To Call or Not to Call

So here's the scenario. So I'm sitting there with my phone in my hand. I'm looking at the screen where I have the contact information for a lady displayed. In fact, all I would have to do to make a call is make one movement of my finger. I sit there staring at it. The screen goes to sleep. I wake it up. I stare at it some more. I notice that it says I have some notifications. I check the notifications. Just updates that I don't want to make right now. I press the back button and the contact information is on the screen again. I stare at it some more. I go shower. I come back, unlock my phone and the contact information is still on the screen. I set my phone down on the desk and stare at it. I unplug my computer, slide away from my desk, set my laptop on top of my lap, check e-mail, the Facebook, and then proceed to write a blog post.

This is not a one time occurrence. Which really makes me ask the question, Why?

I don't know. In reality I've always hated phones. Making phone calls of any kind really is not my favorite thing to do. I don't know what to do when I'm talking on the phone. Normally I pace a lot, but people stare as I agitatedly go back and forth across the floor. The last time I talked to a girl on the phone (like a conversation, not the usual, "Hey, you wanna go out?"-"Nope"-"Cool" exchange) I played a lot of spider solitaire and Mahjong Titans. When I talk to my ma I'm usually walking somewhere, doing homework, or pulling out papers and looking up data to confirm key conversation points. Some people can sit there and talk. I cannot.

Text messages are just impersonal enough for me to be comfortable with them, but you can't ask girls out via text message. With text messages I can read, reflect, and respond. I can delete what I was typing and try again. I can wait to respond if it's not a great time. I'm generally pretty good about getting back to people.

In essence, I'm really not so great at the whole human connection thing anymore. After years of perfecting my detachedness, aloofness, and after years of erecting barriers and walls, I might have unfortunately passed the point of no return (the final threshold).

You know how people always say, "Keep in touch." I don't. Like, I don't say that, and I don't keep in touch. I would be the worst pen pal in history. Except that I like writing, and writing a complete stranger is slightly more appealing than establishing bonds with a real live human (Because let's face it, unless you Facebook stalk a pen pal, thus attaching a life to the name, they're not a real person). Humans freak me out a little bit. And before you say, "But Matt, you are a human," think very carefully about whether or not that's actually true.

I feel like these could potentially be major problems. And man, have I got a long list of excuses to not bother fixing them. And yet, despite myself, I have somehow formed new connections with people that have gone beyond the superficial. I know (and have evidence) that it is possible. Maybe there are just (at least) two me's that are living simultaneous lives, one emotional and relatable, the other one more machine than man now.

But back to the phone. When I make these calls, I have not expectations. It has nothing to do with what comes before, and nothing to do with what comes after. I don't even really think about the after. It's the act of calling that I cannot do. I should just get a personal secretary who will dial the phone for me. I think that would be ideal. The secretary makes the call and says, "I have a Mr. Matthew Fife on the line for you, one moment please," and then I can continue with everything all normal like. The talking isn't the issue. I can talk. I can talk forever. I can talk about something or nothing. I can speak without saying anything or even say more than I speak. It's pressing the darned button (or the place on the touchscreen that signals to the phone that it is now time to initiate the phone call sequence).

One day I will press that button with impunity. I can do it when I call my mother (who really is the only person I call with regularity). I can do it if I have to call a man-friend. If I were dating someone I could do it no problem. But if I have to call a doctor, dentist, home teachee, potential date, or to make an appointment of any kind, well, then I cannot press the button.

So I guess if you were looking for my weakness, you now have it. If you ever want to slow me down and potentially completely derail and disable me, require me to make a phone call. There's almost nothing I can do about it.