Adulthood Checklist

Recently I have been checking things off of my unspoken checklist for becoming an adult in a manner both fast and furious. Let us make that unspoken list a spoken list by having you read the following list out loud. Or speak it in your mind.

1. Get a salaried job - Check. I work full-time and I've completed my training.
2. Purchase a bed - Check. And it's queen-sized. After all that time in college on a twin mattress (if you can call it a mattress) I'm going big. And it's memory foam.
3. Get a place of my own - Mostly check. I just need to finish moving in.
4. Get a college degree - Check. I don't use it, but I've got it.
5. Get my own cellular telephone - Check. And it even acts as a pedometer. You could attempt to get on my level, but don't be disappointed if you can't.
6. Get business cards - Check. They have my name on them and everything.
7. Become the greatest uncle ever - Check. Tears happen when I leave.
8. Obtain a wife and/or children - Not yet accomplished. Luckily this is more an add-on of adulthood, something that should probably not be accomplished until adulthood is within your grasp.
9. Buy a shower curtain - Check. What's so special about this? If you don't know then you've never bought a shower curtain.
10. Have health, dental, life, and accidental death and dismemberment insurance - Check. My hand is currently worth thousands of dollars if it gets accidentally removed from my arm.
11. Have a 401k and know what it is - Check.
12. Have my own wifi - Check. It's even named after me.

I don't understand how women aren't falling over themselves to partake in my maturity and adulthood. Added bonus: I am bearded, which physiologically means I have reached adulthood and which psychologically means I am strong, reliable, respectable, and erudite. I even use words like erudite. And panache.

Adulthood, it's a pleasure to meet you.

Swinging in Sunshine and Snow

For those of you that are unaware, I have graduated college. I now hold a B.A. in Theatre Arts Studies. Two weeks ago I was incredible. Now I'm credible.

Let me share an experience with you. But first you must wade through background information. The Saturday after graduation (April 26th) my housing contract expired, meaning that I moved out of my apartment into...a storage unit. No I'm not living in a storage unit, but all my stuff is. I remain homeless, living on roll-away beds and couches. I am waiting to hear about future employment, floating around the world, living a life of simplicity. I don't really worry about too much, just hanging out in limbo for a time. I've played my hand, so now it's life's turn. I can't really continue playing with her holding up the flow of the game.

But what I can do is swing. Monday afternoon, having dropped my mother off at the airport and waiting for my dear friend to be ready to go get lunch, I stopped at the local park and commenced swinging on the swings. Swinging is one of the few things in life that I hate. It is also one of the many things in life that I love. The first few moments are terrible. The rest are wonderful. For clarification, I hate back and forth motion, such as the type that can be found at amusement parks on swinging ships and in parks on swings.

Now, as I was swinging, the sun was shining, my legs were pumping, and I was reveling in the simple freedom of just swinging. Yes, reliving my childhood brings me great joy (Legos, swings, reading for days on end, walking uphill both ways in two feet of snow, etc.). Then, one of the craziest Utah things happen. There, in the middle of the sun and my childlike freedom, it began to snow. Not sticking to the ground, but dark cloud and flurries and flakes. A different type of human being (sane, stable, normalish) would have called it a day and returned to their home. Seeing as how I have no home, am not normalish, and refuse to bow to Mother Nature's fury, I continued swinging. And then, about ten minutes later, it stopped snowing. The sun, which had never stopped shining, shined brighter. The dark cloud completely vanished. And I continued swinging.

Did this actually happen? Yes. Is it a metaphor? Yes. It is also, surprisingly enough, not hyperbolated at all. If I had replaced myself with an animal it could have also been read as a fable. If I included more fish it could have been a parable. Or is it already a parable? What's a parable if not an extended extended metaphor? Is this an extended metaphor? What is the symbolism? How would I stage this? What is my concept as director? All valid questions.

But what I thought was this: you just gotta keep on doing your thing. Onwards and upwards, as Aslan says. You never reach the summit if you turn around and go back down, or if you try climbing while looking back over your shoulder. As I sat there, swinging in the snow and in the sun, the stresses and tension that I have long carried with me and which intensified throughout last week melted away. Is my future uncertain? Yes. Can I live with that? Yes. Will I end up where and when I need to be? I am confident that the answer is yes.

Should you go swing on your nearest swing set? Yes.

Friendliness

It's been some time since I updated, and with an inexplicable boost in page views over the past three days (like a "someone is reading all of my posts four times" boost) I have decided that maybe it's time to post something new.

Recently in my life it was brought to my attention that at times I am not a very friendly person. Valid. There are quite a few things I prefer to social interactions, and I can oftentimes come across as gruff, disinterested, crotchety, and surly. Or all four. Sometimes I'm just caught at the exact wrong moment (like, say, a production week). Most of the time I'm just prickly. Like a hedgehog. Don't pet a hedgehog backwards. It's a simple concept, but difficult to apply to human interactions.

Back to the actual point. So I can sometimes be less than friendly, less than approachable, and less than huggable. I accept that about me, but I have felt after that exchange that maybe I should try a bit harder to be a bit more pleasant to people. I think I'm doing quite well. Then again, I thought I was doing fine before.

I think we can all be more aware, more careful, and more loving in how we treat other people. Especially me (meaning treat me more lovingly. Joking. But not). We may think that we are jesting, but sometimes it's the tone of our voice, the inflection at the end of our sentence, or the content of our joke that makes it less of a joke and more of a harmful statement. We don't know everyone's past, we don't know everyone's future, and we don't always know the ins and outs of what people are dealing with right now.

There's that one scripture in James that talks about bridling the tongue. We should all lend some more credence to those verses. I should lend more credence to those verses. When we let our tongue run freely, when we never check what we are saying and simply spew forth whatever stumbles into our mouth then we can very easily start fires we cannot put out. Thankfully I was made aware before that happened with my dear friend, but the results could have been disastrous. Apparently that old adage, "Think before you speak," remains true in our modern era.

So if I say something thoughtless, hurtful, harmful, or just plain stupid, let me know. We can all help to lift one another to speak with the tongue of angels.

What's in a Name? Lots.

I believe strongly in the power of names. Chances are it has something to do with reading The Dark is Rising series and the Earthsea Chronicles at a young age.

But let's talk about names for a brief moment. Or rather, let's talk about the danger of avoiding names.

In LDS culture I have noticed a tendency to use code words in order to avoid the names of other things. We say challenges, trials, and struggles instead of saying what they are (Same with sin, but the public expression of how you sinned might be received differently than to say how you are challenged. Certain of the following concepts still apply). On the other end, we say blessings instead of naming how we have actually been blessed. I believe there is great danger in this. While I recognize that most of this is done in person-to-person conversations so that we don't have to necessarily "burden" someone else with our problems, or so that we don't sound like we're bragging about how awesome life is, I think we stand at the very edge of a gulf. It will only be so long until we have alienated ourselves from the problem, and therefore lose power to actually find a solution.

The same goes for blessings. The real danger in simply saying that you have received many blessings is that you alienate yourself from what those blessings are, and over time you'll cease to see how you are blessed. Shortly thereafter you won't recognize your blessings for what they are. There is a hymn entitled "Count Your Blessings" that we are all probably familiar with. And lots of times we give that advice to people. "Dude, just count your blessings if you're feeling low." "Ladies, if you would count your blessings you would see God's hand in your life." But really, the most important part of that hymn is the second half of the first line of the chorus: "Name them one by one." What is better? Saying "I have 12 blessings" or saying "The Lord has blessed me in the following ways: 1)....."?

And I'm not necessarily saying that saying you are blessed or challenged is a bad thing. Some situations call for it. And the last thing I want to do is sit through a testimony meeting where everyone enumerates their blessings (because they feel they should be grateful and focus on the positive) or their challenges (because they want you to know that God gives us our challenges so we can learn. To this train of thought I say, "Well, yes, but sometimes really terrible things just happen, and I would hesitate to say that God caused them all.").

But here's the conclusion. When we overuse the terms trial, challenge, difficulty, struggle, blessing, etc. we run the risk of making those words meaningless. I could be wrong (but I'm not) but I believe in the scriptures that Jesus tells his disciples to bear one another's burdens. So if you are dealing with some stuff, don't worry about burdening others. They've been commanded to help. No matter what, name it to yourself. If you struggle with depression, name it. Name your familial dysfunction, your addiction, your anger, your sorrow, your loss, your career success, your good grade on that test, your mother. Whatever it is, you cannot solve it or truly be grateful for it without seeing it for what it is, without naming it. Because once you know its name you have power over it. Power to share, to seek help and understanding, to feel joy, to empathize.

So yeah, that's what's in a name.

Should You Care About BYUSA?

In short, the answer is probably no. Unless you want to. I won't judge.

A point made clear (now) by the BYUSA and by fellow blog person in this illuminating post, is that they are not a student government (but rather a Student Service Association). What does this mean in as few words as possible? Their power is minimal, their authority is nil. They do hand out free food sometimes, though, so that's something.

So who do you want giving you cookies (as long as you wear a BYU shirt)? Your number of choices has grown. This go around there are three pairs running for the coveted BYUSA President/VP combo. And why shouldn't six people want to pad their resumes with what will inevitably be misinterpreted as serving in some sort of student government? You're just upset that you didn't think of it first. And by first, I mean when you came as a freshman and signed up for their mailing list in order to get a free t-shirt. Maybe you shouldn't have immediately deleted those monthly e-mails.

But they're all about the real issues this go around. Wait, never mind, one of them is still running on the "Vending Machines in the Library" platform. So, like, the security guards will ask me to not bring a Jamba Juice into the library, but they'd be totally cool with buying a chocolate milk inside. In fact, it's completely inappropriate to be eating in about 95% of the library anyway. They also want to improve Wifi across campus. Here's a secret: You could always just contact IT and tell them about a dead spot. Like you can do it right now. If enough students ask, they fix it.

One pair wants to make the BYUSA more effective at pairing you with service opportunities or organizations that you would find interesting. That's cool. Apparently they weren't telling you how to get in touch with the people before. Seems like a simple fix, right? Just give the students the information. But wait, instead of you going in and saying, "Hey, I'm interested in this sort of thing," they'll have you tell them about what your interested in and take a personality test. Yeah, it's the same, but with a personality test. It will also tell you which Lord of the Rings character you're most like.

Surely these candidates are so different that it will be easy to choose one pair that you side with most. Not really. Two sets talk about vending machines, and two talk about the BYUSA being a student involvement center. And surprisingly, I have actually seen all of their initiatives and platforms before. Part of me thinks that they just pull initiatives out of a hat (and with 3 pairs this year, they had to reuse some). No, I get it, they spend a lot of time thinking about these things. Arts cards, pre-game events, vending machines, websites, etc. All are potentially important. If you care.

According to the Universe, "According to current BYUSA President[,] Brandon Beck, 78 percent of the student body did not vote in the last election." What does this mean? Well, it means that 78% of the student body doesn't care about the BYUSA. This could potentially be seen as a massive majority of the student body voting against the BYUSA, but I guarantee that that 78% would feel as apathetic towards eliminating the BYUSA as they are towards electing a new president. To them, all of the candidates are just variations on a theme. And that theme is, "We're so stoked about the BYUSA." And that theme means, "We are happy with the BYUSA as it is."

Can you make it through 4 years without interacting much with the BYUSA? Easily. But then you miss out on cookies and free t-shirts. I have never bought a BYU shirt, and I have like 5. Not a bad deal. So should you care about who gets elected as the BYUSA President/VP? No, because I guarantee the number of cookies, the amount of hot chocolate, and the availability of free t-shirts will remain the same regardless of who gets elected. And if the initiatives you want don't happen, don't worry. They'll be the platforms next year. So during the voting period (March 3-5) feel free to vote or not vote. Your vote probably doesn't actually matter.

An Ideal Relationship

I have spent some significant time pondering this over the past few days, so now I feel it is my duty to present my non-scientific findings to the community.

I think at one point or another, especially at the BYU, many of us have spent some time pondering what would make the perfect relationship. And connected to that is the question of how do we know when we are in a, if not perfect then at least healthy, relationship. The major problem is that oftentimes when you are in a relationship wherein feelings are involved it's just about impossible to objectively evaluate that relationship. Hopefully the following thoughts will at least give us all some tools to use in our interpersonal forward progress.

Let's begin at the beginning. Here are some very key tidbits that serve as a pretty good baseline from my experience.

1) Both parties should be emotionally invested in the relationship. I don't really know if one person can be more or less invested than the other, but I imagine it can happen.
2) Both parties should express their care and affection. Now, we have probably all heard about the different love languages. I'm not sure it matters so much about how your express, but what matters is that you understand how the other expresses affection and how they feel valued and appreciated.
3) Both parties should communicate. Duh. If one or both parties keeps their feelings or thoughts completely closed off from the other, then I can say with some certainty that success is not imminent.

But all of that just sounds pretty standard in identifying a good relationship. In fact, if you are doing well on all three of those then you are probably on the right track. But there is one more thing. I don't think it's anything I've learned, but rather it is something that my experience with theatre has helped me to articulate.

When acting with a scene partner (or partners), if you focus on what you're doing, what you're saying, and your own success in the scene, then the scene will get performed. It will be mediocre and uninspiring, but it will be. What is the secret to a really great performance? Giving. If you think about what you can give to boost everyone around, what you can give to the audience, what you can give at all times, then chances are you are going to have quite an excellent scene on your hands.

I think the same goes for relationships (both romantic and non-romantic). You should be giving of yourself, your time, and your energy to the other person. You should think of their happiness, their success, and their needs. And quite frankly, they should be doing the same thing. There is very little room for selfishness in any relationship you will ever have. I would posit that the only place for selfishness is that you have every right to expect that other person involved in the relationship to be giving, too.

If the other person is extremely giving it is very easy to default to a taking position. They give and give and that giving needs to go somewhere, so you accept it. The problem is that sometimes this default means that you are not giving back. Beware of this. You should both be giving, and you should both be accepting of the emotional "gifts" that the other is giving.

So I said I would tell you how you can know if you are in a healthy and prosperous relationship. That's it. What's wonderful about it is that anyone can learn to give. It's called charity, and it's up to us to tailor that charity to yield the greatest amount of fruit in our relationships. If you feel like you are giving everything and getting nothing in return, then chances are your relationship is not in a good spot.

But here's the thing: all relationships take time and effort. If it's not perfect (because it will never be) you can talk about it. Do you wish that the other person would give more? Then talk to them about it. Any relationship worth having is worth working on, worth developing, worth cultivating. So communicate, give your "gifts," and invest. I promise you it's worth it. You'll never really know where your future will take you, but if both of you think you are on a good path then I say keep climbing.

Feelings: Apparently a Good Thing

Let's talk about our feelings today. How does that make you feel?

Now, if you know me, and I assume (potentially incorrectly) that if you are reading my blog you do, you will recognize that feelings and Matt are not generally two topics that intersect frequently. I have made a long and storied career out of keeping things to myself and carrying on with life. Yes, I have feelings, but I have become very good at not showing or sharing them. If you ask me how I am doing, the answer will probably be that "I'm fine." Hopefully we all recognize this is a Southern Fine, and can cover all feelings from terrible to fantastic. It is used because, quite frankly, you probably don't actually care, you're just being polite. I accept that and embrace it. I think the world could stand for more politeness.

The inevitable consequence of never opening up about my feelings is that quite rapidly the number of people one feels comfortable talking about feelings with decreases to just two people: My inner critic and my mother. My inner critic is rarely super pleasant, and most of the time he just tells me to man up. Valid. He has a point most of the time. My mother is fantastic, and I will be discussing my feelings with her later today.

Now, I could easily take this forum and use it to openly express my feelings, but like I said, I am extremely uncomfortable with that. So instead I will speak in generalities about feelings themselves instead of my personal feelings.

I have worked harder than many to control my feelings. But I will say, and I have learned this recently, that just letting yourself feel deeply is phenomenally liberating. There is something magnificently human about allowing those feelings to wash over and through you. And once they have run their course you are free and clean. 

Maybe it's the world we live in, but for some reason we have developed a culture of selective emotional expression. Everyone has to be happy all the time, or at least act like it. We start building dams, bottlenecking our emotions until they reach unhealthy levels, and then when they start spilling over the walls we have erected we scramble to build the dams higher, stronger, thicker.

The problem with dams is that eventually you are flooding a lot of land behind the dam that you could have been using for something else, like housing, or farming, or sheep grazing (And yes, we are still in the metaphor, but this is also true in real life). Emotional dams are dangerous. However, the far extreme is also dangerous, that of the emotional swamp where we just let certain emotions soak into everything, and we just wallow in them.

I think that the best thing to do is to just feel. If you feel sad, then let yourself feel sad for an appropriate amount of time and then carry on. Trying to smile through everything won't make you a happy person. Trying to laugh off disappointment or defeat won't really bring you joy. But allowing yourself to descend into the valley will also let you climb up the mountain. I don't think God gave us the full spectrum of human emotion and experience so that we could ignore or suppress bits and pieces of it. And let's face the facts; sometimes you just need a good cry.