and resolve in the face hardship. And Mulan went up against one of the most ruthless villains (Shan Yu, who should have been an honorable mention on my Disney villain list) without so much as blinking, while Pocahontas fought the greatest villain, ignorance and racism. Mulan should actually probably have her own entry because she did everything for her family and for China, and just about nothing for Shang, showing that it's not always about the man, but there's no shame in accepting his advances once the crisis has passed.

Conspicuously Absent

Aurora - her contribution to the film was singing, and then pricking her finger on a spindle. While probably in the top three for most attractive Disney Princesses, there is not enough character development for her to make it onto this list. The list for top 4 most attractive Disney Princesses is Belle, Aurora, Ariel, and Jasmine. Getting it to 3 is actually really hard. Feel free to disagree.

Merida - Every time someone says, "Finally, a Disney princess that's a good role-model for girls," I want to punch them in the face. Come on people, we have Belle. Why is Merida a role-model? Because she resorts to magic to get her way after throwing a hissy-fit when she refuses to listen to her mother, and then backpedals for the duration of the movie? No thanks, I'll stick to people that function on principles of love and sacrifice. Merida is not a strong character, and you can lynch me later if you want. Bull-headed? Stubborn? Disobedient? Manipulative? Disrespectful? Hot-tempered? Yes. Strong? Not so much.

Anyone from Frozen or that frog movie - I haven't seen them. I may never see that frog one.

Live-action Disney Females - I just assumed it went without saying that I was sticking to animated features. If not then the live-action Alice from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland makes it into the top ten and has a pretty good shot at making top 5 if I ignore Welshness as a determining factor. And Giselle, but that's mainly just because I love Amy Adams, though Giselle does show great determination and self-possession, rescuing Patrick Dempsey from certain death.

Top 5 Disney Villains

I've decided to attempt this. After a quarter of a century watching and re-watching Disney films I am now prepared to present my five favorite Disney villains and heroines in two separate blog posts (it's too long if it's all one). I imagine I could possibly offend some people by leaving their favorite villains off of my list. I also imagine I will offend fewer folks for my choices in heroines. And before anyone hangs me for potentially listing a non-princess, I very clearly wrote heroine and refuse to be constrained by the extremely fluid definition of a Disney princess. Please note that I am not ranking these characters because to do so would only make it more difficult for me, so they shall be collectively a top five.

MATT FIFE'S FAVORITE DISNEY VILLAINS

Scar

Not only is Scar voiced by Jeremy Irons, but he is the only Disney villain to commit murder on screen. Not only murder, but a fascinating compound of fratricide, regicide, and coup d'etat all rolled into one heartless action. Not stopping there, he convinces Simba that he is the guilty party, which guilt leads Simba to run away leaving the door open for Scar to take complete and uncontested control of the Pride Lands. Really a brilliant villain. His only real mistake (aside from cold-blooded and calculated murder) was lacking the logistical skills to give his reign longevity. If he had just understood the circle of life better (and you know his and Mufasa's dad taught it to both of them), then Nala would have never had a reason to go looking for help to overthrow the tyrant. The caution here: Know something about running a kingdom before the coup.

Ursula

Voiced by Pat Carroll, whose acting credentials make almost everyone else look inexperienced, Ursula brings the greatest level of sass to the Disney villain table. And in certain versions of the story she's King Triton's sister, which just makes her that much more sinister. She manipulates Ariel in order to get revenge on Triton using a completely legal contract. Sure Triton is the king of the ocean, but he can't just blow up legally binding magical contracts at will. She gets her evil goals by playing within the structure of the game. Not an easy task. If she had demonstrated the same patience in dealing with Ariel as she did with Triton then she'd still be queen. Just think, if she had turned Ariel into a human again, then there would be absolutely nothing Ariel could have done to stop Ursula from reigning supreme.

Gaston

He is so manly. The dude hunts, uses antlers in all of his decorating, and has his own special chair in the tavern. All the ladies love him. Though every last inch of him is covered in hair, it apparently is not enough for Belle who decides to pursue an even hairier individual. Some would argue that he is not really a villain, but he does plot to have Belle's father thrown into an insane asylum so that he can have leverage in marriage negotiations with Belle, and then when he finds out there is another suitor who happens to live in that old castle out in the woods that no one has bothered to check on in the past decade despite it being owned by like a 12 year old kid within living memory, he proceeds to knife him. While he may not be as intelligent or devious as the other villains, he, for the first time in Disney history, challenged the concept of the outward/inward beauty connection while at the same time initiating one of my favorite Disney songs ever, "Kill the Beast."

Jafar

You look at him and think, "With facial hair like that he must be evil." And he is. Manipulative in the extreme, lacking a moral compass, willing to unscrupulously use magic to achieve his goals, and full of hilarious one-liners (Perhaps you'd like to see how ssss-snake-like I can beee!!!), Jafar is such a successful villain that they made a sequel and entitled it The Return of Jafar. From vizier, to sultan, to sorcerer, to genie, this tall gangle-creature probably continues to haunt the dark corners of my mind. I'm willing to bet that many a fear of snakes has been instigated by watching Aladdin. Unlike Gaston, who makes some pretense of wooing Belle, Jafar just up and enslaves Jasmine. His great failing was his lust for power, but that's also what makes him so effective leading up to the fatal "Make me an all powerful genie" wish. He is so deceptive himself and so calculating and manipulative that he immediately smells a (street) rat when Prince Ali shows up on the scene. When he was trying to warn the Sultan about Prince Ali he was actually doing his job. Hopefully no one wishes him free anytime soon.

Maleficent

What do you do when you don't receive an invite to the social engagement of the year? I bet you don't magically appear and curse a baby to die, do you? I didn't think so. In my opinion no list of Disney villains is complete without Maleficent. She is expert in the use of dark magic, can turn into a very terrifying dragon, and took gardening classes from Satan himself. And her back up plan to counter the weakening of her original curse (death to eternal slumber with the option of release) is to capture Phillip and keep him prisoner until he's wicked old and then let him kiss Aurora. Could she go ahead and kill everyone in the kingdom while they are asleep? Yes. Does she? No, because for her it's not about ruling the kingdom or getting even. She just wants everyone to be miserable and suffer because she felt insulted. Why kill a girl when you can force her to marry her true love with a 70-year age difference? Genius. If she had hired more reliable minions, and if the good fairies hadn't cheated on the whole flying sword thing, then she would have been completely successful.

In closing on this list of villains, I would like to point something out. These Disney villains, with the possible exception of Scar, are not the true ruthless characters in these movies. Let's violently shift these hierarchies to reveal some of the underlying brokenness of the Disney moral compass. It's the "heroes" that truly hold darkness in their souls. Aladdin manipulates and enslaves Jafar, Eric impales Ursula with a ship, Phillip stabs Maleficent to death with a magic sword, Beast lets Gaston fall to his death, and Simba turns his back as Scar is brutally torn apart by hyenas. And the list goes on and on with examples of Disney hero-to-villain cruelty. If they really wanted to uphold the law then they should have subdued the individual and made them stand trial before a jury of their peers. Instead they resort to street justice, demonstrating that they are far from civilized, instead sinking oftentimes to the level or below the level of the villain in question.