When I first started ranting about the BYUSA on Wednesday, I did not honestly think anything of it. I habitually rant, and I have come to the conclusion that no one really cares. But apparently I touched a nerve with the BYU community. People have asked me questions, shared their perspectives, and put me in contact with candidates running for BYUSA President. Shoot, the post about the problems with the BYUSA election has received well over 100 views, dwarfing my 15 views per post average (and I thought over 30 was impressive when I posted pictures of my niece). My post about the Friendzone still remains my highest viewed.
Unfortunately, the effect has been as infuriating as the cause, like trying to dig a hole in a pool of water with your hands. This post constitutes my response to responses.
On Wednesday night a friend of mine posted a link to my post on the wall of one of the candidates. I will not use names because to be perfectly honest, the candidates are pretty much the same people so it doesn't matter. The ensuing comment thread was fascinating. The candidate managed to say a lot and absolutely nothing at exactly the same time. A true politician in the making. The candidate acknowledged that the points I made were valid and that there are significant problems on BYU campus that need addressing. However, the candidate informed me that the BYUSA is essentially powerless, with every decision they want to make going through the administration. So, in effect, the BYUSA is less student government and more student lobbying committee.
Along with that, the candidates for President and Executive VP are chosen not by primary, not by the voice of the people, but by the administration. So I guess the best way for any of you young folk to get into a position of fictional power from which you can act like you can change things when in all actuality you are powerless is to get into the BYUSA machine early and act like the perfect lap dog. And then, once elected into pseudo-power, you make your position known. Wait, you can't do that. And I'll show you why by continuing the story.
Eventually the candidate stated that they were working on some "real issue" projects with the Student Advisory Council. I naturally asked what those real issue projects were, what the candidate really stood for aside from their bubbly platform and less-than-worthwhile initiatives. But I had to get up early and go tour to an elementary school in the morning, teaching them about how important it is to stand up for what you believe in, so I left the conversation and looked forward to reading the response in the morning. But lo and behold, when I checked at 5:30 AM the following morning, a mere six hours removed from the conversation, it was nowhere to be found.
The link, the entire comment thread, everything had been deleted, and instead there was a message waiting for me in my inbox that essentially said, "I am a supporter of X Candidate and I have been recruited to talk to you because of this one class we took together three years ago. Would you kindly delete your comments on the thread? While X Candidate does honestly believe in important things, X Candidate cannot publicly support anything of value or substance for fear of being disqualified from the presidential race. (and this is an exact quote) We know that this is stupid but what else can we do? We don't want to get X Candidate disqualified for something so petty. Thank you."
My response, "I find it shameful that we live in a community in which free speech and the right to express opinions are neither encouraged nor allowed."
The response back, "Well I am glad I could help shed some light on the subject."
Really? Free speech, being allowed to say what you actually stand for, is petty? I don't know what light was thrown onto the subject. So not only are candidates hand-picked by the people they will be lobbying to (not for), but they will also be disqualified if they go off-script? I honestly don't know if this is a rabbit hole I wanted to go down, but I did and now I have to reconcile my mind to the seedy underbelly of BYU politics.
What exactly are we teaching our students? I guess we're teaching them exactly how politics works in the real world. But shouldn't we instead be teaching them how politics should work? How our founding fathers intended in the Constitution of the United States of America? My ancestors fought and bled for the rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. My ancestors left religiously oppressive areas to come to the United States in search of true freedom. My ancestors crossed the plains to escape the hypocrisy and persecution of the East and establish a community where truth and honor and faith and tolerance could stand paramount.
I am not a lawyer. The extent of my training in the Constitution was my American Heritage credit. I am a theatre major. Maybe my opinion doesn't really count. But I believe the right to free speech should be guaranteed to all citizens of the United States, to all people everywhere, and that no private institution has the right to limit or govern free speech. I believe that every level of government, federal, state, local, even student, should be representative of the people that it governs. I believe I have the right to express my voice, not the voice that the administration or the BYUSA says I should have, but the voice that comes directly from my soul, that is inherent in my being.
Unfortunately I cannot be at the information meeting for the candidates in the Varsity Theatre on Thursday at 11:00. And that right there is information I had to go to four different websites to get. But I invite you to go and ask real, thought-provoking, difficult questions. Chances are you'll get infuriating answers. You might even get silenced and asked to leave. In fact, chances are they have already collected questions ahead of time so as to vet them for appropriateness to the script established by the higher-ups. But at least you're making your voice heard. The question is not why BYUSA exists, but how can we the people take it back and help it fulfill the purpose for its own creation. It's the Student Service Association. It's the Student Leadership of BYU. It should be representative of us, but everyone that has responded to my original post agrees that it is broken.
In the end, our protestations will go unheard. Our complaints will go ignored. Our questions will go unanswered. Our hopes will go unfulfilled. But I'd rather stand for something and fail than stand for nothing and be elected into the fiction of power.
So to answer the question posed by the supporter of the candidate, "What else can we do?" I say this - So what if you get disqualified? The path of least resistance makes rivers, and men, crooked. There is nothing petty about standing up for what you believe in.
P.S. I love BYU. I have no qualms with my academic career. My only complaint against Utah is that it is filled with coldness (literally and figuratively). I find the quality of education I receive to be stellar and at least the equivalent of my previous university. I respect our administration, the BYU Council, and those that have decided to accept the nomination for student government and get involved in the process. I recognize your jobs are difficult and time consuming. I just also happen to believe there is a better way to do them.
EDIT:
Since writing this post I have had the opportunity to read the full transcript of the aforementioned conversation. I would like to point out that a position was taken that seemed supportive of change, and more about the rusty insides of the BYU government machine were revealed. While I cannot publicly endorse the candidate, they do seem to have a good head on their shoulders and a good heart. I doubt they will make any difference, but I wish them the best of luck.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
My Feelings About the BYUSA
So apparently it is that time of year again. You will probably start seeing booths, avoiding overly enthusiastic volunteers, and ignoring Facebook posts about getting involved. Yes, surprisingly the BYUSA is still in existence and it is time to elect a new president. In an effort to not just rant about the uselessness of the BYUSA, I have gone to the respective websites of the candidates and read everything on each of them. It took me five minutes to digest their inspiring plans for change around BYU.
Now I have been quoted as saying that the election of a BYUSA president is about as effective as electing Head Unicorn. In the end your vote makes no real difference, but the unicorns sure feel good about it. I stand by this 100%.
In my three years at this university, I have yet to find that the BYUSA makes any difference in my life. And just so you BYUSA fans know, it has not affected my involvement in the least. I am involved in theatre, working anywhere from one to three productions a semester. I have been involved with clubs, gone to sporting events, helped with orientation, and enjoyed my fair share of free t-shirts (if you hang around the WILK long enough, you can rack up a significant tally). Involvement is not my problem.
But through my involvement I have noticed significant issues that our student "leadership" seems unwilling to address. In fact, it feels a lot like high school elections. At the end of the day, they don't lead anyone and none of their decisions make a whole lot of difference (except for that missing $20,000 a year or so ago. I never followed up to see if they figured out where that had gone).
I would sum up the initiatives of the respective candidates, but that would be too short. So I'll just give you full details. Amberly and Austin want to improve academics by putting a vending machine in the snack zone of the library, they want to organize fun trips that students can go on (like hiking and mountain biking and going to sporting events), and they would like to create an all-arts pass. Brandon and Erika (whose website design is significantly better) want to make the BYUSA the involvement hub of the university, create a comprehensive student calendar, stop predatory towing and booting, fill the Student Advisory Council with capable people (what does this say about their opinion of the current SAC), and increase school spirit with an end of the year event and the "BYU-ification" of Provo. I will now address these initiatives that are supposed to change our world here at BYU. I'll do it by candidate.
Amberly and Austin
A vending machine? That's how you revolutionize academics at BYU? Last I heard we weren't doing too bad academically. Apparently not having a vending machine wastes valuable study time because people have to go somewhere else to get snacks. Because planning ahead of time is silly.
I've gone on lots of fun adventures, made tons of memories, and made lots of friends without the BYUSA ever telling me to do so. There are over 30,000 students at this university. You want us to all go down and mountain bike in Moab? I can guarantee that at least everyone in the BYUSA will go, and that's all the impact you've ever had in the past. So I say go for it. I like the blatantly irresponsible use of your budget. Gives me something to be proud of.
Now for the All-Arts Pass. I don't disagree on any particular point with this idea. I would love it if the campus as a whole invested in cultural capital. Unfortunately this would require a monumental shift in what we value as a campus. You can tell exactly what a community values by what they subsidize. The government subsidizes farm production because we as Americans like to eat. At the University of Utah and UVU, the administration subsidizes tickets to art events. In fact, at the UofU you also get significantly cheaper tickets to productions at Pioneer Theatre Company, one of the only Equity theatres in the state. At BYU? We get cheaper sports tickets. Sure, the College of Fine Arts does offer student prices on arts tickets. When I only have to pay $20 instead of $24, I am eternally grateful. The problem is you cannot have both an All-Sports Pass and an All-Arts Pass because you cannot spread subsidies that thin or else they don't really lower prices much at all. And I dare you to try to take away money from the multi-million dollar sports program. How much does Bronco make? And we need to subsidize sports? That's a fight for a different day. By the way, the All-Arts Pass already exists. It's called Season Tickets, and lots of older folks buy them.
Brandon and Erika
Nice website. Making the BYUSA the "involvement hub" of the university. Unnecessary. You want to connect with participation and leadership opportunities around campus? There is absolutely nothing stopping you. We already have a Center for Service and Learning. We already have club night. We already have classes that require community service. All of the resources already exist, and they all exist pretty much in the same building. Why do we need them in the safe office? Especially because the other offices would still stay open. I haven't noticed this part of my BYU experience suffer for lack of super-centralization.
A student calendar. Well, it already sort of exists. If you go the BYU homepage, it has a week at a time of all the noteworthy events coming up on campus. If you want even more, it's all easily accessible. The Academic calendar, the BYUarts calendar, the Sports Calendar. They're all right there. And don't get me started on the BYU app. Back in my day I didn't need an app to go to school. I still don't.
Predatory towing and booting. I'm against it. I think that it should be addressed. The website gives a good definition and suggests the BYUSA leadership work with the mayor to get something done about it. My main concern is that it says that we can get more information about the issue by visiting the mayor's blog. So the mayor is already aware of this problem? The mayor already recognizes it as a problem? The mayor has commented on it? And your BYUSA involvement in the issue does what exactly?
I accept that you want to fill the Student Advisory Council with capable and effective people. I didn't know there was one. I guess that shows how much the SAC has changed my life. Maybe if we eliminated the BYUSA and gave the SAC some real power there would be incentive for it to be effective and capable. Except then you'd have to drop the A. If you have power to do things you are no longer advising anyone. Like a congress. A student congress. With power to put things before the administration. Like a democracy. No, that wouldn't work. We are at BYU after all.
And finally I address the concepts of school spirit and BYU-ifying Provo. Personally, I tolerate Provo the way it is. I go to BYU, I enjoy my time there, but if I don't want to then I don't have to deal with it when I go to Smith's. I am wary of the term "BYU-ify" and what it entails. And school spirit, honestly it'd be easier if we had awesome sports teams. Not that we should only cheer for good teams. But if our football team knew that it was playing football, well shoot dang, I'd support them. Again I reiterate the point that there are over 30,000 students on this campus with a wide array of priorities and involvement, with different backgrounds and different futures. And yet we seem to want to homogenize instead of unify. I'm not saying don't organize tailgates before a big football game. I'm saying that we have a fundamental misinterpretation of what the word unity means (if you don't believe me, sit in the WILK and count the number of hairstyles that men wear. I got three last time). And don't we already organize tailgates and stuff like that? Do you just want to do more of that? Okay. Oh, and there is an End-of-Year event. It's call graduation.
Matt Fife
That heading is just to let you know that I'm moving on.
Out of all the problems and concerns that BYU faces, I cannot believe that our student "leadership" chooses these things to focus on. It's the Mormon thing to do (and I'm talking culture, not the LDS faith). There is something rotten in the state of Denmark, so let's throw some parties and install a couple vending machines. Let's make perky and pretty campaign slogans and websites and videos and act like there aren't any real problems. Let's make sure that we all look good to each other, regardless of what we actually think or do. It's about appearances, and that's what this whole race is. In the end, it will be a popularity contest.
What issues are you talking about, Matt? Well, have you ever noticed how diversity is neither present nor encouraged at our university? You have two types of students - those that are reluctant to look beyond their own perspective, and those that are so open-minded that it is ludicrous (I am reminded of a letter to the editor of the Universe complaining about how all the cross-walk men are white). There are things we refuse to talk about like the LGBT community on campus, divorcees (I read an article in the Universe that pretty much said that divorcees at BYU live in constant trepidation that someone will find out they are divorced. What does that say about our cultures?), cultural and ethnic diversity (well, lack thereof), religious intolerance, and problems with the honor code that we all sign and say that we support.
If a student is LDS and decides to follow a different religious path, he or she is no longer welcome at BYU and their ecclesiastical endorsement is revoked. If you are not LDS and are at BYU, most of the time you are experiencing invasive instead of embrasive missionary work. Racial prejudice and stereotyping are quietly rampant in our university community, as well as stereotyping and prejudice regarding sexual orientation. I find several of the sections of the honor code are not honorable at all, and significant chunks of the dress and grooming policy have nothing to do with personal or community honor in the least. Why on earth have we let facial hair be a defining characteristic of the university?
Wasn't it Joseph Smith who talked about teaching correct principles and letting others govern themselves? I'd like that. So why doesn't our BYUSA "leadership" think more about supporting and instilling correct principles in the student body? Why do we need more vending machines? Why do we need friendship trips into southern Utah? Why do we need to BYU-ify Provo instead of the other way around? Why do we waste our time redoing and rehashing what has already been done and hashed because we are too afraid to tackle big problems? Why is asking questions at BYU such a non-kosher thing? Wait, am I allowed to ask a question about asking questions?
I'm not entirely sure. We should probably ask the candidates.
Now I have been quoted as saying that the election of a BYUSA president is about as effective as electing Head Unicorn. In the end your vote makes no real difference, but the unicorns sure feel good about it. I stand by this 100%.
In my three years at this university, I have yet to find that the BYUSA makes any difference in my life. And just so you BYUSA fans know, it has not affected my involvement in the least. I am involved in theatre, working anywhere from one to three productions a semester. I have been involved with clubs, gone to sporting events, helped with orientation, and enjoyed my fair share of free t-shirts (if you hang around the WILK long enough, you can rack up a significant tally). Involvement is not my problem.
But through my involvement I have noticed significant issues that our student "leadership" seems unwilling to address. In fact, it feels a lot like high school elections. At the end of the day, they don't lead anyone and none of their decisions make a whole lot of difference (except for that missing $20,000 a year or so ago. I never followed up to see if they figured out where that had gone).
I would sum up the initiatives of the respective candidates, but that would be too short. So I'll just give you full details. Amberly and Austin want to improve academics by putting a vending machine in the snack zone of the library, they want to organize fun trips that students can go on (like hiking and mountain biking and going to sporting events), and they would like to create an all-arts pass. Brandon and Erika (whose website design is significantly better) want to make the BYUSA the involvement hub of the university, create a comprehensive student calendar, stop predatory towing and booting, fill the Student Advisory Council with capable people (what does this say about their opinion of the current SAC), and increase school spirit with an end of the year event and the "BYU-ification" of Provo. I will now address these initiatives that are supposed to change our world here at BYU. I'll do it by candidate.
Amberly and Austin
A vending machine? That's how you revolutionize academics at BYU? Last I heard we weren't doing too bad academically. Apparently not having a vending machine wastes valuable study time because people have to go somewhere else to get snacks. Because planning ahead of time is silly.
I've gone on lots of fun adventures, made tons of memories, and made lots of friends without the BYUSA ever telling me to do so. There are over 30,000 students at this university. You want us to all go down and mountain bike in Moab? I can guarantee that at least everyone in the BYUSA will go, and that's all the impact you've ever had in the past. So I say go for it. I like the blatantly irresponsible use of your budget. Gives me something to be proud of.
Now for the All-Arts Pass. I don't disagree on any particular point with this idea. I would love it if the campus as a whole invested in cultural capital. Unfortunately this would require a monumental shift in what we value as a campus. You can tell exactly what a community values by what they subsidize. The government subsidizes farm production because we as Americans like to eat. At the University of Utah and UVU, the administration subsidizes tickets to art events. In fact, at the UofU you also get significantly cheaper tickets to productions at Pioneer Theatre Company, one of the only Equity theatres in the state. At BYU? We get cheaper sports tickets. Sure, the College of Fine Arts does offer student prices on arts tickets. When I only have to pay $20 instead of $24, I am eternally grateful. The problem is you cannot have both an All-Sports Pass and an All-Arts Pass because you cannot spread subsidies that thin or else they don't really lower prices much at all. And I dare you to try to take away money from the multi-million dollar sports program. How much does Bronco make? And we need to subsidize sports? That's a fight for a different day. By the way, the All-Arts Pass already exists. It's called Season Tickets, and lots of older folks buy them.
Brandon and Erika
Nice website. Making the BYUSA the "involvement hub" of the university. Unnecessary. You want to connect with participation and leadership opportunities around campus? There is absolutely nothing stopping you. We already have a Center for Service and Learning. We already have club night. We already have classes that require community service. All of the resources already exist, and they all exist pretty much in the same building. Why do we need them in the safe office? Especially because the other offices would still stay open. I haven't noticed this part of my BYU experience suffer for lack of super-centralization.
A student calendar. Well, it already sort of exists. If you go the BYU homepage, it has a week at a time of all the noteworthy events coming up on campus. If you want even more, it's all easily accessible. The Academic calendar, the BYUarts calendar, the Sports Calendar. They're all right there. And don't get me started on the BYU app. Back in my day I didn't need an app to go to school. I still don't.
Predatory towing and booting. I'm against it. I think that it should be addressed. The website gives a good definition and suggests the BYUSA leadership work with the mayor to get something done about it. My main concern is that it says that we can get more information about the issue by visiting the mayor's blog. So the mayor is already aware of this problem? The mayor already recognizes it as a problem? The mayor has commented on it? And your BYUSA involvement in the issue does what exactly?
I accept that you want to fill the Student Advisory Council with capable and effective people. I didn't know there was one. I guess that shows how much the SAC has changed my life. Maybe if we eliminated the BYUSA and gave the SAC some real power there would be incentive for it to be effective and capable. Except then you'd have to drop the A. If you have power to do things you are no longer advising anyone. Like a congress. A student congress. With power to put things before the administration. Like a democracy. No, that wouldn't work. We are at BYU after all.
And finally I address the concepts of school spirit and BYU-ifying Provo. Personally, I tolerate Provo the way it is. I go to BYU, I enjoy my time there, but if I don't want to then I don't have to deal with it when I go to Smith's. I am wary of the term "BYU-ify" and what it entails. And school spirit, honestly it'd be easier if we had awesome sports teams. Not that we should only cheer for good teams. But if our football team knew that it was playing football, well shoot dang, I'd support them. Again I reiterate the point that there are over 30,000 students on this campus with a wide array of priorities and involvement, with different backgrounds and different futures. And yet we seem to want to homogenize instead of unify. I'm not saying don't organize tailgates before a big football game. I'm saying that we have a fundamental misinterpretation of what the word unity means (if you don't believe me, sit in the WILK and count the number of hairstyles that men wear. I got three last time). And don't we already organize tailgates and stuff like that? Do you just want to do more of that? Okay. Oh, and there is an End-of-Year event. It's call graduation.
Matt Fife
That heading is just to let you know that I'm moving on.
Out of all the problems and concerns that BYU faces, I cannot believe that our student "leadership" chooses these things to focus on. It's the Mormon thing to do (and I'm talking culture, not the LDS faith). There is something rotten in the state of Denmark, so let's throw some parties and install a couple vending machines. Let's make perky and pretty campaign slogans and websites and videos and act like there aren't any real problems. Let's make sure that we all look good to each other, regardless of what we actually think or do. It's about appearances, and that's what this whole race is. In the end, it will be a popularity contest.
What issues are you talking about, Matt? Well, have you ever noticed how diversity is neither present nor encouraged at our university? You have two types of students - those that are reluctant to look beyond their own perspective, and those that are so open-minded that it is ludicrous (I am reminded of a letter to the editor of the Universe complaining about how all the cross-walk men are white). There are things we refuse to talk about like the LGBT community on campus, divorcees (I read an article in the Universe that pretty much said that divorcees at BYU live in constant trepidation that someone will find out they are divorced. What does that say about our cultures?), cultural and ethnic diversity (well, lack thereof), religious intolerance, and problems with the honor code that we all sign and say that we support.
If a student is LDS and decides to follow a different religious path, he or she is no longer welcome at BYU and their ecclesiastical endorsement is revoked. If you are not LDS and are at BYU, most of the time you are experiencing invasive instead of embrasive missionary work. Racial prejudice and stereotyping are quietly rampant in our university community, as well as stereotyping and prejudice regarding sexual orientation. I find several of the sections of the honor code are not honorable at all, and significant chunks of the dress and grooming policy have nothing to do with personal or community honor in the least. Why on earth have we let facial hair be a defining characteristic of the university?
Wasn't it Joseph Smith who talked about teaching correct principles and letting others govern themselves? I'd like that. So why doesn't our BYUSA "leadership" think more about supporting and instilling correct principles in the student body? Why do we need more vending machines? Why do we need friendship trips into southern Utah? Why do we need to BYU-ify Provo instead of the other way around? Why do we waste our time redoing and rehashing what has already been done and hashed because we are too afraid to tackle big problems? Why is asking questions at BYU such a non-kosher thing? Wait, am I allowed to ask a question about asking questions?
I'm not entirely sure. We should probably ask the candidates.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
The Amazing Tio
Yesterday I met my niece, Lisi. She is a bundle of joy and quite the delight. And, I'm pretty sure I am her favorite. At least her favorite Uncle Matt (more commonly known as Tio). Now, I don't know what it is about me that causes such great joy. Perhaps it is my charm. Perhaps it is my ability to bounce my knees almost constantly. Perhaps it was my offer of a variety of foods that she cannot eat (something about not having teeth). Or, it was my magical ability to produce wookie noises and pigeon coos that won her over. Watch the video.
She is a bit capricious, throwing herself back violently to obtain attention as she begins to cry, followed almost immediately by giggling.
Unfortunately I do not have the video of her giggling as I tore up the box I had saved for her arrival (I believe Katie has it). But there you have it. I have a super-cute niece that loves me for my wonderful and unpredictable talents.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Lunar Thoughts
The Moon. The final frontier. The last harbor of discovery. The great eye of nighttime. The original waterbender. The sky-mother. The paragon woman (ever changing, ever unchangeable).
Call her what you want, but she's up there, right now, hanging out around earth, the uncool friend of the cool kid at the party [which is humorous because I imagine the surface of the moon is frigid (I did say paragon woman, didn't I? Kidding, only kidding), what with no atmosphere and all].
Why has the moon fascinated man for so long (Paragon woman?) with so few answers. As far as we know the moon really is made of cheese. Some of you may say, "But Matt, we've been to the moon. It's made out of rocks." I reply simply, "Have you tasted moon rock? Maybe it is hard cheese. Or maybe moon people like rocks in their cheese, and we just took an ignorant moon sample." And if you try to say that I'm being silly, I can only assume that you don't believe in Sasquatch's existence either, and we have nothing more to discuss.
And yes, there are indubitably moon people. Who else has been mining the moon surface? Mining?! Yes. You didn't think those deep craters and pits occurred naturally, did you? What's that you say? They're from asteroids hitting it? That's preposterous. I have never seen an asteroid hit the moon. Your hypothesis has just been proven not true.
And so, when I look up at the moon, be it waxing gibbous or waning crescent, I am filled with wonder. I was told once, and I have yet to prove it, that we see the same face of the moon every night. The rotation and revolution of the moon match up so perfectly that it is always facing us. We never get a profile view, and it definitely never turns its back on us (which someone should tell it is the second strongest acting position if done with a purpose). And yet somehow the light it generates changes over the course of a 28 day period.
Some would call this moon magic, and I would be inclined to agree if I did not know the truth. Science! The moon people have a migrating city. What we see as moonlight is simply the lights from their megalopolis which slowly migrates across the moon's face. Now how the city moves is moon magic, and their cloaking devices are also powered by moon magic. You can naysay all you want, but you've never been there. I have. And I read about it on the internet in the future on a guy's blog. You can't lie on the internet.
You need evidence of moon magic? Tides. In your face. Residual moon magic, but moon magic nonetheless. You need more evidence? When you see the moon during the day, it's sort of dull and gray, but once nighttime hits, they turn the lights on up there. Moon magic. You still want more moon magic? Werewolves. Enough said.
Unfortunately that's about all I have time for, and that pretty much sums up my thoughts about the moon. A beautiful and yet terrible queen (of the moon people). Tune in soon for my discussion of how lightning is an expression of celestial rage. And a discussion of the relative merits of American pyromantic furculomancy.
Call her what you want, but she's up there, right now, hanging out around earth, the uncool friend of the cool kid at the party [which is humorous because I imagine the surface of the moon is frigid (I did say paragon woman, didn't I? Kidding, only kidding), what with no atmosphere and all].
Why has the moon fascinated man for so long (Paragon woman?) with so few answers. As far as we know the moon really is made of cheese. Some of you may say, "But Matt, we've been to the moon. It's made out of rocks." I reply simply, "Have you tasted moon rock? Maybe it is hard cheese. Or maybe moon people like rocks in their cheese, and we just took an ignorant moon sample." And if you try to say that I'm being silly, I can only assume that you don't believe in Sasquatch's existence either, and we have nothing more to discuss.
And yes, there are indubitably moon people. Who else has been mining the moon surface? Mining?! Yes. You didn't think those deep craters and pits occurred naturally, did you? What's that you say? They're from asteroids hitting it? That's preposterous. I have never seen an asteroid hit the moon. Your hypothesis has just been proven not true.
And so, when I look up at the moon, be it waxing gibbous or waning crescent, I am filled with wonder. I was told once, and I have yet to prove it, that we see the same face of the moon every night. The rotation and revolution of the moon match up so perfectly that it is always facing us. We never get a profile view, and it definitely never turns its back on us (which someone should tell it is the second strongest acting position if done with a purpose). And yet somehow the light it generates changes over the course of a 28 day period.
Some would call this moon magic, and I would be inclined to agree if I did not know the truth. Science! The moon people have a migrating city. What we see as moonlight is simply the lights from their megalopolis which slowly migrates across the moon's face. Now how the city moves is moon magic, and their cloaking devices are also powered by moon magic. You can naysay all you want, but you've never been there. I have. And I read about it on the internet in the future on a guy's blog. You can't lie on the internet.
You need evidence of moon magic? Tides. In your face. Residual moon magic, but moon magic nonetheless. You need more evidence? When you see the moon during the day, it's sort of dull and gray, but once nighttime hits, they turn the lights on up there. Moon magic. You still want more moon magic? Werewolves. Enough said.
Unfortunately that's about all I have time for, and that pretty much sums up my thoughts about the moon. A beautiful and yet terrible queen (of the moon people). Tune in soon for my discussion of how lightning is an expression of celestial rage. And a discussion of the relative merits of American pyromantic furculomancy.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Utter Lunacy
Sometimes I wonder how other people think. Then I start thinking about all the thoughts that other people have. This leads to more pondering and the realization that everyone has an existence in which I am not the focal point. I then lay plans to become the focal point of more lives.
It's weird to think about how everyone else has a life in which you play a minor role, or no role at all. Their existence is so isolated from yours that you probably have almost no impact on it. However, thinking about this only boggles my mind because I can't figure out why people don't find me more fascinating. Let's be honest: I find myself extremely interesting, and I have to live with me all the time. Those of you that get a couple hours a week or less should find me infinitely more fascinating because you only catch glimpses of my genius and aren't around me enough to get tired of it.
I met a man on an airplane once. His name was Zach. Zach Smith. He was a rapping prospector from the middle of Idaho. He prospected on land, and had apparently done well for himself. I heard his whole life story, his marital problems, the dissolution of his marriage, his attempts to help folks, his rapping career, his medical issues, his bipolarity, his zen outlook on life, and how he was now going home to Florida because his grandmother was on her deathbed.
When I sat down he said, "Ah man, I hope you're not the type of guy that doesn't talk during the flight, because I can find another seat if you are." I am, in fact, the type of guy that doesn't talk during flights. But I made an exception, and because of this Zach Smith and I got to play roles in each others' lives. Crazy, crazy roles. In fact, there was a time during the flight when I tried to figure out how fast the flight attendants could get there if things went out of control. I bet I could have taken him, but he could have easily gotten the jump on me in close quarters. It never came to that (thanks to my artful steering).
The funny thing is, I remember his name. I remember his story. I remember his philosophy and his genius. And I remember it all because he was 100% Zach Smith, and he honestly did not care who or what saw it. He is the type of man who will never understand dishonest people because he has never hidden who he is. I cannot say the same for me. In fact, I would be surprised if he remembered me (he did most of the talking). I am quite comfortable not being me.
In fact, I'm so comfortable not being me that the persona I have constructed painstakingly over the last decade is ironclad. The closest it comes to cracking is when I am playing Just Dance and I'm in the dancing zone. The look of intense concentration. The sharpness of movement. The refusal to accept anything less than my best. All things I mostly don't express in normal life.
My mother once said that all of her children were intense about certain things. She didn't tell me what I'm intense about. She just said, "You have your things." And it's true. I have my things.
I have always been even-keeled (except that one rocky patch). Steady. Over the years I have added prideful, braggy, self-assured, laid-back, phenomenal, handsome, sultry, and several other adjectives. But most of them are just pieces, fragments that I weave into a mostly convincing whole. A projection. A hologram. Robotic, cold-hearted, distant, aloof.
But in reality, I'm none of those things. I think the word I would use to describe the inner me is passion. I seem hard to reach, but I'm constantly reaching. I'm so in the thick of things that I'm up to my knees in the mud. I can tell you details about your life that you don't remember telling me. I pay constant attention to everyone and everything around me. I forget names simply because it's easier to say I'm bad with names than to explain how I already know you're from Such-and-such a place and that you are majoring in theoretical astrobiology because I overheard the conversation you had with Steve (and don't ask how I know his name) three weeks ago as I was leaving the class next-door. I watch how you carry yourself and extrapolate what must be causing you stress in your life, where you're holding your tension and how you can let it go.
I don't just read books or listen to music or watch TV. I am a consumer in the truest sense of the world. I chew it, swallow it, digest it, and let the nutrients integrate with my cellular structure. I can tell you the plot of every book I've ever read, exactly what I thought about it, what lessons I learned from it, and why you should read it and exactly why I think you'd enjoy it. Same with movies, TV shows, albums, plays, etc. Even if I half paid attention to it. Asking me my favorite of anything is ridiculous. Unless it's my favorite Mac and Cheese. That would be my mother's.
But I project my robo-hologram because people are much more comfortable being bludgeoned than they are cut. So I gently bash my way into people's hearts instead of stabbing my way there. My projection is a club, uncouth and unimpressive. I am a sword, advanced, sharp, quick, focused, driven, full of fire and fury. And grandiose. Because let's face it, that part of the projection is real. All of the projection is real. It's just that the robo-hologram is the parts of real I'm okay with you seeing. Maybe I (or we) should be a little bit more like Zach. Always on. Always honest. Always himself.
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