I Will Marry for Science!

I have determined that I must marry someone who has blond hair and blue eyes. Yeah, intelligence and tenderness and other qualities might be nice, but the important part is how they look. Some of you might (accurately) say, "Matt, that sounds really shallow." 

But let me explain how this is really for the sake of humanity. 

Anyone who has taken a basic biology course has been introduced to genetics. You've drawn your Punnett squares, determined the statistical probability of offspring inheriting certain characteristics, and read about Gregor Mendel's pea plants. 

We have been using genetics for centuries (most of the time before we knew it was genetics) to obtain favorable outcomes from crops and livestock. We needed hardier plants and animals to face increasingly harsher climates. This was great, but it is possible to move beyond useful husbandry into a realm of disastrous genetic consequences. Just look at all of those dog breeds that have crazy health problems as a result of inbreeding. When series after series of genetically similar pairs breed, the result is the destruction of a species.

Which is why I need to marry someone with blond hair and blue eyes. It would be a marriage for science. With that combination of genes I would be ensuring the greatest number of possible genetic combinations. I would be moving humanity (at least as much as I can) towards greater diversity and away from genetic inbreeding. Let me explain further.

I have brown eyes. Well, mostly brown. There's a hint of green in there, but that's mainly a result of how light interacts in the stroma. However, my father has blue eyes, and my brother has blue eyes, which means that I carry at least some of the recessive genes that lead to blue eyes (there are approximately 15 genes responsible for eye color). Therefore, if I marry someone that is full-on recessive, our children could potentially have pretty much any eye color between brown and blue.

I have brownish hair. Well, sort of a dirty blond. As a child I was a tow head if you ever saw one. Blond as could be. The presence of read hairs in my beard is also a glorious sign of my own personal genetic diversity. The amount of combinations I could have with a blond haired woman are many.

In essence, a marriage between me (a metaphorical stewpot of gene expression) and a blond-haird, blue-eyed woman (as close as one can get to a genetic blank canvas) would theoretically yield the greatest diversity. I may not be able to stop the red heads from going extinct, but I sure as shootin' can make sure the world isn't just a dark haired mass of sameness.

But wait, there's more! I also have most of the genes that lead to a sound body and mind. I have genes for the correct number of fingers and toes, for the high end of average height, for seeing, hearing, and smelling (though my smelling might be too powerful, so if my wife has a lower than average sense of smell then everything should balance), and my organs are all in the right place. I don't want anyone to think that I'm genetically perfect, though. In the spirit of full disclosure I am genetically predisposed to high cholesterol and have poor (though not the worst) vision.

So the result of a union between me and a blonde would be strong, healthy, genetically diverse offspring. I might not be able to do much for humanity, but I can do my best to ensure our survival. And if you are familiar with my dating history then you will know that I have only ever dated one blond woman. Dark hair and dark eyes are historically more my thing, so hopefully you appreciate that this will be a sacrifice. But I am willing to sacrifice for the greater good. The human species must survive.