Lunar Thoughts

The Moon. The final frontier. The last harbor of discovery. The great eye of nighttime. The original waterbender. The sky-mother. The paragon woman (ever changing, ever unchangeable).

Call her what you want, but she's up there, right now, hanging out around earth, the uncool friend of the cool kid at the party [which is humorous because I imagine the surface of the moon is frigid (I did say paragon woman, didn't I? Kidding, only kidding), what with no atmosphere and all].

Why has the moon fascinated man for so long (Paragon woman?) with so few answers. As far as we know the moon really is made of cheese. Some of you may say, "But Matt, we've been to the moon. It's made out of rocks." I reply simply, "Have you tasted moon rock? Maybe it is hard cheese. Or maybe moon people like rocks in their cheese, and we just took an ignorant moon sample." And if you try to say that I'm being silly, I can only assume that you don't believe in Sasquatch's existence either, and we have nothing more to discuss.

And yes, there are indubitably moon people. Who else has been mining the moon surface? Mining?! Yes. You didn't think those deep craters and pits occurred naturally, did you? What's that you say? They're from asteroids hitting it? That's preposterous. I have never seen an asteroid hit the moon. Your hypothesis has just been proven not true.

And so, when I look up at the moon, be it waxing gibbous or waning crescent, I am filled with wonder. I was told once, and I have yet to prove it, that we see the same face of the moon every night. The rotation and revolution of the moon match up so perfectly that it is always facing us. We never get a profile view, and it definitely never turns its back on us (which someone should tell it is the second strongest acting position if done with a purpose). And yet somehow the light it generates changes over the course of a 28 day period.

Some would call this moon magic, and I would be inclined to agree if I did not know the truth. Science! The moon people have a migrating city. What we see as moonlight is simply the lights from their megalopolis which slowly migrates across the moon's face. Now how the city moves is moon magic, and their cloaking devices are also powered by moon magic. You can naysay all you want, but you've never been there. I have. And I read about it on the internet in the future on a guy's blog. You can't lie on the internet.

You need evidence of moon magic? Tides. In your face. Residual moon magic, but moon magic nonetheless. You need more evidence? When you see the moon during the day, it's sort of dull and gray, but once nighttime hits, they turn the lights on up there. Moon magic. You still want more moon magic? Werewolves. Enough said.

Unfortunately that's about all I have time for, and that pretty much sums up my thoughts about the moon. A beautiful and yet terrible queen (of the moon people). Tune in soon for my discussion of how lightning is an expression of celestial rage. And a discussion of the relative merits of American pyromantic furculomancy.